Welcome to our semi-regular feature – Ask the Rev – where leading paranormal expert and ordained priest (in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist) Reverend Leonard Fanny addresses our readers’ supernatural personal problems. This time the Rev’s expertise is required in a case of a ‘Double Dealing Devil’.
Dear Reverend,
I was in two minds as whether to contact a solicitor or yourself over this matter – as it concerns a pact with the Devil, I thought perhaps that it might fall under contract law. But my usual legal advisors are refusing to touch it with a bargepole, claiming that it is most definitely a spiritual matter. To cut a long story short, some years ago I entered into a contract with the Devil whereby I would exchange my immortal soul for a level of success that might seem improbable for someone like me. The problem now is that the bastard seems to be reneging on the deal – my, frankly staggeringly improbable, popularity is waning, with former friends and supporters turning their backs on me. Their jokes about my competence, appearance and performance are now being made openly. The media are mocking me and everything I try to do now turns to shit before my eyes – everyone can suddenly see my fumbling and bungling for what it is, rather than sycophantically praising it as being ‘brilliant’, ‘genius’ or a ‘political master stroke’. My foes are emboldened to challenge me in public, no longer fearing a popular backlash. Worse still, all those mistakes, hypocrisy, contemptuous behaviours, sex scandals, dodgy deals, racist statements and the like that I thought had been safely buried have now re-emerged to haunt me. Damn it, I used to be untouchable, nothing could hurt me. I could do what I liked without fear of consequence.
Worst of all, I seem to have lost my touch with women. For years my deal with the Devil meant that I was, to put it mildly, a ‘fanny magnet’ – I was having to beat them off with a stick. They just flocked to me! I barely had to touch a woman to get her pregnant! Which was pretty damned amazing bearing in mind that my lack of physical condition meant that I was lucky to get to half mast and even then I’d run out of breath long before the vinegar stroke, ending up a wheezing heap, gasping for breath and clutching my chest. At least, that’s the way it was before I made the pact – afterward I was a veritable sex machine with unlimited stamina, able to satisfy any woman beyond her wildest dreams. I imagined myself as an Adonis, as that is clearly what women saw when they beheld me. Yet now, when I look in the mirror, I just see the unkempt, unfit, grossly overweight and utterly unprepossessing slob that now appears to be repelling women. It has all happened so quickly and is just so unfair. I really don’t understand why the Devil is reneging on our deal. OK, so I know that I had no intention of honouring it myself – as far as I was concerned it was a ‘cake and eat it’ situation, so I made sure that my lawyers inserted all sorts of clauses to compromise the deal and make it possible to break it under certain circumstances. Moreover, on the advice of my chum Jake, I made out sure that my soul was already registered as an offshore asset of a Belize holding company owned by a British Virgin Islands hedge fund. So, technically, it was never mine to sell in the first place and can’t be traced back to me, anyway. But that’s all just par for the course in business, isn’t it? It’s not my fault he didn’t have the sense to do the same, so his failure to keep to the terms of the deal is simply dishonourable. But, as my lawyers are reluctant to get involved, what spiritual recourse do I have? Can I do a deal with your boss, who surely must outrank the Devil? Could I sign my soul over to Him, (on a lease hold basis only)?
Worried of Westminster
The Rev Replies: Well, where do I begin? My ‘boss’, as you put it, most definitely does ‘outrank’ the Devil. Indeed, one might argue that he is, in fact, the Devil’s employer, as his role is to test the spiritual resolve of sinners like yourself, to see if he can tempt them into his diabolical schemes. Consequently, The Almighty is highly unlikely to be willing to dissolve a legal agreement which he, in effect, has approved. The only way out is through true repentance of one’s sins and throwing oneself upon the mercy of God. Even then, you would be likely, at the very least, to have to spend considerable time doing penance in limbo. In your case, however, I suspect that the level of sinning, not to mention your attempt at double dealing the Devil in a legally binding agreement, would mean having to do at least a few centuries in purgatory before limbo could even be considered.
But I fear that it isn’t spiritual salvation for your immortal soul that you seek, but rather some form of worldly recompense whereby you can return to your hedonistic ways in the here and now, yet still retain your soul by trickery. In this respect, I’m afraid that I cannot help you. Indeed, as a man of the cloth I most certainly couldn’t do anything to help you return to your life of sex, sin and general wickedness. All I can do is advise that diabolical pacts are not the only way to sate these urges – you could, instead, embrace the love of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist and partake of some of our naked prayer sessions or worship at the altar of the Naked Mary, drinking from her sacred hairy cup. To be absolutely frank, I doubt your narrative, suspecting it to be false, designed to try and create grounds for breaking your agreement by implying that it is the Devil who has reneged upon it. In truth, I strongly suspect that your own incompetence, avarice and base appetites are on such a scale that even Satan himself has insufficient power to keep them hidden for more than a short period.
The Rev will be back soon to give more advice on your paranormal problems. So, if your sex life is a hump in the night or you find yourself nocturnally plagued by the attentions of a spectral groper, drop us a line.
(The Rev is also available for weddings, christenings and exorcisms, the latter only on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons).
