“So, you know what? We should let them have it. If the bloody Last Night of the Proms and all that flag waving and bellowing out ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ and ‘Rule Britannia’ means that much to the right-wingers, then we should just let them go ahead with it as normal, Covid or no Covid,” opines left-wing commentator Nick Swarm, writing in his regular Sunday Bystander column. “In fact, this year we should let them go the full hog – indulge their penchant for Nazi cosplay, so there are plenty of swastika flags being waved among the union jacks. Mix in a few good Nazi songs to go with the jack boots, then, as they all join in with the chorus of ‘Land of Hope and Glory,’ the huge banners of Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson can unfurl behind them. Then, as it all reaches a crescendo, Boris himself could appear on the balcony and give it all the double thumbs up. And then do you know what we should do? Seal the doors and gas the fucking lot of them!” Not only would this wipe out a whole swathe of the most hard core rightist cocks in one go, he believes, but it might also take out right-wing viewers watching at home.
“You can just guarantee that in the build up to this climax, all the right-wing bastards watching at home will have been wanking themselves silly and the appearance of Boris alone would undoubtedly have wiped a large proportion of them out with heart attacks brought on by sexual ecstasy,” he enthuses. “The other half, hopefully, would expire, blue faced and gasping, as they witnessed the extermination going on, live, at the Albert Hall. What a bloody wonderful thought!” Swarm’s comments follow the recent furore whipped up the right-wing press over the BBC’s decision not to have the lyrics to songs such as ‘Rule Britannia’ sung at this year’s Last Night of the Proms, following scientific advice that singing might help the airborne spread of the coronavirus. “Jesus! Some things are just so predictable, aren’t they?” fumes Swarm. “As soon as the idea was floated by the BBC, the onslaught started, with the right wing spreading the completely fabricated story that songs like ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ and ‘Rule Britannia’ were being excluded completely because their imperialistic overtones might offend the Black Lives Matter campaign! For God’s sake, the BBC were only trying to follow the government’s own guidelines for avoiding transmission of the virus!”
Swarm, who freely admitted that when Prime Minister Boris Johnson was hospitalised with Covid-19, he was cheering on the virus, has, naturally, drawn the opprobrium of the right for his recent column. “Oh, for God’s sake, everybody knows that those bed-wetting commie pinkos at the BBC are deeply unpatriotic”, declares Tory backbencher and prominent member of the European Research Group, Mark Porker. “’They just HATE Britain and would like nothing better than to see us subjugated beneath a homosexual transgender feminist tyranny where political correctness is compulsory and you can be shot for calling a black person a ‘darkie’!” According to Porker, the BBC, under cover of observing health guidelines, was attacking core British values by trying to suppress the performance of traditional patriotic songs at the Last Night of the Proms. “Those limp-wristed Maoist milksops were quite clearly trying to subvert centuries of British history by implying that some of our most beloved songs, extolling the virtues of our culture, are somehow racist,” he fulminates. “These songs are a celebration of our glorious empire and the great British values and culture it spread around the world! Yet the BBC wants to denigrate this great institution!”
In response, Swarm has pointed out at that the songs in question are simply irrelevant. “Take ‘Rule Britannia’, for instance,” he says. “It extols a vision of Britain as a world dominating maritime power which hasn’t existed in reality in nearly three quarters of a century. Fool Britannia, more like. But really, who cares? Isn’t about time that they did something different at the Last Night of the Proms rather than perform the same bloody tunes year after year?” Indeed, the commentator questions even the continued existence of the Last Night of the Proms. “What was once an innocent celebration of popular classical music has become another one of those events which have been hijacked by right wing nationalists, Brexiteers and Little Englanders to try and force their agenda down our throats,” he says.
The government has responded to Swarm’s comments by threatening to have him classified as a terrorist threat, with Home Secretary Priti Patel labelling his recent column as a clear threat to British society and an incitement to violence. “Well, that’s par for the course,” he sighs. “These days just about any form of protest is classified by this government as a criminal or terrorist threat – a threat to those corrupt bastards and their friends right to cheat, lie and profit from pandemics and self-created economic recessions!” He also denied that he was inciting anyone to violence, instead he was merely entertaining his own fantasies. “What the Hell, a man’s allowed to dream isn’t he?” Swarm asks. “Besides, my hate simply helps balance the vitriol and bile that daily pours forth from the right-wing press, as their readers celebrate the deaths of asylum seekers and get outraged over the fact that Argos had an online ad where all the people in it were black. What a sad world we live in.” Swarm also remains confident that even if the Last Night of the Proms can’t be used as an opportunity to thin out the ranks of the extreme right, we’ll soon have another opportunity. “I see that the cocks are still trying to organise that festival to celebrate Brexit for 2022,” he notes. “Now they are saying they want it to be something that can ‘heal the Brexit divisions’. Yeah, I’ll tell you how that can happen – if we hire a World War Two fighter plane to strafe the crowd with live ammunition! Or make out sure that all the drugs in circulation there are seventy five percent cut with bleach. Because let’s face it, the only people who are going to turn up for this shit will be all those Brexit bastards! Shoot the lot of them! Live on TV!”
