“Quite frankly, we decided that this was the easiest way to recover the debt,” Prime Minister David Cameron today told the Commons, as he defended the recent actions of his Chancellor and First Secretary of the Treasury. “Once the Icelandic people had voted against repaying the money their banks owe us, we felt that we had little choice but to send George and Danny round in person to get satisfaction for our own citizens.” The Prime Minister’s statement followed press reports of Chancellor George Osborne and Treasury Secretary Danny Alexander’s daring raid on a Reykjavik bank earlier today. “These two guys just came bursting in waving sawn off shotguns and demanding that we handed over the money,” a still shaking bank teller, who came face-to-face with the raiders told an Icelandic TV station. “They were wearing pinstripe suits like ordinary businessmen, except that they both had ski masks covering their faces. Despite the masks, you could see that the end of the fat one’s nose was shaped like an arse, and there was red hair sticking out from under the other robber’s mask. The one with the nose – who seemed to be in charge – wanted the money put into a red box.”
However, problems ensued when bank staff told the raiders that they couldn’t meet their demands. “They said that they wanted three billion euros, in small bills,” recalls the teller. “Obviously, we don’t carry that kind of cash. The fat robber then got really angry and tore off his mask – revealing that he was that English politician George Osborne – before firing his gun into the ceiling. The other one then got upset with him, calling him an idiot, the fat one shouted back ‘For God’s sake shut up, Danny, you didn’t even have the nerve to bring a loaded gun, you liberal wimp’. After that, they just grabbed what cash we had and ran out of the bank.” Frustrated by the bank’s lack of cash, the robbers proceeded to hold up a nearby newsagent, before stealing an old lady’s hand bag. By now pursued by the Icelandic police, Osborne and Alexander made good their escape, running to the docks and leaping into a waiting rowing boat. “We would have preferred a submarine or a fast jet, but, as the House will understand, we are currently operating under austerity conditions,” Cameron explained to MPs. “Despite a disappointing haul from the bank itself, I’m pleased to announce that George and Danny have recovered a total of thirteen thousand euros, forty cartons of cigarettes, a whole stack of very explicit Scandinavian porn magazines and a very nice leather handbag. Sadly, they weren’t able to get the old biddy’s mobile, which we might have got a few quid for as well.”
News of Osborne and Alexander’s daring raid drew fierce criticism from the opposition benches. “Is this what the coalition government’s economic policy has been reduced to,” demanded Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls, ”daylight robbery? What’s the Chancellor going to do next – finance the NHS by burning down a hospital for the insurance pay out?” The Prime Minister responded angrily, trying to place the blame for his ministers’ criminal activities firmly at the feet of the previous Labour government. “It was the reckless borrowing of the previous administration which has driven this country to a life of crime,” he told the Commons. “We inherited a desperate situation – the first payments were due on the loans my predecessor had taken out to finance his government’s spending spree. If we hadn’t have been able to find the cash, then Nick Clegg was going to get knee-capped. It was as simple as that.”
Mr Balls categorically denied that the last Labour government – in which he had served as a Treasury Minister – had ever used the services of back street loan sharks in order to finance the budget deficit. “Unlike the present government, we didn’t resort to robbing banks,” he retorted. “Rather the opposite, in fact – we found ourselves, and the country, robbed by the Prime Minister’s friends in the banks. If they hadn’t blown our savings on cocaine and hookers, we wouldn’t have had to bail them out.” Dismissing Mr Balls’ claims as ‘outlandish’, the Prime Minister proceeded to taunt the shadow chancellor with allegations that he had no credible alternative to their current economic policy. “Perhaps my Honourable Friends should consider taking out second mortgages on their mansions and putting their wives’ jewellery into hock in order to cover the deficit,” responded Balls. “Either that, or they could claim it on their Parliamentary expenses.”
Whilst the Prime Minister refused to rule out further criminal activities on the part of his ministers, he categorically denied rumours that Home Secretary Theresa May had been seen standing on a street corner in South London, attempting to sell drugs that had been seized from dealers by the Metropolitan police. “Obviously, that’s quite ridiculous,” he said. “Under no circumstances would we countenance authorising any activity which would be illegal in the UK. Overseas, of course, is a different matter. We are looking into the possibility of William Hague taking the contents of West End Central police station’s drugs evidence locker in his diplomatic bag on his next Middle East mission. We’ve heard that sort of stuff can fetch quite good prices in the Casbah.” Further evidence of the government’s controversial policies for raising cash has come to light with recent revelations that equipment worth nearly a million pounds had gone missing from the Ministry of Defence during the last year. The stolen items included several laptops, automatic pistols, a ship’s anchor and an aircraft fuselage. Police have subsequently reported that the anchor and laptops had been auctioned on ebay, whilst the firearms, aircraft fuselage and two frigates supposedly sold for scrap, had turned up in a pawn shop in East London.
“I can assure the House that I still have the pawn tickets and that as soon as economic conditions permit, we will be redeeming the items in question,” Defence Secretary Liam Fox assured angry MPs in the wake of the revelations. “Obviously, we won’t be able to recover the items sold at auction – except the anchor which didn’t meet our reserve – but these were obsolete items of no importance to our national defence.” He dismissed opposition fears – fuelled by newspaper reports that Osama bin Laden had been seen on CCTV looking in the window of the pawn brokers – that al Qeada could buy the goods before the government could raise sufficient funds to redeem them. “It’s a risk worth taking in view of the amount of cash we got for this stuff,” he declared. “Besides, so what if bin Laden does get his hands on it? It’s British military equipment for God’s sake – the chances of any of it actually working are minimal.”