Suffer the Children

David Cameron has been forced to recall parliament from its Summer recess, amid lurid tabloid newspaper headlines claiming that the government had intentionally released hundreds of sex offenders from prison in order to defeat an alien invasion. “What choice did we have? We were faced with our worst nightmare – hostile aliens disguised as children, hell bent on taking over the country,” the beleaguered Prime Minister told a packed House of Commons. “It was a stroke of genius on their part – they knew that normal human beings are incapable of harming children. The fiends would have been able to maim and kill with impunity!” The only solution, he explained to shocked MPs, was to create an army of sexual deviants and peadophiles – led by disgraced glam rocker Gary Glitter – to combat the aliens. “Obviously, we only took such a drastic course of action after consulting our top scientific brains,” Cameron claimed. “They were all agreed that only hope of defeating these alien children was by harnessing the moral degeneracy of our most reviled convicted sex offenders. To do that, we had no choice but to temporarily release them.” However, the Tory leader denied that any deal had been done with the sex criminals in question regarding their early release in exchange for defeating the invasion. “We successfully appealed to their natural patriotism,” he informed an incredulous Commons. “They may be utterly depraved perverts that any right-thinking person would string up from a lamppost, but they are also blue-blooded Englishmen prepared to put their lives on the line for the love of Queen and country!”

Whilst the operation was supposed to have been conducted in secret, the ongoing battles between alien children and sex offenders quickly caught the attention of the public. “There was this bunch of rowdy kids at the local playground – they were bullying some of the other kids and it was getting a bit nasty. Then suddenly this van pulled up, the back doors flew open and this bunch of blokes piled out and started attacking the bullies,” Brenda Ratmann, a forty six year old Barnsley housewife told the Daily Norks last month. “It was quite shocking – they were beating these kids to a pulp! But that wasn’t all, some of them started pulling the clothes off of the delinquents and started molesting them!” Mrs Ratmann naturally called the police, but was shocked by their response when they arrived. “By the time they got there none of the kiddies was moving – they were all bloodied and battered. I was expecting the cops to immediately round up the attackers and give them a good beating,” she explained to the Daily Norks’ reporter. “But instead, they just put all the attackers back into the white van and let them drive away! Then they screened off the whole area – they working there all night, you could see the spot lights for miles, By the next morning the screens were gone and the playground looked as if nothing had happened.”

However, one of her neighbours apparently caught a glimpse of the police operation. “She reckoned that she saw blokes in full protective chemical warfare suits zipping the bodies into plastic bags before loading them into the back of a black van,” Ratmann told the tabloid. “She said that there was something strange about the bodies – that they didn’t look quite human!” Police in Barnsley have denied that any such incident ever took place, pointing out that no witnesses other than Mrs Ratmann had come forward and that there had been no reports of children going missing in the area. Nevertheless, the Daliy Norks and other tabloids have continued to chronicle similar instances up and down the country – all subsequently denied by the police. “The pattern was always the same – strange-looking kids engaged in anti-social behaviour attacked by gangs of adult perverts, with subsequent police cover-ups,” says the Norks’ Chief Crime Correspondent, Dermot Crunk. “There were never any bodies or reports of missing children. People who claimed to have glimpsed the bodies before they disappeared always said the same thing – they didn’t look quite human, even taking into account the beatings they had received!” According to Crunk, in most cases the witnesses mysteriously withdrew their statements within days of the incidents – often after visits by sinister ‘men in black’. “One woman in Reigate told us – on condition of anonymity – that she’d been visited by these characters after we printed her story that she’d recognised one of the attackers as Gary Glitter and even got his autograph,” he reveals. “They claimed to be from ‘the government’ and, when she refused to hand over the autograph, forced their way into her house, tied her to her own ironing board and ‘water boarded’ her until she told them where it was!”

Prime Minister David Cameron maintains that the army of sex offenders unleashed against the alien children pose no threat to the general public. “Believe me, we are taking every precaution to ensure that they focus only on the aliens and don’t molest ordinary earth children,” he assured dumbfounded MPs. “They are only deployed once the alien presence has clearly been identified and qualified handlers from G4S – who currently hold the contract for repelling alien invasions with convicted sex offenders – are always on hand to administer chemical, or real if necessary, castration if things go awry.” MPs from all sides of the House remain less than convinced by Cameron’s statement, pointing out that he remains vague on the question of the actual threat posed by the aliens or, indeed, their origin, nature and motives. “Well, obviously they are shape-shifters – they start to revert to their true hideous form when dead,” he claimed, in reply to a question from a Tory backbencher. “They’re from space, of course, being aliens. As for what they want, what do these aliens ever want? To murder us in our beds? Take our jobs? Rape our women? Steal our resources? Who knows how their foul alien minds work?”

Asked for proof of the actual existence of the alien children by a Labour MP, the Prime Minister pointed to the increased levels of violent crimes committed by children being reported. “Every day we hear of them attacking not only children, but also adults! Brutal assaults without apparent rhyme or reason,” he reported. “The perpetrators are always feral – no parents or homes, no record of them anywhere! Clearly they are not of our world!” Some MPs remained unconvinced. “I can understand the logic of deploying convicted child murderers and others with a history of violence against children to combat alien children,” mused veteran Labour left-winger Tom Skinkles. “But what I don’t understand is the need for peadophiles as well. I mean, if the object is to kill the alien children, why use people who are attracted to children?” Cameron was quick to respond to this query. “According to our top boffins, the internal anatomy of these aliens mean that a good hard poke up the arse can prove fatal,” he declared. “Not only that, but one thing that Eton taught me was that sometimes a bloody good bumming is the best way to get your message across. Or so some of the other boys told me. Believe me, if we allow a few of the blighters to return to their spaceships, or wherever they come from, with their arses aching after a good pounding, then they’ll soon think twice about coming back!”

A government spokesperson has categorically denied allegations in The Guardian that Cameron’s claims of an alien child invasion is simply part of an attempt to cover up the fact that private prison contractors had released hundreds of convicted sex offenders by mistake.