“I just thought they were the usual little bastards trick-or-treating, but when I told them to bugger off, the one dressed in Islamic gear shouted ‘Trick!’ and exploded,” says Luton householder Greg Frigger from his hospital bed, where he is being treated for third degree burns. “The blast was so powerful it blew the front door right off of its hinges and knocked me into the kitchen! My porch was wrecked and there were car alarms going off all down the street!” Little did forty seven year old Frigger suspect when he answered the door that fateful night, that he was about to become the first victim of a new wave of terror attacks. “I must admit that I was a bit surprised to see someone in that Islamic clobber amongst all the vampires and ghouls, but you see kids dressed in all sorts for Halloween these days,” he says. “Usually the worst you get from the little gits is having eggs thrown at the house.” Frigger remains mystified as to why he was targeted by the suicide trick-or-treater. “It’s not as if I’m important or anything – I’m a gas fitter, for God’s sake,” says Frigger, who also claims not to be a racist. “I’ll install a gas oven for anybody – ragheads, chinks, Pakis, the lot. I don’t care who they are, just so long as they can pay.” The attack on Frigger coincided with news that this year’s best-selling Halloween costume is the Islamic ‘Full Hijab’, an all-black outfit revealing only the wearer’s eyes. It easily outsold traditional favourites like Frankenstein’s Monster, Dracula, The Wolfman and that old stand-by, the Abu Hamza mask and novelty hook-hand. “It shouldn’t really come as surprise,” opines Professor Bob Mincer of the Streatham Institute of Remedial Studies. “Those crazy Islamic bastards are the biggest bogeymen around these days! Hell, If I opened my door on Halloween to find a bunch of menacing-looking veiled figures clad from head to foot in black, I’d be shitting myself!” Industry insiders gleefully admit that the continuing ‘War on Terror’ and the consequent demonisation of Muslims has boosted sales. “George W Bush alone is better value than a multi-million dollar ad campaign”, chortles one anonymous source. Inevitably, Muslim leaders have reacted angrily, offended by the association of Islam with both supernatural evil and a pagan festival. “As if it isn’t bad enough the police and press scaring everybody into believing that we’re out to blow them up, now they’ll think we’re out to drink their unclean infidel blood as well!” says an indignant Abdul Kakker Bousah, Imam of the Watford Gap Mosque.
Whilst the British tabloid press have dismissed Muslim protests at the costumes, claiming that they are simply “a bit of harmless fun”, a darker side to the controversy has begun to emerge. Fears have been expressed that, following the trick-or-treat suicide bombing, children wearing such costumes could be mistaken for terrorists and risk being shot by the police. Indeed, one child has already been gunned down by armed officers as he attempted to leap onto a bus in Luton whilst allegedly wearing a niqab. Luckily, he escaped injury due to the fact that, as a result of budgetary restrictions, Bedfordshire’s Armed Response Unit is currently only issued with children’s cap pistols. “It wasn’t any bloody Islamic costume he was wearing – he’d cut eye holes in one of my sheets to dress as a ghost,” the child’s furious mother later told the press. “By the time I’ve finished with the little bastard, he’ll wish the sodding police had shot him!” The incident has led to calls for the Islamic terror costumes to be withdrawn from sale. “At least when kiddies dressed up as werewolves and vampires we knew that they were safe to roam the streets after dark knocking on strangers’ doors, without the threat of being shot,” commented Luton councillor Ron Pemwist, “unless it was with silver bullets, of course – and let’s not forget that attempted staking a couple of years ago. Or when that mob tried to burn those girls dressed as witches at the stake, come to think of it.” Calls for a ban on the costumes have also been backed by British pagans, who claim that they represent a blatant attempt by an established religion to hijack a pagan festival. “As if it wasn’t bad enough the bloody Christians stealing our traditional midwinter festivities and calling it Christmas, now we’ve got the Muslims trying to steal Samhain!” rages Britain’s self-styled pagan High Priest, Derek Flook. “It’s about time we took Halloween back to its origins, kids today seem to have lost sight of its true meaning. Just look at the costumes they wear now when they’re out trick-or-treating: if it isn’t hijabs, its space suits, Spiderman and Postman bloody Pat!” Flook believes that Halloween should be celebrated with witches’ sabbats, human sacrifices and necromancy. “Obviously, we wouldn’t want to alienate people. We’re socially responsible and would only sacrifice undesirables who nobody would miss,” he says. “We’d still like Halloween to be a family occasion. Nothing would please us pagans more than to see the whole community gathering in their local graveyard to cavort naked by moonlight, dig up a few old relatives and watch a nonce or shoplifter decapitated.”
Police investigating the alleged trick-or-treat suicide bomber, meanwhile, are beginning to question Greg Frigger’s account of the incident. “A forensic examination of the remnants of Mr Frigger’s porch has revealed no trace of human remains,” a spokesperson told a press conference. “Whilst it is possible the bomb was so powerful it completely disintegrated the alleged bomber, it seems far more likely that the device was actually just a large firework thrown at the front door.” The police are currently linking the attack not to Islamic extremism, but to an incident the previous Halloween, when Mr Frigger had chased several trick-or-treaters down the street with a chainsaw. “We feel that it is entirely possible this was a revenge attack,” commented the spokesperson. Undeterred by these developments, the tabloid press has continued to play up the incident’s possible terror links, and have been warning of further possible attacks. “Contrary to what the police are saying, our information is that Mr Frigger was targeted by Islamic terrorists after a boiler he installed in a local Mosque exploded, burning the place down,” declares Dave Pokey, Assistant Editor of the Daily Tits, although he is vague as to the source of this story, saying that he thinks he heard from, “some bloke on the Circle Line”. Nevertheless, Pokey has already prepared a front page story for tomorrow’s early edition of the paper condemning Islamic suicide ‘trick or treaters’, under the headline ‘Hijab Halloween’. “We’ve been saying for years that ‘trick or treat’ was simply a licence for anti-social behaviour and should be banned,” he enthuses. “Not only will this give new impetus to our campaign, but it demonises young people, an evil pagan festival and Muslims, all in one story!”