Mass panic has greeted the news that Santa Claus is about to publish his memoirs, in which he plans to spill the beans on some of the things he has seen during his present delivering activities. “It’s bloody outrageous – I mean, we all knew that he kept a list of who had been naughty and who had been nice, but not that he was keeping detailed notes accompanied by photographic evidence,” splutters top barrister Leon Plottski, who has announced that he is seeking an injunction preventing publication, on behalf of several high profile clients. “What people get up to under their own Christmas trees at Yuletide is an entirely private matter and shouldn’t end up spread across the tabloids thanks to some festive Peeping Tom!” Rumours are rife that Santa’s revelations will reveal the salacious details of how he surprised a number of celebrities and public figures in compromising as he came down their chimneys. “There’s some pretty sensational stuff in those memoirs,” reveals Eric Hogsmann, Features Editor of the <b>Daily Norks</b>, which is planning to serialise the book over the festive period. “Like how he caught a certain pop star using his kid’s Christmas stocking as a wank sock, not to mention the well known newsreader he surprised who was dressed in a Santa suit, giving another household name presenter dressed as Rudolph one up the jacksie!”

According to Hogsmann, Santa’s stories aren’t mere hearsay – he has photographic and audio evidence to back them up. “He’s been forced to carry a camera for some years now – for insurance purposes, obviously. It’s the only way he can keep the premiums on the sleigh down to reasonable levels,” explains Hogsmann. “Plus, he has been advised to record ll his conversations for legal reasons – you wouldn’t believe the abuse he sometimes gets when some ungrateful git doesn’t like the present Santa has just delivered!” Indeed, the so called ‘Santa Cam’ has proven invaluable over the past few years in terms of providing evidence for the successful prosecution of several individuals who have tried to assault Father Christmas. “That’s the trouble with working on Christmas Eve and Christmas night – you always run the risk of confrontations with drunken revellers,” says Hogsmann. “Only last year he was punched in the face by a gang of inebriated youths trying to steal presents from his sleigh while he was in Brackley. One of them even head butted Rudolph before Santa finally got away. Thanks to his camera footage, though, they are all doing community service now.”

Plottski remains unimpressed by the newspaperman’s justification for Santa’s recording of his clients. “Even if he is required to record his activities for legal reasons, it is still completely unethical for him to be releasing the footage to the public domain, let alone for personal profit,” he raged. “Police officers and members of the emergency services also carry cameras, but if they were to use the footage in this way they would undoubtedly be prosecuted! As should Santa – this is a clear betrayal of the trust we place in him as a beloved festive icon!” Hogsmann, however, has little time for Plottski’s concerns. “Look, Santa has spent the best years of his life delivering presents to ungrateful bastards like Mr Plottski’s clients – he should have retired years ago,” he says. “But with the retirement age being raised and his pension funds being devalued by the financial crash, he feels that he has absolutely no choice but to sell his story in order to raise funds for his delayed retirement.” The journalist further opined that as Santa, technically, wasn’t a UK citizen, then he didn’t come under the jurisdiction of British law, making him immune to prosecution. “He’s a citizen of the world, but generally resident at the North Pole which, of course, has no extradition treaty with the UK,” he claimed, adding that Santa planned to follow up his revelations by publishing his ‘Naughty and Nice’ list. “You wouldn’t believe the stuff he’s got in the ‘Naughty’ column!”

“For God’s sake, if he reveals any names in relation to alleged misdemeanours then that will constitute a very serious breach of the Data Protection Act,” fumes Plottski. “This just gets worse and worse! The potential reputational damage to my clients is devastating.” But it isn’t just celebrities worried about Santa’s activities. “Listen, that white bearded bastard tried to blackmail me a few years ago,” claims fifty two year old scaffolder’s mate Bert Vingtech. “It happened after his sleigh collided with my van one Christmas Eve – it was definitely his fault, he bloody came out of nowhere, pissed as a fart he was. But when I tried to get his insurance details off of him, he started threatening me, reckoned that he had pictures of me from the Christmas before – pictures showing me pleasuring my mate’s wife with a Christmas tree, and that he’d send them to <i>my</i> wife if I didn’t drop any insurance claim against him!” Vingtech is one of a number of people who have come forward to accuse Santa of attempting to extort money from them under threat of revealing compromising pictures and videos, with many suspecting that, during his Christmas visit, he had secreted hidden cameras in their houses.

“It all makes sense, when you think about it,” muses Plottski. “Where else would he get the information he needs for his ‘Naughty and Nice’ list if it isn’t from secret surveillance?” Despite the furore and threats of legal action surrounding Santa’s memoirs, the <b>Daily Norks</b> is pressing ahead with its plans to serialise the story. “You can’t buy publicity like this,” gloats Hogsmann. “The world and his wife will be buying the paper, not just to see which celebrities and public figures are being scandalised, but just in case their friends and neighbours, or worse, themselves, are featured!” Santa himself, meanwhile, is rumoured to have been forced into hiding, amid rumours that a number of disgruntled world leaders, fearful that their Christmas misadventures are about to be exposed, have ordered their secret services to assassinate Father Christmas. “Vadimir Putin is said to be especially upset over some alleged footage of him and some elves,” says Plottski. “Apparently his assassins are just biding their time, knowing that Santa is going to have to break cover come Christmas Eve in order to deliver his presents. This year he’ll have to take the risk that any chimney he goues down could have been smeared with Novichok!”