Police forces across the Western world are bracing themselves for an upsurge in flayings and scalpings as young fans attempt to copy the latest celebrity fashion craze – the wearing of human skin. “It’s the perfect solution for conscience-stricken stars who can’t bear to wear real animal fur,” explains top fashion expert Evelyn Snorker. “Human skin – whether worn as a full body-suit or just using an upper torso – can be the perfect fashion accessory! It’s durable, waterproof and comes in a variety of colours!” The new fad first came to light last month, when supermodel Naomi Campbell attended a London movie premiere wearing what appeared to be a waistcoat fashioned from an adult white male’s torso. “Damn it, I was sick of all those animal rights bastards jeering at me for wearing furs, so I thought, ‘how can they complain about this?’ – no animals suffered for its manufacture, and they all hate human beings, anyway,” she later commented to the press. “Besides, the fact that it is white and male means that I must be making some kind of really deep and profound statement about race and gender stereotypes, doesn’t it?” Other celebrities have been quick to jump on the bandwagon, with topless model and self-styled ‘singer’ Jordan recently spotted sporting a pair of elbow length black ‘gloves’, complete with varnished nails, at a supermarket opening. “They’re brilliant,” commented the top-heavy page three favourite, as she cut the ribbon to inaugurate Tesco’s newest ‘Express’ store on a South London housing estate. “The skin is much softer than mine and if I chip a nail, I can just throw them away and get a new pair!” Arch rival Victoria Beckham was quick to respond, appearing a football awards ceremony clad in a set of 36DD breasts. “They’re all natural and need no artificial support,” she quipped to journalists in obvious reference to Jordan’s surgically enhanced ‘charms’.
Proving that this fashion craze isn’t confined to female celebrities, the former Posh Spice’s husband, David Beckham, wore a skin ‘pullover’, the arms casually tied around his waist. “It’s a great way to easily change your look – especially your hairstyle,” explained the Real Madrid hotshot. “The scalps all come with a complete hairdo – you can change from a pompadour, to a shaved head and then to a mohican whenever you feel like it, without having to pay some poncey hairdresser five hundred quid a time!” Smug popster Jay Kay caused a minor sensation when he turned up at a record industry bash wearing a coat festooned with human arms. “People can’t say I haven’t got class anymore – just look at my coat of arms,” the addled dance music maestro chortled crassly, before rolling up a trouser leg to reveal a skin ‘stocking’ covered with vivid tattoos. “Ace, innit? Saves all the pain of getting the tattoo yourself, plus it doesn’t need loads of painful laser surgery to remove it!” Perhaps the highest profile celebrity to embrace this new fashion has been movie star turned politician Arnold Scwarzenegger, who last week attended a Republican Party function wearing a female torso – complete with breasts – instead of a dinner jacket. “It helps me get in touch with my gentler female side,” claimed the California Governor, who starred in a number of ultra-violent movies. “Besides, having my own boobies to grope means I’m less likely to get another sexual harassment case brought against me!”
However, many commentators are questioning the source of the raw material for these bizarre fashion accessories, worried that the poor and disadvantaged could find themselves hunted down and flayed by ruthless skin trappers. “For all we know tramps and down and outs around London could be falling victim to cruel mantraps placed in alleyways and shop doors, lured there by a bottle of cheap supermarket whiskey or a can of strong lager,” declares General Melvin Feak, of the Salvation Army, who has been working with the homeless for over thirty years. “Before they know it their skin, scalp and goodness knows what else, could be adorning some vacuous D-lister at some Godless media orgy!” He has also raised fears that some poor people may be tempted to actually sell their skin, having layers surgically removed, then spending months in hospital waiting for it to grow back. “People at the lowest level of society might see it as a renewable resource,” Feak explains. “An alternative to the pawn shop, perhaps. I can even imagine them having tattoos done to order on some part of their anatomy, then having it surgically removed for somebody wealthier to use as a fashion accessory!”
Evelyn Snorker has moved quickly to try and dispel such fears, claiming that all fashion skin is obtained humanely. “It all comes from willing donors – people who have left their skin to high fashion in their wills,” he claims. “Let’s face it, who would want to wear the skin of some dirty old tramp? It would be far too coarse and scratchy, probably covered in pustules, too! You can guarantee they would never have moisturised properly! The skin donors are specially selected – they’ve all died under the age of thirty, always worked indoors and piercings and tattoos are only accepted where they have artistic merit!” Despite these reassurances, there are still suspicions that the Third World could be the source of illegally culled skin supplies, with reports of whole African villages wiped out by skin hunters leaving only flayed bodies in their wake. “It’s no coincidence, in my opinion, that such atrocities have been on the increase since black became the colour for this year’s fashions,” muses Professor Bernard Chitterling, head of Development Studies at East Acton College. “All it needs now is a major designer to go for orange, and we’ll see bloodbaths in tanning salons the length and breadth of England.”
Chitterling is one of a growing number of anti-skin campaigners calling for a halt to the international skin trade, claiming that imitation skin could just as easily be used for fashion purposes. “Surely it would be quicker, cheaper and probably more hygienic to make these fashion accessories from plastic?” He asks. “Let’s face it, the majority of people wouldn’t be able to tell the difference!” Snorker disagrees, arguing that nothing can match the feel and texture of real skin against your own skin. “True connoisseurs will always be able to tell the difference – no form of man-made substance can possibly match the silky smoothness of real skin,” explains the fashion guru, who believes that skin fashion is about to make the leap from celebrity fad to high street sensation. “All the major designers are planning their own skin collections for the new season. It is even rumoured that Jean-Paul Gautier is planning to have his models parading up and down the Paris catwalks in skimpy underwear made from real skin – all the girls will have penises and hairy male buttocks and the guys vaginas and petite bottoms! It’s all so deliciously satirical!”
However, there is evidence that the skin fashion craze could be on the wane, with rumours that designer Stella MCCartney is planning to debut a new look inspired by her stepmother – amputee chic. “The word is that her models will be hobbling along the catwalks on crutches, with one leg amputated fashionably above the knee,” claims Chitterling. “Designer prosthetic limbs will be the next in thing for celebrities! Apparently they’re planning to give the whole thing street cred by having Angelina Jolie turn up to the launch minus an arm!”