The first shots in the so-called ‘sausage war’ between the UK and EU – triggered by the EU refusing to allow the sale of British bangers in Northern Ireland, in response to the UK government’s bad faith over the exit agreement – appear to have been fired, after former UKIP and Brexit Party leader Nigel Farage found himself attacked by a mob waving British sausages. “He’s a bloody traitor!” declared sixty two year old Rod Fartington, who led the mob. “There he was, sitting at a stand selling German sausages, noshing on a huge Bratwurst!” The right-wing politician who, according to his own publicity, played a key role in the UK voting to leave the EU was spotted by Fartington wearing a false moustache and eating the German sausage in New Malden. “There he was, tucking in, as if he had never campaigned against these bloody foreigners and their Euro sausages! That fake ‘tache was never going to fool anyone, let alone the fake German passport he had, claiming that he was Herr Norbert Fragnage, a company executive from Dusseldorf!” the semi-retired roofer told the Daily Norks, going on to describe how he used his phone to summon a flash mob, via social media, to strike a blow against the perfidious politician. “There were at least a hundred of us, all carrying British bangers – some cooked, some raw, some still in the frying pan, which we pelted the bastard with!”

Fartington and his fellow flash mobbers felt particularly aggrieved by the Brexiteer’s sausage eating antics as, only the day before, he had posted a video online, in which he is seen approaching a stall selling German sausages shouting “Nooooo! British bangers only for British people! We didn’t fight a war just for you lot to come over here, thrusting your huge sausages at us!” After berating the stall’s staff – all of whom were British – for several minutes, he attempts, unsuccessfully, to overturn it, before being driven off with a huge frying pan. “What a bloody hypocrite, eh?” scoffs Fartington. “With duplicitous leadership like that, is it any wonder that the EU seem to think that they can walk all over us!” The Daily Norks’ Deputy Food Critic, Doreen Cheeklift, has urged caution with regard to flinging such accusations at Farage, pointing out that his spokesperson has point blank denied that it was Farage at the stall in New Malden, claiming that it really was a visiting German businessman with a remarkable resemblance to the anti-European campaigner. “As for that video of Farage having a go at those German sausage sellers, we still have no idea whether that actually represents a sincere statement of political policy or some kind of breakdown,” she muses. “I mean, it is all that he seems to do now: wander around with a film crew in tow shouting at people. I suppose that it is a way for him to fill his time now that he doesn’t have a political movement or even a talk radio show to occupy him any more.”

Fartington and his followers, nonetheless, remain sceptical as to Farage’s true commitment to the anti-EU cause. “We all know that two of his kids have German passports, so he could just as easily have one himself, using a Germanised version of his name,” he ponders, pointing out the supposed German businessman hasn’t filed any kind of complaint with the police. “Besides, we all know that he likes those continental birds – married to a German and allegedly knocking off some French far-right waitress! I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole Brexit thing wasn’t just some ploy by him to break into mainstream politics and get an OBE or a peerage, the careerist little shit! But those Tory nutters like Boris Johnson and Gove hijacked it all and reaped the rewards!” Regardless of Farage’s alleged involvement, the ‘sausage war’ does seem to be escalating, with a supermarket employee in Ruislip recently having to be taken to hospital after being strangled with a length of Cumberland sausage. “She was just part of an in-store promotion for German sausages, offering sample slices to passing customers for them to taste,” an eyewitness told the local newspaper. “Next thing, this nutter in a Union Jack t-shirt and shaved head came up behind her and tried to use this horrible long mouldy-looking sausage as some kind of garotte. Of course, it came apart before it could cause any real damage, but the poor girl still needed to be treated for shock!” In another incident, a lorry load of French garlic sausages was stopped by masked men outside Maidenhead and burned. “You could smell the pungent aroma five miles away,” observed one witness.

Despite incidents of this sort being reported across the UK, some politicians have dismissed the ‘sausage war’ as being simply a political stunt which trivialises the real problems underlying the government’s Brexit agreements. “The whole thing has been contrived by Johnson and his cronies in order to whip up anti-EU sentiment,” opines Labour back bencher Frank Stinkler. “The whole situation is of the government’s making thanks to their incompetence in the drafting of the withdrawal agreement. But they seem determined to try and use to their advantage by playing to the peanut gallery: I’ve heard that Johnson is planning a staged photo opportunity next week, whereby he’ll be pictured with a string of British bangers around his neck, kneeing a German sausage seller in the Bratwurst while giving a double thumbs up to the cameras. The fat oaf hopes to have it all over the Tory tabloid front pages the next morning in order to rally some more cod patriotic fervour.”

Others, however, are taking the situation very seriously. “Look, the sausage has always been used by the Germans as a symbol of aggression and intimidation,” explained note TV historian Dr David Starkers on GBNews. “So these things have to be challenged and their presence in UK territory curbed, before it all gets out of hand.” He points to World War One as the last time that the German sausage was allowed to make dangerous incursions into British airspace. “What were the Zeppelins that bombed London but another expression of German sausage supremacy writ large in the night skies?” he asks. “You see, they are obsessed with the things – they are symbolic of their superiority. Just look at how muck longer and thicker they are than the humble British banger. Their presence on our streets and in our supermarket is clearly designed to make us feel inferior! More than that, their sub-text is obvious – they are clearly penis substitutes mocking British manhood!” Starkers’ observations have been met with incredulity, with most commentators suggesting he seeks psychiatric treatment.