An incredible showbiz feud has erupted between Brit Pop stars Robbie Williams and Liam Gallagher over their Christmas decorations. According to mutual friends of the two megastars, the dispute started when Robbie mounted an illuminated life-size tableau of the birth of Christ – featuring wax replicas of his former Take That band-mates (except Gary Barlow) as the three wise men and former girlfriend ex-Ginger Spice Geri Halliwell as the Virgin Mary – on the roof of his new Camden house. “I just wanted to give something back – a tasteful entertainment for the public which also symbolised that I wanted to build bridges with some of my former friends,” the one time boy band star claimed. However, his bitter rival Liam Gallagher, who happens to live opposite, was enraged by the display, claiming that the illuminations and accompanying Christmas carols being blasted out on loudspeakers from Robbie’s house, were keeping him awake at night. The Oasis frontman’s response was to erect a giant mechanical Santa Claus on his roof. At regular intervals the gigantic Saint Nick would drop his trousers to reveal his huge arse whilst Oasis’ cover of Slade’s classic “Merry Christmas Everyone” blasted out from between his parted cheeks. “I made out sure his backside – which was modelled on my own – was level with Robbie’s bedroom window,” cackles Gallagher. “So the first thing the fat bastard sees every morning when he opens his curtains is my hairy and pock-marked arse! Still, its probably not the first bloke’s arse he’s seen up close!”
Soon crowds were flocking to the normally quiet suburban street to witness these incredible sights. “It got to the stage that they were running open-topped tourist buses down the street,” confides singer David Grey, a neighbour. “There was no doubt, though, that most people wanted to see Liam’s mooning Santa – Robbie got pretty jealous!” In an attempt to regain the initiative, Williams had a massive Christmas tree put up in his front garden. “It was amazing,” says local resident and Pulp singer Jarvis Cocker. “Instead of regular Christmas decorations, it was festooned with illuminated miniature penises, clitorises and breasts! It was topped not with a star, but with an illuminated flashing neon reproduction of Robbie’s cock and balls, which ejaculated imitation snow! It was typically Robbie – designed to shock, but in a cheeky sort of way that even old Grannies would secretly find amusing!”
With the crowds now flocking to Robbie’s phallic seasonal display, Gallagher’s reply was swift – he quickly modified his giant Santa so that it now spewed Christmas gifts from its arse every time a crowd gathered below it. “With a cry of ‘Ho, ho, ho!’ the trousers would come down and, accompanied by a huge farting noise, loads of gift wrapped dildos, vibrators, porn magazines, six packs of beer and packets of fags would come flying out,” recalls Travis singer Fran Healy. “The kiddies loved it!” Having regained the initiative, Gallagher now decided to up the ante, and installed a set of exterior Christmas lights depicting Robbie performing various homosexual acts with his best friend and ‘housemate’ Jonathan Wilkes. “The animation and level of detail was incredible,” says neighbour Damon Albarn of Blur. “It was notable that Robbie’s cock was depicted as being much smaller than it was on Robbie’s tree!”
A clearly upset Robbie responded with a life size ice sculpture showing him having sex with Liam’s wife, former All Saint Nicole Appleton. Unfortunately, this proved too much for Gallagher, who proceeded to storm across the street, huge chopper in hand, and cut down Robbie’s tree – the neon penis shattering as it crashed to earth. “There’s no doubt that it was a symbolic castration,” claimed Radiohead’s Thom Yorke. “Liam was asserting his masculinity and impugning Robbie’s manhood!” As if to underline his point, Gallagher then pulled his own penis – which was bizarrely festooned with tinsel and had several Christmas balls hanging from it – out of his trousers and waved it at Robbie. Williams’ response was surprising. Grinning wildly, the clown prince of pop pulled open his flies to reveal his own knob – illuminated from top to bottom in several colours! “Somehow he’d had internal lighting installed, both his cock and balls were flashing red and green light – the end of his knob was glowing red! It was incredible,” opined former Oasis guitarist ‘Bonehead’. “It certainly stole Liam’s thunder!” An enraged Gallagher responded swiftly and simply by ramming the fallen tree up Robbie’s arse – the sudden jolt appeared to short something in Robbie’s illuminated cock, as huge blue sparks cracked across his testicles and his pubic hair caught fire. “That’s better – now its got a frigging fairy on top,” Liam sneered as he walked back to his own house, leaving a groaning Robbie smouldering in the street. After spending several hours in casualty, being treated for burns and having pine needles removed from his arse, Robbie retreated to his home in Los Angeles. His Manchester house is currently up for sale.
According to showbiz experts, this extraordinary celebrity feud is not without precedent. “It recalls the legendary feud between funnymen Lou Costello and Groucho Marx over the former’s Christmas decorations in the late 1950s,” recalls retired Hollywood gossip columnist Harry Chaunter. “Every year Lou would put up an incredible display of lights and stuff outside his Beverley Hills mansion. On Christmas Eve he’d have tons of real snow from Denver dumped in the street, dress as Santa Claus and ride up and down the road in a reindeer drawn sleigh, dispensing presents to all his neighbours!” His neighbour Groucho Marx made the mistake of complaining about this display, suggesting that Costello might like to tone it down. Costello was furious, but bided his time before taking revenge. “He waited until Hanukkah the following year, then mounted a huge flashing neon swastika on his roof,” says Chaunter. “It was a variation of the tactics he’d used to drive out Harry Belafonte a couple of years earlier, when he’d also complained. That time Lou had sung ‘I’m Dreaming of a White Supremacist Christmas’ over a loudspeaker as the local Klan came round and erected a flaming cross in Harry’s front garden.”
However, Groucho wasn’t so easily intimidated. On Christmas Eve Costello awoke to find that Marx had erected his own Christmas decorations – several life-sized crucified Father Christmases. “That’s when it got out of hand,” believes Chaunter. “Lou got on the phone to his mobster brother Frank, who sent his boys in to machine-gun Groucho’s decorations. Groucho replied by calling his pal Mickey Cohen, who sent Johnny Stompanato round to kneecap Lou’s reindeer – he also circumcised Lou’s comedy partner Bud Abbott into the bargain!” Tragedy inevitably followed. “Lou was so upset over the reindeer he suffered a fatal heart attack,” recalls Chaunter. “Groucho was celebrating until New Year.”