“There are going to be a lot of disappointed children this Christmas, if this injunction isn’t lifted,” forty six year old Gus Gusto explains to The Sleaze. “Believe me, there’s no point in hoping that Santa is going to deliver their presents – unlike me, he doesn’t exist!” Gusto was arrested by West Midlands Constabulary last week after a Solihull man was seriously injured by a gift-wrapped Christmas parcel, apparently fired through his letter box at high velocity. “The suspect was apprehended two streets away from the crime scene, dressed in a Santa suit,” Inspector Jim Candles told a press conference. “When officers approached him, he was in the process of dropping his trousers and underwear and placing his backside against the letter box of a private residence. As he was handcuffed by the arresting officers, a wrapped Christmas parcel dropped out from between his cheeks. When questioned, he claimed that he was the legendary ‘Farter Christmas’, who delivers Christmas gifts by farting them down chimneys.” Police rejected these claims, saying that they believed that the offending parcel had been propelled at a velocity too high to be consistent with having been expelled from a human anus by an eruption of wind. “Forensic scientists have attempted to replicate the crime using an air compressor and have concluded that it would be humanly impossible for anyone to fart that powerfully,” claimed Candles. “Moreover, nobody has ever heard of this ‘Farter Christmas’ – he’s clearly a completely made up alias being used by this dangerous maniac as he fires parcels at unsuspecting membrs of he public with some kind of powerful air cannon.”
Speaking exclusively to The Sleaze Gusto, who was bailed after being charged with attempted murder and served with an injunction forbidding him from breaking wind through any letterbox or down any Chimney in the UK, has taken issue with Candles’ claims. “I can assure everyone that ‘Farter Christmas’ is a very real seasonal character with a long tradition in Europe,” he says. “For centuries, the sound of a fart rippling down your chimney, blowing down clouds of soot and Christmas gifts heralded the start of Yuletide. The problems started with those prissy Victorians who tried to suppress ‘Farter Christmas’ and replace him with the bowdlerised ‘Father Christmas’, who climbs down chimneys to deliver presents rather than farting them down. Absolutely ridiculous and impractical, of course – how would such a fat man ever fit down a chimney, for goodness sake? Farting the presents down is far more sensible.” Gusto admits that, in recent decades, he has been forced to fart presents through letter boxes as fewer and fewer houses are built with chimneys. “It’s not quite the same, obviously,” he opines. “You don’t get the wonderful cloud of soot, for instance, but it at least keeps the tradition alive. It was just unfortunate that, in this particular case, someone inside was walking past the front door as I guffed the parcel through it.”
Yet doubts persist as to the existence of ‘Farter Christmas’, with various media outlets questioning not only his apparently superhuman abilities for firing parcels out of his arse, but also as to how he manages to keep so many parcels up there in the first place. “Well, obviously, I’m not a mere mortal human being but a supernatural seasonal spirit,” he told The Sleaze. “Quite apart from that, my wind breaking abilities are fuelled by my exclusive diet of Christmas fayre – I consume at least half a dozen Christmas pudding and a round dozen mince pies every day before going out on my rounds.” He also explained that he doesn’t hold all of his deliveries up his jacksie. “I stick a number of them up there before each delivery,” he says. “Before that they are carried in a sack – which, of course, in the bastardised form that is ‘Father Christmas’, becomes his sole means of carriage for presents.” Gusto admits, however, that some presents are more difficult than others to deliver in his unique manner. “Before going out, I always pray ‘Please don’t let there be a bike on today’s list’,” he confides. “I tell you, they are absolute murder on the old ring piece – both going in and going out. I often have to soak my poor arse in warm water after such deliveries. Moreover, they usually won’t go down chimneys or through letterboxes – I damaged several glass fronted doors last year with bike deliveries.”
But many who have been on the receiving end of Gusto’s deliveries have been less than enamoured of the results. “His anal antics are no laughing matter,” thirty seven year old Terry Gropeheart told the Ruislip Animal Husbandry Gazette, describing his experience. “There was this horrendous farting noise echoing down the chimney, followed by clouds of soot that nearly choked us, before this gift wrapped scooter came clattering down the flue, bringing half the brickwork with it! On top of that, the house was filled with this noxious cloud of evil smelling wind – my poor wife turned green. Worst of all, the present itself was covered in shit and stank to high heaven. There was no way we could give that to our daughter!” Gusto’s letter box deliveries have, allegedly, been no better, with one Redditch man alleging that while ‘Farter Christmas’ had let rip through his letterbox, no present was deposited. “Instead, this stream of high pressure liquid shit came blasting through,” he told the Redditch Daily Cattle Exchange and Mart. “It was hideous, spattering all over the hallway and halfway up the stairs!”
But the question remains: is Gus Gusto really ‘Farter Christmas’, or is he simply a delusional obsessive who has created the character in order to justify his fetish for breaking wind through household appetures and down chimneys? “It is quite clear that he’s a bloody nutter,” says Professor Bob Mincer, Senior Consultant in Aberrant Psychologies at the Psychiatric Department of the East Reading College of Arts and Crafts. “He’s quite obviously constructed this entire elaborate fantasy in order to try and normalise his fruit cake behaviour. There is no ‘Farter Christmas’ save in his warped mind.” Gusto is adamant that he is the real ‘Farter Christmas’. “It’s like that film where that department store Santa claims he’s the real Father Christmas,” he declares. “They couldn’t prove that he wasn’t (even though ‘Father Christmas’ is entirely made up), any more than anyone can prove that I am not the actual ‘Farter Christmas’ who has been farting the spirit of Christmas for centuries!” Gusto is due to appear in court again, in relation to the attempted murder charge, in January.
