Leading sex therapists are warning that Britain is facing an explosion of sex addiction, fuelled by the ready availability of pornography via the internet. “Make no mistake, this country is teetering on the edge of an erotic disaster – if the sexual desires of these addicts can’t be met, then we’ll see an explosion of inappropriate public sexual conduct,” warns Dr Roderick Ramploss, Britain’s top expert on sex addiction. ”Trust me, hardcore addicts will go to any lengths to try and satisfy their rampant sexual urges – they’ll resort to robbery, fraud and mugging in order get the funds for their visits to prostitutes and they’ll be ram-raiding newsagents for supplies of top-shelf pornography. The government has to act now if we are to avert a massive increase in such sex-related crimes.” To avoid this nightmare scenario of Britain’s streets overrun by priapic fiends, Ramploss and his colleagues are recommending that pornography and prostitutes be made available on the National Health Service (NHS). “It’s ridiculous that, right now, if I want to prescribe any of my patients the appropriate therapy, it has to be done in expensive private brothels and porn cinemas,” he declares. “Believe me, this is resulting in thousands of sex addicts being denied treatment. As it stands, the best free treatment I can offer NHS patients is whacking off over the lingerie pages of a clothes catalogue.” According to Ramploss, sex addiction can, like other substance abuses, be treated by easing the sufferer off of their dependency in stages. “Just making them go ‘cold turkey’ would be disastrous – the craving behind sex addiction is so powerful that, if deprived of normal sexual activity, sufferers would quite literally masturbate themselves to death. Worse still, they could seek other outlets, sticking their penises into plug sockets and electrocuting themselves, for instance,” he explains. “No, they must be weaned off of their addiction under controlled conditions – their porn intake gradually reduced, and their sexual activity modified by specially trained prostitutes. Before they know it, instead of desiring five times a night hot nympho sluts, they’ll be satisfied with demure housewife types who only do it once a week with the light off. Ultimately, after a few weeks of my treatment regime, even the worst sex addicts will be able satisfy their urges with a twice weekly session with a blow-up sex doll.” Consequently, Ramploss is calling for brothel wards to be set up in every major NHS hospital, staffed by imported prostitutes dressed as nurses. “I know from personal experience that our home grown slappers just aren’t up to the job,” he says. “No stamina, no imagination. What’s needed are highly trained Scandinavian girls or, failing that, some of those big-thighed Slavic girls from Russia.”

Ramploss and his colleagues’ claims that the country is facing an epidemic of sex addiction have been greeted with scepticism, with some critics even questioning whether the affliction actually exists. “Are they really asking us to believe that some middle manager with overactive hormones who can’t get enough on a par with poor bastards who are wrecking their lives because they’re hooked on drugs, drink or gambling?” asks the government’s Chief Sex Advisor, Sir Nicholas Arspring. “In my day such people were simply described as ‘randy’ or ‘oversexed’ and advised to take a cold shower. Still, I suppose ‘sex addiction’ sounds more respectable. Just like being a ‘cocaine user’ sounds better than being a junkie” He suspects that sex therapists may have an ulterior motive in promoting ‘sex addiction’ as some kind of medical syndrome. “They’ve just about exhausted all the old established addictions and psychoses, so it is in their interests to promote a new one,” Opines Arspring. “What makes this so-called addiction so laughable is, unlike drink, drugs or gambling, it can be easily relieved. By hand! A quick one off the wrist should surely relieve any sexual tension!“ Sir Nicholas also fears that so-called sex addiction could also be used to justify all kinds of sexual offences, on the pretext that the perpetrator couldn’t help themselves. “It will become the standard defence for every flasher, groper and rapist out there,” he warns. “They’ll all be seeking court ordered treatment instead of prison.” Not surprisingly, Ramploss takes issue both with Sir Nicholas’s characterisation of sex addicts and his treatment suggestions. “It is quite ridiculous to equate sex addicts with sex offenders – everyone knows that the latter are disturbed lower class congenital perverts, whereas the sort of people we treat are respectable professionals suffering from an illness,” he says. “As for the idea that masturbation could be used as a form of treatment, Sir Nicholas simply fails to grasp that we’re talking about people whose sexual cravings are so extreme that no masturbatory fantasy could possibly satisfy them. The sort of depraved fantasies which might satisfy them would be so extreme as to completely blow their minds and send them off on the kind of psychotic sex rampage he so fears!”

Ramploss’ claims that internet pornography lies behind the explosion in sex addiction have also been disputed. “Surely, like all pornography, internet smut is a substitute for real sex,” argues Joey Dippler, a self-proclaimed expert on internet pornography. “Looking at it might make you addicted to whacking off in front of a computer, but it isn’t likely to make you go out and shag multiple women. Let’s face it, if you were able to do that, you wouldn’t be looking at on line nudie pics in the first place.” The sex therapist has little time for such arguments. “We aren’t talking about schoolboys looking at pictures of big-breasted single mothers on webcams,” he declares angrily. “In fact, the kind of people I treat don’t even look at this filth – they mainline it! They plug their modem cables into their penises and download it directly! Not harmless softcore stuff, but real hardcore filth – direct into their gonads! Is it any wonder that they’re utterly rampant, exhausting their wives and girlfriends with their demands? Believe me this isn’t like the good old days when you couldn’t get anything harder than Knave or Mayfair, and even then you could only smoke rolled up pages one at a time!” Sir Nicholas Arspring remains unconvinced. “I’m sorry, but you are never going to convince me that this load of psycho-babble the likes of Dr Ramploss are spouting is anything other than a justification for men who cheat on their wives and visit prostitutes,” he says. “Perhaps I’ll change my mind if we start seeing cases of these supposed sex addicts overdosing – bonking themselves to death or rupturing their testicles as they get overexcited by online porn – but I very much doubt it!” Nevertheless, despite the scepticism of their Chief Sex Advisor, the government is considering setting up a working party to investigate sex addiction. “There’s no denying that these therapists’ demented ravings about ‘sex addiction’ make for good copy and spectacular headlines,” says a Downing Street spokesperson. “It could be just the thing to divert public attention away from bird flu, Iraq and the economy. I mean what newspaper is going to run with a story about dubious political contributions when it can have a headline screaming about sex addicts running wild in the streets, instead?”