“I can categorically promise that, if elected, a Conservative government would be so tough on immigration, I’d even be prepared to deport myself to Lithuania, birthplace of my grandparents,” Opposition leader Michael Howard recently told the BBC’s Jeremy Paxman during a pre-election TV interview. Adding that he’d also send the Welsh , Scots and Irish packing from England. “English jobs should be for English people, not these Celtic interlopers, sneaking across our borders with no papers or work permits! Blair and Brown would be the first on my list!” Whilst dismissed by many commentators as merely an electioneering gimmick designed to win easy votes, this tough line on immigration has a much more sinister purpose. The Sleaze has learned that anti-immigration policy proposals from both major parties are simply a smokescreen to conceal a sinister conspiracy on the part of Britain’s ruling elite. “It was when Howard started going on about introducing health checks for all immigrants that I suspected something was going on, ” explains Frank Stoat, an investigative journalist working for the Clacton Bugle. “He may have claimed that such measures are necessary to prevent the spread of AIDS and the like, but the truth is that they don’t want anyone coming here with diseased or clapped out organs! They’d be useless for the transplants!”

Prime Minister Blair’s promise to electronically tag asylum seekers whilst their cases are being heard has provided further fuel to Stoat’s theory that the organs of immigrants are being systematically harvested for transplantation into wealthy Britons. “It’s obviously a way of keeping track of those with organs earmarked for top politicians and industrialists! There’s plenty of anecdotal evidence that large numbers of immigrants and asylum seekers from Eastern Europe and the Third World are arriving in Britain perfectly healthy, then being shipped out again as physical wrecks with barely functioning organs,” he explains. “They’re lured here with promises of well-paid jobs, then interred in sinister camps for months on end as soon as they arrive! There’s no doubt in my mind as to what goes on in these ‘centres’ for immigrants – their healthy organs are swapped for the tired and diseased viscera of ailing Brits by teams of surgeons moonlighting from the National Health Service!” Stoat firmly believes that this vast conspiracy encompasses not only both government and opposition politicians, but also the media and supposedly anti-immigration pressure groups. “The whole thing is fuelled by the statistics produced by the likes of ImmigrationWatch, which claim to show billions of pounds worth of benefits being claimed by idle asylum seekers living in luxury in five-star detention centres,” the intrepid reporter explains. “The right wing press then exaggerates it even more, with scare stories about illegal immigrants coming here for free medical treatment on the NHS, or stealing well-paid jobs from Brits! Ultimately, it all serves to give the impression that the UK is a soft touch and that it’s streets are paved with gold! No wonder the poor, unsuspecting, dupes flock here!”

The Sleaze has spoken to several former illegal immigrants, whose stories seem to bear out at least some of Stoat’s extraordinary claims. Impressed by media stories of how illegal immigrants and asylum seekers could look forward to high-paid jobs, free health care and luxury accommodation in the UK, the quickly found themselves enduring a nightmare; many preferred to return to their own countries and face the prospect of detention and torture rather than remain in Britain. “They promised me a high paid executive position, £90,000 a year and a luxury house with swimming pool in Surrey,” says Hanif Hossein, a thirty-five year old Yemeni, who spent four days strapped to the underside of an articulated lorry in order to illegally enter Britain. “Instead I found myself cleaning piss-stained underground station platforms for £3 an hour, and sharing a crappy bedsit with no heating or running water on a South London council estate with fourteen other men! I tell you, it was a bloody relief to be caught by immigration officials and deported!”

However, when he returned to Yemen, Hossein was quickly admitted to hospital with acute renal failure and sclerosis of the liver. “The doctors told me that I had the kidneys of an eighty year old and the liver of a man who drinks two bottles of scotch a day! I told them it was impossible! I’m a Muslim – I’ve never drunk alcohol in my life!” claims Hossein, who is now on dialysis and awaiting a liver transplant. “The trouble is, there seem to be very few suitable donors around here!” Roger Nkomo, a Nairobi bus driver who sought his fortune in the UK told of similar experiences: “Frankly, your country is shit! The only gold your streets run with is urine on a Saturday night when the drunks piss in the gutters! I was promised I could live in luxury on social security benefits without ever having to work – I was paid less than sixty ponds a week, how the hell is anyone supposed to live on that?” Like Hossein, when deported back to Kenya, Nkomo found himself seriously ill. “My chest was wheezing like an accordion and I had lost all control over my bladder and bowels,” he relates. “On top of that, I suddenly found myself unable to walk without sticks! At the age of only twenty eight I have been admitted to the geriatric ward! I was perfectly healthy before I went to England!”

According to Stoat, illicit organ-swapping is a multi-million pound business. “A combination of hospital waiting lists and a shortage of donors in the UK means that the rich and powerful are willing to pay a small fortune for new organs,” he claims. “In the past, shady medical agencies would scour Eastern Europe and the Far East for suitable organ donors, offering them huge sums for their innards – if a deal couldn’t be made, they’d sometimes snatch them instead! However, why go to the trouble of seeking out the donors, when they can come, unwittingly and at no cost, to you?” He firmly believes that many public figures are benefiting from the organ snatching business. “Look at Blair and Howard – you’ve got to admit that they’re both looking suspiciously good for their ages! I’ll bet that after that last heart scare, Blair went right out and got a new healthy Polish heart,” Stoat declares. “I’ve heard that it isn’t just internal organs – they’ll do anything! Next time you see some middle-aged actress or singer with suspiciously perky breasts, just think; there’s probably some twenty year old Romanian girl wandering around Bucharest with sagging boobs!”

However, sources close to government have indicated to The Sleaze have indicated that Stoat might be somewhat wide of the mark with his allegations. “Look, when we say that the NHS couldn’t be run without immigrants, we don’t mean that we recruit most of our medical staff from overseas,” confides our source. “How else do you think we’ve managed to cut waiting lists for transplants? There just aren’t enough organ donors in the UK! Trust me, this scheme isn’t being run for profit, but for the health of the nation! These immigrants are quite literally the lifeblood of Britain!”