Sinister cult leader Rishi Sunak has announced an extension of his organisation’s brainwashing schemes to try and include any critic of their schemes. A terse dictat issued to followers stated that, in future, the ‘Prevent’ scheme, supposedly intended to safeguard young people from being ‘radicalised’ by alleged terror groups, is to be extended to anyone who ‘runs down Britain’. “The scheme was sinister enough in its original form, effectively telling teachers and youth workers that they had to snitch to the cops on any kids who expressed any opinion contrary to the front page of the Daily Mail, so that they could be ‘re-radicalised’,” notes Colin Moggsley, one of the UK’s leading experts on cults. “Which, in practice, meant being brainwashed into joining the Young Conservatives. Now, they mean to extend this treatment to basically anybody who might criticise the current state of Britain, which by extension, is criticising their policies, deeming them ‘Un British’ and brainwashing them into their definition of ‘Britishness’ – which seems to consist of hating foreigners, women, human rights, ‘lefty lawyers’ and the poor.” Behind the new move, Moggsley, suspects is the cult’s desperate need for new members so as to sustain its grip on power. “That’s the thing, despite a rapidly declining membership, Sunak’s hard right cult still manages to control the Tory party and subsequently the country,” he explains. “They’ve clearly given up on traditional methods of campaigning and are instead resorting to widespread brain washing.”

Implementation of the new policy has, apparently, already started, with some critics of the UK being arrested and subjected to ‘de-radicalisation’ for their ‘un Brtishness’. “I was in the pub last week, having a few pints and moaning about how shit this country has become and how the council’s bloody contractors never empty the bins on time, like you do,” claims forty six year old Farnham pipe fitter’s mate Peter Criggs. “When I stepped outside at closing time, I was grabbed by a bunch of black clad thugs and bundled into the back of a van! I was cuffed and blindfolded and driven around for what felt like hours, before being dragged out and dumped on a concrete floor – that’s when things started getting really scary.” According to Criggs, he found himself incarcerated in a government ‘correction unit’, where officials went about a process of ‘de-radicalising’ him. “They accused me of being ‘un British’, of constantly running the country down,” he says. “They kept trying to get me to confess to things like buying stuff at an Asian corner shop run by illegal immigrants instead of at overpriced British-owned local mini-mart, or having expressed an enthusiasm for foreign films. They even tried to get me to admit to having supported the West Indies at cricket! After a couple of days of that, I was ready to confess to anything!”

Having ‘confessed’ to multiple instances of unpatriotic behaviour and of questioning the historic value of the British Empire, Criggs found himself subjected to the unit’s inhumane ‘reprogramming’ regime. “It was horrendous – at first they strapped me into a chair in front of screen upon which slides of front pages from The Sun with headlines about ‘Loony Left’ councils, the evils of Meghan and Harry, or extolling the virtues of William and Kate were projected,” he recalls. “I could just about take that, but then they escalated it – we moved on to front pages from the Daily Express praising the likes of Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage and William Rees-Mogg, while decrying the Human Rights Act and Courts not being tough enough when sentencing single mothers for shop-lifting.” Now nearing breaking point, Criggs found his captors notching up the treatment, clearly hoping to push him over the edge. “Next up were Daily Mail headlines about illegal immigrants raping disabled pensioners and the like – but this time they forced me to simultaneously listen to recordings of Katie Hopkins and Tommy Robinson pouring out their bigotry,” he sobs. “I really thought that I was going to break – I found myself beginning to think that maybe climate change really was a hoax and that perhaps nurses and doctors were paid too much, but I still resisted – so they went to level ten!” Criggs now found himself strapped to a chair facing banks of TV screens, each one playing shows from GB News and Talk TV at full volume. “It was a living Hell: Neil Oliver, Nadine Dorries, Rees-Mog and every other horrible right-wing crank and grifter in creation being blasted at me simultaneously,” he says. “I became a gibbering wreck, ready to denounce my own Granny as a communist because she once voted Liberal!”

Luckily, Criggs was able to escape the facility, succeeding in faking allegiance to the extremist ideals of the Sunak cult long enough to be allowed outside the ‘reprogramming’ rooms, he succeeded in scaling the perimeter fence and flagged down a passing motorist with a pro EU bumper sticker on his car. He is currently in hiding at a secret location, fearing that he could be rearrested at any moment. Colin Moggsley believes that Criggs had a lucky escape, but fears that many others haven’t, pointing to an apparent upsurge in violent anti-immigration comments on social media. “How else to we explain this and those who are convinced that the UK is being invaded by refugees in rubber boats, let alone all those posters on social media still expressing support for utterly discredited cult figures like Boris Johnson?” he asks. “They can’t all be sock puppet accounts set up by Nadine Dorries – the only credible explanation is that Sunak’s cult is brainwashing more and more people under cover of ‘safeguarding’ measures.” Nevertheless, the academic believes that the efforts of Sunak and his followers will ultimately be in vain, pointing to the rapid falls from grace of other recent British extremist cult leaders. “Let’s not forget how Sunak wrested control from his predecessors,” opines the cult expert. “How Boris Johnson became so drunk on the power of his cult of personality that he believed he was invulnerable.” Johnson, of course, was forced to relinquish control of the cult after his wild sex and alcohol orgies with disciples at the main cult temple became public.

Perhaps the saddest fall from power by a British cult leader in recent years was that of Nigel Farage, whose Brexit cult, with its promises to its followers of a brave new paradise of parochial wealth, whiteness and plenty. “We thought that if we voted for Brexit, then, as The Chosen, we would be whisked skywards into this new world of up lit grasslands and eternal sunshine,” complains former cult member Barrie Donch. “Instead, we found ourselves still in this shit hole, which just became shittier by the day after he got our votes!” With Donch and many, many other disillusioned followers turning their backs on the Brexit cult, Farage is now reduced to challenging bank managers to bare knuckle fights in pub car parks for the price of a pint. Will Rishi Sunak follw suit, in spite of his brainwashing schemes? Only time will tell.