“This is the worst one yet,” observes environmentalist Derek de Preeze, as he stands knee deep in sex toy strewn water off the coast of Norfolk, trying to remove a dildo from the throat of a choking sea gull. “The authorities really need to start acting over these porn spillages – just look at the damage they are doing to our environment. If it isn’t birds chocking on plastic penises, then it fish getting caught in cock rings and seals entangled in whips and bondage gear. Not to mention the huge lubricant slick currently threatening Lowestoft.” He gesticulates at the nearby beach, covered in sodden porn magazines washed in by the tide. “I mean, how are families meant to enjoy beaches like these when they are covered in pictures of out sized breasts and jiggling buttocks?” he laments. “There’s no room to build sandcastles for all this filth, let one set up deck chairs or sunbathe. It’s enough to make you weep when I think of the hours we’ve spent cleaning the sands of discarded plastic bottles and other rubbish, just for this to happen!” The chaos de Preeze and his fellow volunteers are currently battling to clean up is just the latest in a series of spillages of pornographic material washing up on Britain’s coasts, often the contents of containers washed overboard from overladen cargo ships and smashed open on rocks.

“Sometimes the containers wash up intact,” says de Preeze. “Which is often worse – you then get hordes of pillagers descending on the beaches, breaking them open and running off with the contents. You’ll see guys driving away with their cars packed full of hardcore smut and half a dozen sex dolls strapped to the roof rack!” But what is the reason for this sudden increase in porn spillages? According to de Preeze, much of it has to do with Brexit. “One of the consequences of leaving the EU has been not only a huge increase in import duties on hot continental porn and sex aid supplies, but also huge delays at UK ports thanks to new customs regimes” he claims. “Apparently, there are tons of the stuff in containers trapped in backlogs at Dover alone. Add to that the current shortage of HGV drivers and you have a supply crisis for porn in the UK.” Consequently, a trade in illicit imports has sprung up, with tons of porn being hidden in containers carrying supposedly innocent cargoes – often being loaded last on the container ships, meaning the containers are up on deck, at the top of the stack and vulnerable to being washed overboard in heavy seas. “Well, the official story from ship’s masters and ship owners is that they are washed overboard and that they had no idea what was inside the containers,” opines de Preeze. “In truth, these porn-filled containers are transferred from the container ships to smaller vessels at sea in order to be surreptitiously landed somewhere in the UK, evading customs. But often, they are lost during the transfer.” Moreover, there are many smaller boats trying to smuggle in porn cargoes from the Netherlands, some of which end up wrecked in storms or are forced to dump their cargoes overboard when approached by Border Control or customs launches.

So far, the government response has been disappointing, according to de Preeze. “As usual, Boris Johnson just mumbled some nonsense about ‘Building Back Better’ and waved his arms,” he says. “They seem to think that the British porn industry will be able to make up the porn deficit in time, thereby eliminating the incentive to illegally import the continental smut which is currently littering our coast line and clogging the nets of British fishermen. But that’s utter bollocks – indigenous porn isn’t hard enough for the aficionados, the models are just not exotic enough, (they all look like some fat bird from behind the counter at Asda), the action too tame. There just isn’t enough kink.” Some right-wing Tory back benchers have moved to back the Prime Minister’s position, expressing satisfaction that continental porn is being kept out of the UK. “We don’t need this disgusting foreign filth tainting our shores – if tons of it are being dashed against the rocks of our coastline, all the better,” declares top anti-EU mouthpiece Mark Porker. “Believe me, we don’t want their kind of perverted nonsense, British people want good old traditional British smut: all big bouncing breasts and quivering slapped buttocks! This is an opportunity for British porn to ‘Build Back Better’ – once we’ve re-established its domestic supremacy, we’ll be in a position to export it to the world!”

Not all Tory MPs, however, agree with Porker, with some bemoaning the lack of continental sex workers since Brexit. “You just can’t get a good whipping anywhere in London, these days,” says former Arts Minister Cuthbert Shitters. “The British girls are just too heavy handed and have the wrong approach. Not only are they too homely looking, but they all seem disinterested and bored by proceeding, more interested in chewing gum, gossiping with their friends or following their social media accounts on their phones! We need more exoticism, more technique and, to be frank, more class in the business!” Other Tory back benchers have also been bemoaning the loss of their foreign mistresses, many of whom have been forced to leave the EU since Brexit, complaining that British mistresses are simply no substitute. “They are just too lumpy and too dull,” explains Shitter. “Nobody wants to be caught out cheating on their wife with someone like that – it would undermine their credibility as a sex magnet if they weren’t caught shagging someone svelte, sophisticated and foreign!”

Consequently, a group of Tory MPs led by Shitter is proposing a temporary visa scheme to allow limited numbers of properly qualified EU sex workers and mistresses into the UK for a limited period. “Our idea is to bring them in to bridge the gap until we can train and condition sufficient numbers of British women to properly fulfil these roles,” he says. “We are proposing the establishment of new college courses to teach the correct techniques and etiquette for dominatrix, not to mention slimming, deportment and foreign language courses for potential mistresses.” While Shitter and his colleagues argue the benefits to Britain’s women of their scheme by providing them with educational and professional opportunities, they have been dismissed by the opposition as being ‘deeply misogynistic’. De Preeze, meanwhile, continues to try and clean up the latest porn spillage. “It really is a disaster – have you any idea the effort required to clean lubricant from the feathers of hundreds of sea birds?” he asks. “If the government doesn’t act soon, then we’ll be risking not just the deaths of thousands of birds, fish and other wildlife, but also the moral of corruption of a generation of children through their exposure to hardcore porn and sex toys washed up on our beaches!”