Welcome to our semi-regular feature – Ask the Rev – where leading paranormal expert and ordained priest (in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist) Reverend Leonard Fanny addresses our readers’ supernatural personal problems. This time the Rev’s expertise is required to deal with the case of ‘My Living Sex Dolls’.
Dear Reverend,
I come to you with a most unusual problem – I ejaculate dead people. Like most men, despite being in a long-term relationship, I still enjoy to masturbate and indulge in the imaginary sexual antics that my partner would never consent to, not to mention fantasising about what would be like to have sex with someone else: a celebrity, a colleague, a neighbour, even just some girl I saw at a bus stop. Normally this is all just harmless, private fun, but just lately the most extraordinary thing has been happening – when I reach the vinegar stroke and shoot my load, instead of jism, I find myself ejecting large clouds of ectoplasm. Most disturbingly, this ectoplasm then forms into a life size naked replica of whoever has been the object of my masturbatory fantasies. They are perfect in every detail, able to speak and function like a real person. The first time it happened, I found myself face-to-face with legendary sex siren Marilyn Monroe. Obviously, I couldn’t resist the temptation and started to have sex with her – it wasn’t adultery, I told myself, as she wasn’t real, just a product of my masturbation. Unfortunately, I heard my wife come in from work downstairs and hurriedly had to disengage and hide Marilyn under the bed. I mean, how could I have explained her presence to my wife?
After moving Marilyn to the attic while my wife was in the shower, I found that I had no energy for sexual relations with my wife that night. The next morning, though, after she had gone to work, I got Marilyn down from the attic and gave her a good hard shagging – at the moment of orgasm, she seemed to burst, leaving only a sticky mess on the bedclothes. Thinking I now had the key to dealing with these strange ectoplasmic apparitions I was ejaculating, I set about experimenting with conjuring up some more. I’d just managed to jerk out the late Collinson twins – former nude centrefolds and stars of numerous sex films – when, again, I was interrupted by the sound of the front door unlocking. Ushering the twins into the closet, I again managed to avoid my wife encountering the products of my onanism. Thankfully, she had to go out again that evening to meet friends and I was able to shag the twins out of existence – but it left me exhausted. Which is the crux of my problem: fascinated by my new power, I just can’t stop masturbating, but I simply don’t have the energy to shag them away at the same rate. Consequently, I have Claudia Jennings in the closet, Francois Dorleac and Jean Seberg in the attic and a whole cabal of old time movie stars including Thelma Todd, Theda Barra and Clara Bow out in the shed. It’s sheer hell trying to stop my wife from seeing them. Even worse, whenever she’s out, they insist on coming into the house proper – they spend hours sitting around the kitchen table chattering inanely about trivia and telling me how unhappy they are about some the fantasies I put them into – it’s driving me mad! What can I do before the situation gets completely out of hand? Is there some way of stopping the subjects of my sexual fantasies from materialising?
Andy McHandy
Pokesdown
The Rev Replies: A most perplexing conundrum! As the Church of Jesus Christ the Latter Day Naturist doesn’t consider masturbation a sin, on the contrary seeing it merely as a celebration of God’s marvellous creation, the human body, an act of worship, if you like, I very much doubt that your problems are the result of demonic possession or Satanic influences. I’d speculate that your imagination and libido are so great that when they work in concert – when you masturbate – they can actually bring into being your fantasies in physical form. The fact that your masturbatory fantasies are so real and the frequency with which you masturbate suggests a sense of dissatisfaction with your actual sex life. Although you don’t specify the exact nature of your fantasies, the fact that you say they are the sort of thing your wife doesn’t consent to suggests they might be extreme in nature – bondage, physical punishment, extreme cream play, perhaps?
I think the key here is either to persuade your wife into sharing these fantasies, or finding some common deviance you can both enjoy – some sort of wholesome religious role play, perhaps, in which you wife is tied to a cross while you penetrate her with you ‘spear’ in an erotic re-enactment of the crucifixion? The Church of Christ the Latter Day Naturist has a number of such approved sexual activities and I can send you our pamphlet on the subject if you like. I’m also guessing from your letter that, bearing in mind the amount of time you seem to spend at home alone while your wife works, that you are unemployed or retired, leaving you with too much time on your hands to indulge your fantasies. Perhaps getting a job, or volunteering for a charity might cut down your masturbation time and reduce the intensity of your fantasies. As for what to do about all of these living sex dolls you are currently cramming into every conceivable hiding place, it occurs to me that you could perhaps persuade them to indulge in some kind of sapphic gang bang – there’s a chance that the sexual energies released will cause them to disintegrate much as they do when you have intercourse with them. As a bonus, it will also provide you with an afternoon’s entertainment.
As a final observation, I think that you are lucky that you seem to be sexually fixated upon having unorthodox sex with deceased screen and porn idols – while explaining their presence to your wife would be difficult enough, imagine how much more awkward it would be if she were to encounter a naked female neighbour in the closet, or her naked sister, say, in the larder?
The Rev will be back soon to give more advice on your paranormal problems. So, if your sex life is a hump in the night or you find yourself nocturnally plagued by the attentions of a spectral groper, drop us a line.
(The Rev is also available for weddings, christenings and exorcisms, the latter only on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons).
