An Oxford woman has sensationally claimed that one of the Royal Princes is, in fact, her son, kidnapped at the age of four and subsequently brought up by Prince Charles and the late Princess Diana as their child. “It was the posh accent which threw me, but the more I saw Prince Harry on the telly, the more convinced I became that he was actually my Arnie,” Forty two year old Delia Krasken, who has been detained by police several times over her attempts to approach the Prince, told Practical Conspiracies magazine. “I know I haven’t seen him since he was snatched from that park when he was just a little boy, but a mother always knows her own child – and that’s definitely him! All the elocution lessons, public school education and privileged, elitist life they’ve subjected him to can’t disguise the fact that he’s still that little kid from the Blackbird Leys estate!” Despite having been sectioned under the Mental Health Act following her last attempt to contact the Prince – jumping over a barrier at the Invictus Games and running toward him screaming ‘Come to mummy Arnie!’ before being beaten to the ground by armed police officers, Krasken maintains that her son Arnie wasn’t the victim of a random peadophile, but was actually abducted as part of a sinister plot on the part of the British Royal family.

According to the unemployed former cleaner, her son was snatched from a park in the notorious Oxford housing estate by a group of black suited mystery men. “I just turned my back for a minute while he was on the swings, when I turned around he was being dragged, screaming, off of the swings by these men dressed like butlers,” Krasken recalled in the magazine interview. “I tried to stop them, but one of the bastards pushed me to the ground whilst the rest of them bundled Arnie into a big black limousine – a Daimler, I think – which was pulled up outside the park, its engine running.” The last Krasken saw of her son was a glimpse of the four year old’s terrified face in the rear window of the car as it sped away. “The police just wouldn’t take me seriously when I went to them,” she explained. “They even suggested that I didn’t even have a son and that I’d imagined the whole thing!” Unlike the police, top conspiracy theorist and associate editor of Practical Conspiracies Eddie Flopper does believe Krasken’s story. “Her experience isn’t unique – there are many similar stories of ordinary children from poor families being snatched by wealthier families to replace their own children who have either died, become sick or just turned out bad,” he claims in the latest issue. “They rely on the fact that no one is going to notice, let alone care about, the disappearance of some lower class brat.”

Most shockingly, Flopper has alleged that virtually every Royal pregnancy for at least the last century has been arranged for political convenience. “The reality is that Royal pregnancies don’t happen by accident – they are carefully timed to distract the public from other major issues,” his latest article claims. “Just look at the Duchess of Cambridge’s latest pregnancy – it conveniently occurs just as the government are faced by several crises simultaneously: the Tories start losing by-elections to UKIP, the government is consequently in a state of panic, Ebola is running wild in Africa and now threatening to spread to the US and Europe and ISIS are apparently unstoppable in their annexation of large swathes of the Middle East. So what’s the solution? That’s right, another Royal pregnancy starts to dominate the front pages in order to distract the attention of the stupid masses whilst the Tories slip on Nazi armbands to try and out-fascist UKIP and NATO napalms West Africa out of existence in order to resolve the Ebola crisis!” Obviously, Flopper’s allegations raise the question of exactly how the shady powers behind the scenes could manage to get the Royal women to conceive on cue? Do they have special artificial insemination teams on stand-by? Maybe they like to do it the ‘old fashioned’ way and have ‘studs’ on call at all times, just in case a political crisis breaks?

“The fact is that the pregnancies are entirely fake – that’s why they have to kidnap working class children,” opines Flopper. “We all know the upper classes flinch at the very idea of physical contact, let alone having sex – it’s just so vulgar and lower class to rut like animals. That’s for the peasants. They’d rather it was all done for them by someone else, so that they can avoid all the messy bits and just get with riding horses, shooting things and being rich. So when a convenient Royal pregnancy is needed, the princess in question just has to fake a bit of morning sickness and wear a series of fake pregnancy bumps for the next nine months.” When it comes to the birth, he claims, the Princess in question is simply rushed into an exclusive private hospital where a new born child is put into their arms and they then parade it to the press and public on a convenient balcony. “Of course, the new born baby has actually just been snatched from some random working class single mother who is told that they suffered a miscarriage,” Flopper says. “Needless to say that everyone involved is sworn to secrecy – any hospital staff who threaten to break ranks and spill the secret to the press are eliminated. Just like that nurse after Prince George was born!”

Flopper has further claimed that the children are regularly changed as they grow up. “In the past, if a Royal child developed a degenerative disease or turned out to be mentally disabled, they vanished from public view and were locked away in some remote stately home,” he explains. “But nowadays, they just snatch another working class kiddie who looks a bit like the existing ‘Prince’ and indoctrinate them into becoming a replacement. That’s obviously what happened with young Arnie Krasken – the previous ‘Prince Harry’ developed a ‘fault’, maybe he turned out to be a drooling idiot, or started torturing and killing small animals, who knows, and had to be replaced. If Arnie hadn’t have had red hair, then some other unfortunate four year old would have been grabbed. Mind you, the indoctrination can’t always hide the replacements’ origins. Just look at ‘Prince Harry’ – beneath that thin posh veneer he’s clearly just some young yob from a council estate.” As for the fate of the ‘originals’ in such cases, Flopper has only speculation. “Knowing how ruthless these bastards are, they’re probably ‘taken care of’ with a pillow pressed over their faces in dead of night,” he says. “Still, if nothing else, this all explains why Royal offspring frequently don’t look like their parents it isn’t the result of cuckolding, just child abduction.”