Is Donald Trump the son of Satan, or just an obnoxious wealthy demagogue out to buy the US Presidency? This is the question perplexing political commentators following the Reverend Montague Chilbain’s astounding allegations. “According to my information Donald Trump was not born of woman!” the head of the Church of the Blessed Carpenter, which boasts congregations all over Iowa, Wisconsin and Nebraska declared in a recent web sermon on Google Hangouts. “He was born of a jackal and his father was Satan – he’s here to establish his father’s kingdom here in the USA!” Consequently, the current front runner for the Republican Presidential nomination, is facing calls to produce his birth certificate so that it can be subjected to public scrutiny. The billionaire buffoon, who has previously demanded to see rival Ted Cruz’s birth certificate to confirm his status as being US born and who was prominent in the ‘birther’ movement which sought to ‘prove’ that President Obama’s birth certificate showed that he had been born in Kenya, now finds himself accused of not being a human being.
Although dismissed in many quarters as the demented ramblings of a religious fanatic, Chilblain’s claims have received the full backing of popular US tabloid the Weekly World Shopper, (available in supermarkets and gas stations across the mid-west), which has continued to pursue the allegations. “It’s remarkable that despite being so keen for other people to produce their birth certificates, Trump still hasn’t produced his – as we’ve called him to do several times in our front page headlines,” explains the Shopper‘s publisher and editor, Deke Spiggot. “Of course, if he won’t show us the paperwork, then we’re planning to try and get his mother exhumed – I’m confident that we’ll find the bones of a jackal in her grave.” So far, Spiggot’s attempts to obtain an exhumation order have been rebuffed, despite a high profile campaign in his newspaper, featuring various dead celebrities, allegedly contacted by a medium, urging the authorities to open the grave. “Damn it, we’ve spoken to Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, President Kennedy and Groucho Marx, and not one of them has ever met Mrs Trump in the hereafter,” comments the newspaperman. “Which is hardly surprising, as they don’t allow dogs, let alone jackals, into heaven!”
The Reverend Chilbain, whose ministry celebrates Jesus’ work as a carpenter, believing that his true will is manifested through the reasonably priced wooden furniture sold through Chilbain’s chain of hardware stores, has used the pages of the Weekly World Shopper to expand upon his theories of Trump’s Satanic plans. “He talks of wanting to erect walls around our great nation’s borders, ostensibly to keep immigrants out,” he wrote in a recent edition. “But the truth is, they will be to keep people in – to stop people from escaping the literal Hell on earth he will establish here if he becomes President.” Chilblain believes that Trump’s stoking of anti-immigrant feeling and slurs against the mentally ill, racial minorities and women, are simply a foretaste of his intent to plunge the US into a cauldron of hate. “All compassion and morality will be abandoned, lawlessness will descend upon the land as he and his minions are allowed to carry out the most reprehensible acts with total impunity,” the preacher argued. “He’s already signalled intent, stating that he has succeeded in becoming so popular and powerful that he could shoot a man in public and get away with it!” The establishment of the Kingdom of Satan in the United States would, Chilbain contends, presage the total triumph of evil.
Responding to accusations that he is simply crazy, Chilblain has pointed out that no less a personage than Pope Francis has recently called in question Trump’s claims to be a Christian. Indeed, the pastor claims that the Vatican already has well-advanced plans for a Holy response to a Trump presidency. “My contacts in the Vatican have told me that, within hours of any Trump victory, they will have helicopters full of highly trained exorcists in the air over the US,” he told readers of the Shopper. “They’ll be deployed anywhere there are reported outbreaks of evil, spraying the affected areas with Holy water before descending on ropes armed with bibles and crucifixes and engaging in hand-to-hand combat with the possessed.” There are even contingency plans to deal with Trump himself, involving a troop of commando-trained monks, armed with ancient knives said to have been used by the disciples at the Last Supper and to have been blessed by Christ himself. “They have orders to penetrate the White House and attempt to assassinate Trump,” Chilbain wrote. “A single blow from one of the knives should be enough to send the devil trump back to Hell!” Chilbain has denied that his claims are, in any way, the result of having recently watched the original Omen film trilogy.
For their part, Trump’s supporters have dismissed the allegations that their candidate is the devil incarnate as part of a cynical campaign designed to boost the circulation of the Weekly World Shopper – probably bankrolled by the liberal media and leading Democrats. They are especially dismissive of the recent Papal intervention. “Damn it, who is Pope Francis to question Donald Trump’s Christian faith?” asks conservative internet talk radio host Stan Brick. “Just because he’s the head of the world’s largest Christian ministry and is supposedly God’s representative on Earth doesn’t mean that he’s the final arbiter on what constitutes Christian belief.” It is Brick’s contention that much of conservative America has a very different interpretation of Christianity to that espoused by the Vatican and other traditional churches. “We’ve never bought that ‘hippy Jesus’ crap, with him consorting with prostitutes, preaching forgiveness and universal love – that’s clearly propaganda put out by the Jews and Muslims to discredit and weaken our faith,” he opines. “We know that the true Christian message is of smiting your enemies, embracing the moral righteousness of conservative values or face burning in Hell for all eternity. It’s about recognising the true divinely prescribed social order where only the truly pure and righteous will rise to the top and embrace material wealth. That’s what we want and it’s what our saviour Trump stands for!” Finally, even many liberal opponents of Trump have cast doubt on Chilblain’s allegations. “Heck, if he really does have Satanic powers, you’d have thought he would at least have given himself a decent head of hair,” muses Democratic Senator Chuck Chigwell. “Because, let’s face it, the only truly diabolical thing about him is that damned comb over!”
