For forty-eight hours last month the citizens of Welwyn Garden City found themselves at the mercy of a Palaeolithic pervert as a prehistoric ape-man went on a bizarre sex-fuelled rampage. The alarm was raised late on a Tuesday afternoon by Miss Mary Clapper, a fifty-two year old spinster, who was accosted by a hideous hairy figure in one of the sleepy commuter town’s public parks. “As I walked through the park I kept thinking that I could see something out of the corner of my eye – a vague shape in the shrubbery, apparently shadowing me,” she claims. “Suddenly this disgusting creature leapt out of the bushes in front of me, waving its repulsive purple-headed genitalia at me! It was truly hideous, although man-like it was covered in matted black hair. It roared at me, apparently in sexual ecstasy, as it shook its huge hairy saddlebags at me! Finally, it turned around and exposed its furry arse to me!” Naturally, Clapper ran screaming from the park and into the nearest police station. Understandably, the police were at first reluctant to believe her story, labelling her “an hysterical sexually repressed old biddy who needed a good seeing to”, and tried to have her sectioned under the Mental Health Act. However, within a few hours they found themselves inundated with reports of the furry flasher’s exploits.

Twenty-three year old school teacher Mandy Nork later described her terrifying encounter to the press: “I’d just come home from work and was taking a shower, when I felt I was being watched, although I was alone in my flat. Suddenly I heard these grunting and gasping noises and turned around to see this horrible ape-like beast with glowing red eyes peering through my open bathroom window, masturbating himself as I showered! It was incredible, I was ten floors up, he must have scaled the side of the building like King Kong! Naturally, I screamed and he lost his grip and fell off of the window sill into the dump-bins below. Amazingly, he seemed unhurt and I watched from the window as he climbed out and loped away!” Soon, Welwyn Garden City found itself in a grip of terror as the primeaval peeping tom continued his rampage. “It seemed that no depravity was too low for this twisted fiend to indulge in,” says Chief Inspector Tony Tallow of Hertfordshire Constabulary. “Women’s underwear was ripped from washing lines and sniffed and we had to advise people to keep their pets in after dark – at least five dogs and three cats were found buggered to death, whilst a local farmer found two of his prize bulls shagged to near exhaustion.”

The initial police theory that these outrages were being perpetrated by a an escaped great ape were soon dispelled. Two young women reported that the hirsute hominid had leapt onto the bonnet of their car as they were stopped at traffic lights and had ejaculated on their windscreen, before forcing open the passenger door and roughly groping their breasts. “The bruising left on their breasts revealed that their assailant had abnormally large hands,” revealed a police forensic expert. “However, they also showed that, unlike an ape, he had opposable thumbs!” After nearly two days of terror, the authorities devised a daring plan. Confident that the ape-man would be unable to resist the lure of widescreen smut, a non-stop programme of hard-core porn films began showing at a local cinema, whilst police marksmen, armed with tranquilliser dart guns lay in wait. “Sure enough, he soon turned up,” recalls Chief Inspector Tallow. “We waited until he’d settled himself down and was busy playing with himself in the fifth row as he watched The Devil in Miss Jones, before we threw a net over him and hit him with the tranquillisers!”

With the monster safely in captivity at a local zoo, the authorities were amazed when scientists from a local university informed them that their studies had revealed that far from being an animal their captive was, in fact, a type of primitive prehistoric man – the Pornopithicus – believed to have been extinct for tens of thousands of years. “At first we thought he might have thawed out of a glacier, or be a troglodyte forced out of his secret subterranean lair by new building work,” says Tallow. “But before we could establish his origin, the zoo was surrounded by armed troops and a group of sinister-looking government scientists whisked the caveman away in a helicopter!” It soon transpired that the Pornopithicus was the result of a bizarre government cloning experiment. “DNA from sperm cells found on a piece of mammoth fur discovered in a remote Cheshire cave was used to fertilise a human egg cell, with the resulting embryo being grown in an artificial womb,” reveals Dr Ed Quimsey, director of the secret project. “What we didn’t realise at the time was that the fur was in fact a prehistoric wank sock, used by the caveman to wipe his cock off after marathon sessions masturbating over the pornographic cave paintings adorning the cavern’s walls. Unfortunately, we succeeded in resurrecting an antediluvian sex pervert!”

Professor Simon Smutt, writer and presenter of famed cable TV series A Pornographic History of Britain and advisor to the BBC’s forthcoming exploration of primeval sexual behaviour, Wanking With Cavemen, believes that the cave paintings themselves should have tipped the geneticists off as to the identity of their ancient sperm donor. “They are some of the finest, and earliest, examples of Stone Age smut ever discovered,” he enthuses. “They show, in graphic detail, scenes of both male and female Pornopithici engaging in a variety of sexual positions and techniques, including threesomes and girl on girl hot lesbian action. Some indicate an advanced knowledge of eroticism, appearing to show some of the Kama Sutra‘s most extreme positions, including ‘The Moving Wheel’, ‘The Position of the Great Aperture’, and the highly dangerous ‘Moving Windmill’.

Other pictures show a knowledge of more specialised techniques such as the ‘golden shower’ and ‘facial’. In some the participants are dressed as animals – the men often depicted as wearing antlers – whilst others show actual bestiality with giant elks, bison and the like – surviving sex with a cave bear may have been a rite of passage into manhood for young male Pornopithici..” According to Smutt, the Pornopithici were famed for their sexual tools carved from mammoth tusks, including dildos and penis extensions. “There is evidence that the revived caveman was, in fact, the tribal pornographer, charging others to view his paintings – a stash of wolves teeth, thought to have been used as currency, were found buried near the cave entrance,” says Smutt. The Pornopithici is currently being held in a secret secure lab somewhere in southern England, and is being kept pacified with a subscription to the Adult Channel on Sky TV