Was the recent collapse in South Africa of pseudo-celebrity and rent-a-gob Katie Hopkins part of an underground campaign to silence the spewings forth of reactionary bile by such self-styled ‘controvertialists’? “It was when she tried to claim that it was all down to her taking Ketamine as a pain killer for some unspecified injury that I first became suspicious,” explains investigative journalist Tommy Fracker, who claims to have uncovered an international conspiracy. “I mean, really, what kind of doctor would prescribe a veterinary tranquiliser as a pain killer? Everyone knows that stuff is used to tranquilise horses and isn’t for human use. Either she was being treated by a vet, or it was all some kind of cover up!” Initially, Fracker suspected that the South African authorities were behind the apparent ‘knobbling’ of Hopkins with horse tranquiliser. “It seemed obvious – she was planning to spout off about how oppressed all those wealthy white South Africans are now that there’s some form of democracy there,” he says. “Obviously, they wouldn’t want all that apartheid shit stirred up again, so sedating her before kicking her out of the country seemed like the logical thing for the government to do!” However, doubts quickly set in after Fracker spoke to witnesses of Hopkins’ collapse. “Some of them spoke of seeing someone with a blow pipe leaving the scene,” he reveals. “They also described Hopkins as suddenly slapping at her neck, as if she had been hit by something, possibly a dart, before she collapsed. It struck me that a government operation to silence her wouldn’t be using blow pipes and poison darts.”
Initially suspecting the attack to be work of a lone militant liberal, Fracker sought out the blowpipe armed individual seen at the scene. “Working on the description given by witnesses and using my contacts with the South African police, I was able to find CCTV footage of them at Cape Town airport, boarding a flight to London – clearly, they weren’t a local,” he says. “It also implied that they were part of a larger, international outfit and that more extremists were likely to be targeted.” His suspicions seemed confirmed when former UKIP leader Nigel Farage was suddenly ‘taken ill’ during a speech in Harwich, slurring his words before descending into gibberish and collapsing. “There were those in the left wing press who suggested, uncharitably, that his behaviour might have had something to do with it,” the reporter says. “As it turned out, they were almost right.” Fracker found himself contacted by an anonymous individual claiming responsibility both for the sedating of Hopkins and the collapse of Farage. “Apparently, they spiked Farage’s drink in the pub before he gave his speech,” he reveals. “In the case of Hopkins, they said that they had actually hit her with horse tranquiliser by mistake – they had intended to use horse laxative, saying that the thought of gallons of steaming liquid shit pouring out of her arse instead of her mouth for once, would possibly have been even more satisfying than the idea of her being incapacitated for days by a powerful tranquiliser.”
According to Fracker, the spokesperson claimed that the organisation behind the attacks was a secret anti-hate movement, dedicated to the peaceful silencing of hate speech. “They alleged that the world was entering a new age where the extreme right had been emboldened by the successes of political populist movements like Brexit and Trump to believe that they could once again promulgate their messages of hate with impunity,” he told The Sleaze. “They reckoned that by sedating or otherwise immobilising anyone trying to publicly express extremist views, they could discourage and eventually shut down the new right. Frankly, it all sounds like censorship to me. I mean who do these snowflake bastards think they are, trying to stop neo fascists from exercising their right to free speech, just because it offends them?” Various other public figures have echoed Fracker’s opinion, decrying the secret organisation’s attempts to silence opposing political viewpoints.
Others have moved to defend them. “All this stuff about ‘free speech’ is just bollocks,” opines Professor Jerry Mire, author of Buggering the Bigots: Fighting Back Against Homophobia. “For one thing, ‘free speech’ doesn’t mean that you have the right to say or publish whatever you like: advocating stuff like race hatred, inciting violence against minorities and the like, is illegal in most civilised countries. Most government’s spend a lot of tme banning people likely to spew such bile from even entering their coubtries, but nobody complains. All this organisation is doing is enforcing the rules against hate speak when the authorities don’t – and by peaceful means!” The academic expressed his full support for the organisation’s targeting of the likes of Katie Hopkins. “who wouldn’t want to silence the person who wrote newspaper articles describing refugees as ‘vermin’ and advocated machine gunning them rather than rescuing them from the Mediterranean?” he muses. “Sure, she’s perfectly entitled to hold such vile opinions, as is anyone. Indeed, you can even discuss them amongst your fascist mates in the pub, but you can’t go around trying to disseminate them on an industrial scale, there are laws against that.”
An individual claiming to represent the organisation has subsequently contacted The Sleaze directly, to explain its aims more fully. “We maintain that using the ‘liquid cosh’ on the likes of Nigel Farage is surely preferable to enraged mobs beating them into submission,” they told us. “Which is going to be the inevitable outcome when the realities of Brexit hit home. Once people realise that the UK’s economy has been destroyed as the result of a racially motivated campaigned based upon an irrational hatred of foreigners, there’s a risk of the lies of Farage, Gove and Boris Johnson finding themselves dangling from lampposts – if they are lucky, we’ll be able to shut them up long enough to stop them enraging any mobs.” The individual also outlined the organisation’s forthcoming plans, revealing that they have recruited an entire guerilla army, ready to fire sedative-tipped darts at speakers at right-wing rallies across Europe. “Obviously, our top targets in the UK are Jacob Rees-Mogg and Boris Johnson,” they confided. “We’ve twice narrowly missed getting Rees-Mogg – one of our people nearly got him with a syringe that time at the University of the West of England and a whole platoon armed with blowpipes tried to ambush him outside of Parliament, but strong winds meant that their darts ended up lodged in his top hat. But not to worry, we’re confident of getting him soon with a curare-based sedative, which should turn him into an incoherent zombie for a few days. Not that anyone will notice the difference, I’m sure.” In the case of Johnson, the organisation fears that horse tranquilisers won’t be powerful enough to prevent his idiotic and reactionary outpourings. “We’re currently looking at the stuff zoos use to sedate rhinos,” the source told us. “We’re crossing our fingers that might do the job.”