According to newspaper claims, disgraced veteran children’s TV star Rolf Harris, recently convicted of several serious sex offences, could also now be facing treason charges. “He wasn’t satisfied with molesting young girls, it seems he also subjected Her Majesty, The Queen to indecent acts,” claims Mike Meatbetter, Chief Crime Correspondent for top tabloid The Shite. “It all goes back to 2005 when she sat for him when he did that portrait of her. Apparently he subjected her to a constant stream of sexual innuendo about his ‘didgeridoo’ and ‘extra leg’ – of course, he claimed he was just referencing some of the most popular elements of his act.” But it didn’t stop with crude double entendres on the part of the Australian artist and performer. “After painting furiously on his canvas for over an hour, he asked Her Majesty, ‘Can you guess what it is yet?’,” the journalist claims. “When she indicated that she had no idea, he turned the canvas around to reveal a huge portrait of his own erect penis. Her Majesty wasn’t amused!” Despite Harris’ shocking behaviour, Her Majesty returned for a second day of sittings. “This time he behaved himself – no innuendos, no knob pictures,” Meatbetter says. “But at the end of the session, as Her Majesty was leaving, he lunged at her posterior and pinched her hard on the backside. I say ‘pinched’, but apparently he grabbed a good handful of the right Royal cheek! She was bruised there for over a week!”

Incredibly, Rolf Harris’ assaults on The Queen didn’t become known until his recent conviction. “Her Majesty was reluctant to come forward, fearing that nobody would believe her, after all, who would take the word of the then eighty year old Monarch and head of the Church of England over that of a popular entertainer who had presented Animal Hospital?” muses Meatbetter, who claims that his newspaper’s sources for the story are ‘highly placed’ in Buckingham Palace. “She thought that she’d just be dismissed as a confused old lady who wasn’t getting any deluding herself with sexual fantasies about a younger man. However, following his conviction, she is now considering making a complaint about Harris to the police.” Nonetheless, the newspaperman suspects that Harris could yet escape treason charges. “Obviously, there are powerful figures in the establishment who don’t want it made public that the head of state was groped by some Australian pervert,” he opines. “Such a revelation could undermine the public’s faith in the British Monarchy.” Both Buckingham Palace and Downing Street have refused to comment on The Shite‘s story, which is just the latest of a series of increasingly lurid claims about the alleged depravities of Britain’s celebrity sex offenders which have followed the conviction of Rolf Harris and the publication of a new report detailing the sex crimes of the late Jimmy Savile. These, along with the convictions of fellow celebrity gropers Max Clifford and Stuart Hall, have allegedly sparked panic amongst their showbusiness contemporaries.

Amid reports that hundreds of seventies TV celebrities are busy destroying hard drives and burning photographs, Super 8 home movies and tape recordings, at least one powerful showbiz insider has expressed his fears that an entire generation of performers could find themselves under threat from allegations of sexual impropriety. “Rolf Harris convicted of being a nonce? Is nobody bloody safe any more?” asks top theatrical agent Johnny Trotts. “Next thing you know, somebody will be accusing madcap inventor Wilf Lunn of Vision On fame of having constructed some kind of eccentric device for the automatic bum raping of small boys!” Indeed, Lunn, a regular on the popular seventies BBC children’s show which catered for the hard of hearing, has already angrily rejected allegations that he once made a robot which sexually molested young women for notorious sex fiend and Radio One DJ Jimmy Savile. “The allegation was an innocent mistake on our part. When we first heard about this infernal device, we naturally assumed that only a mechanical genius of Wilf Lunn’s magnitude could have devised and constructed it,” explained George Pudtuggs, entertainment editor of the Daily Norks, adding that his newspaper fully accepted Lunn’s innocence in the matter. “Further investigations have revealed that it was actually the late Jeremy Beadle who built the fiendish rape robot for Savile – apparently he blackmailed Beadle using certain photographs of the former Game For a Laugh presenter that he had in his possession!”

According to the reporter, the tabloid first became aware of the sex robot’s existence when they were contacted by a thirty eight year old woman who claimed to have been assaulted by the amorous automaton when she was a teenager. “It was, to be perfectly frank, an incredible story,” he says. “Apparently it all happened in the mid nineties, when she was still at school. Part of it was the familiar tale of Savile seducing her during a fund-raising event and inviting her back to his flat. Once there, she claims that the old pervert didn’t make a move on her. Instead, he insisted on showing her this mechanical man – she reckoned it was fascinating, looking like it was made out of all sorts of spare parts from other contraptions, it started doing tricks, like juggling and stuff. As she watched it, the mechanism suddenly lunged at her and groped her breasts with its metallic hands!” The woman told the newspaper that, instead of helping her, Savile had laughed uproariously as she had struggled to free her breasts from the robot’s vice-like grip. “She reckoned he was actually getting off on it, as if the robot’s sex assault on her was a proxy for his own perverted desires,” explains Pudtuggs, who has speculated that Savile had had the robot built so that he could continue his sex offending despite being weakened his encroaching years. “Eventually she was able to escape. But she reckoned that other victims might not have been so lucky – she reckoned the robot was ‘fully equipped’ with a telescopic member. I shudder to think the damage that could have done to some poor young girl! The only reason we believed our source was that, twenty years after the event, she still had the thing’s hand marks on her knockers!”

Pudtuggs rejects suggestions that these sorts of stories are trivialising the crimes perpetrated by sexual predators like Harris and Savile. Crimes which tabloids like The Shite and the Daily Norks had failed to uncover at the time they were committed. “We’re just making up for lost time,” he says. “Besides, how often do you get the chance to print whatever the Hell you like about celebrities without fear of being sued because they are either dead or convicted sex offenders?” He also confirmed that his paper would shortly be running a follow-up to the rape robot story, claiming that Savile only had the machine constructed after he had failed to raise the dead in the morgue of Stoke Newington hospital. “He was trying to satisfy his necrophiliac cravings by creating a compliant zombie sex slave with a midnight black magic ritual attended by Rolf Harris and former Liberal MP Cyril Smith,” he alleges. “When that failed, he and Harris stole body parts from various morgues in order to create a patchwork sex monster which they unsuccessfully tried to animate with electricity during a thunderstorm.” For his part, Johnny Trotts remains appalled at the whole business. “What kind of world are we living in where celebrities can’t enjoy the perks of their profession without fear of prosecution and press vilification?” he ponders. “I mean, what else have these poor bastards got to look forward to after a day flogging their guts out trying to entertain ungrateful punters, other than kinky sex with underage groupies?”