With the number of Tory MPs either suspended or under investigation for sexual impropriety at record levels, bizarre claims have emerged that their misconduct was actually all a part of the government’s wider anti-immigration policies. The claims emerged after an opposition MP, investigating the row from a neighbouring office, stumbled across a Tory colleague, caught in the act of molesting a woman in his parliamentary office. “The racket was appalling – screaming and a terrible thumping sound against the adjoining wall. When I threw open the door of his office to see what was going on, there was the bastard violently taking a shrieking woman bent over his desk from behind – the office was so small that with each thrust her head was banging against the wall,” claims backbench Labour MP Fred Finckler, describing the sight that greeted him when he burst into the office of Tory backbencher James Mallowfat. “I mean, I suppose that I shouldn’t have been surprised – all sorts of stuff seems to go on in the parliamentary offices occupied by Tory MPs these days – but the really shocking thing was his explanation. It really was quite extraordinary – he stood there, trousers around his ankles, still groping her arse, and told me not to worry, it was all a part of current government immigration policy!” According to Finckler, Marrowfat claimed that Tory MPs were being encouraged to impregnate as many women as possible, in order to ‘out breed’ the ‘foreign hordes invading the UK in their rubber boats’.

Incredibly, far from denying the allegations, a senior Tory grandee has admitted that they do, in fact, represent the government’s last ditch attempt to combat immigration to the UK. “Look, everybody knows that all this current rhetoric from Rishi Sunak about ‘stopping the boats’, not to mention Suella Braverman’s threats to send asylum seekers to Rwanda, are just utter bollocks,” admits Conservative Party Deputy Chairman Horace Wardle-Shippington. “There’ no way that any of it is feasible, let alone legal, it’s all just so much guff for the hardcore party membership who are terrified that the country is turning black, or at least light brown. The more darker skinned people they see on the streets, the more convinced they become that immigration is running out of control and that white British people are in danger of becoming a minority! So, in the long run, the only solution is to boost the white population by making out sure that we produce more bouncing white babies than they can brown ones!” With the general feeling in the party that Britain’s working classes were too indolent to get on and boost the ‘white wave’ of babies, Conservative Central Office decided that it was up to Tory MPs themselves to do the job. “I really don’t know what’s wrong with the lower classes – their birth rates have been falling for decades. You’d think that with all the time they have on their hands as a result of being on strike all the time, they’d be at it like rabbits,” muses Wardle-Shippington. “Personally, I blame the welfare state – the easy availability of benefits and pensions means that they don’t have to produce those extended families to support them in old age, like they used to in the good old days.”

Wardle-Shippington is particularly proud of the fact that the parliamentary party’s most senior members have been leading from the front in the breeding drive. “Just look at the number of children that Jacob Rees-Mogg has produced – I’m amazed that he’s ever had time to serve as a minister he’s been so busy at it,” he enthuses. “But even he’s been outdone by Boris Johnson, who has lost count of the number of kiddies he’s sired – the man’s a true blue sex machine. Despite being a repugnant, morally corrupt, fat bastard. It just goes to show that money and power can always trump nonsense like personality, looks or intelligence when it comes to the shagging game!” The Tory Deputy Chairman is keen to emphasise that the ‘out breeding’ programme really was a measure of last resort for the government with regard to immigration. “We’ve previously tried, without success, extreme measures,” he points out. “Let’s not forget the whole ‘hostile environment’ thing whereby we tried to convince would be immigrants that we’re all a bunch of horrible racist bastards who’ll murder them all in their beds, then extended it to making the UK even more hostile by trashing the economy, running down public services and leaving the EU. The idea was to make the UK the shittiest, most intolerable place on earth to live in – but still the bastards kept getting in their bloody boats and coming here!”

Yet, the ‘out breeding’ programme still wasn’t their first choice of a strategy for ‘whitening’ the UK’s population. “We did look into the idea of trying to persuade our darker skinned residents to to ‘lighten up’, so to speak. That way, the number of new non-whites arriving here wouldn’t have seemed so alarming as we’d already appear to out number them,” reveals Wardle-Shippington. “There was a serious suggestion that we should try offering skin lightening on the NHS, the problem being that there’s no reliable way of actually doing it – bleaching them was considered too dangerous and complete skin transplants impracticable. Moreover, turning people white with fright, it turned out, only happens in racist old films and cartoons – so we had to give up on the back-up plan of scaring them shitless by turning up on their door steps dressed as the Ku Klux Klan.”

Wardle-Shippington’s revelations have been met with incredulity by the opposition, who have variously described them as ‘insensitive’, ‘racist’ and ‘utterly demented’. In particular, concern has been expressed at the fact that the idea of ‘lightening the complexion’ of the UK’s population is particularly offensive in view of the fact that several current senior government ministers, including both the Prime Minister and Home Secretary, are British Asians and others, such as former Chancellor Kwasi Kwartang and current Business Secretary Kemi Badenoch are black British. “But that’s part of the problem – our core members, the blue rinse knee jerk reactionaries, see that as a sign that immigration has already gone too far – they need reassurance,” opines Wardle-Shippington. “Which is why they need to see the likes of Sunak and Braverman embracing such extreme policies on immigration – they need to feel assured that even though they aren’t like us on the outside, inside they are complete right wing reactionary bastards prepared to be as racist as any white supremacist!”