A man who was arrested trying to photograph Bill Clinton’s penis during the former President’s recent heart surgery, has claimed that he was simply attempting to protect one of the United States’ greatest treasures from renegades and terrorists. Former US Navy SEAL Dirk Prodd, dressed in surgical whites, was caught in the operating theatre with his head under the surgical sheet grasping Clinton’s peacemaker in one hand, whilst pointing a powerful telephoto lens at it with the other. “It was the flash bulbs which gave him away,” declares Secret Service agent Dan Gonicle, who arrested Prodd and ejected him from the theatre. “He damn near set the President’s pubes alight with them – if he’d had any sense he’d have used an infrared camera!” However, according to Prodd, it was vital that he get access to the ex-Presidential pile-driver so as to snatch a picture of a secret map drawn up by the Founding Fathers and tattooed on Bill Clinton’s foreskin. “It’s been passed down from father to son! As the eldest male of each Clinton generation reached eighteen, they’d have the tattoo copied onto their todger in a secret tattoo parlour in Philadelphia – allegedly it’s situated in the shadow of the Liberty Bell-End,” explains Prodd, who claims the tradition goes all the way back to Bill Clinton’s great-great-great-great-great granddaddy Zebediah Clinton, who had his wang tattooed by Ben Franklin himself in 1792. “All the participants in the ceremony dress in hoods and robes – once the deed is done, they take it in turn to wrap a copy of the US Constitution around their hambones before whacking them against the side of the Liberty Bell itself! No wonder it’s cracked!”
It has long been suspected that the map shows the way to some legendary treasure which the Founding Fathers wanted to keep safe from the British. Consequently, over the centuries the Clinton male member has become much sought after, with patriots and enemies of the State alike attempting to uncover it’s secrets. “The Reds, the French, the Brits – they’ve all tried to get their hands on it over the years – there have been a few times when managed to get a grip on it, but luckily it slipped between their fingers at the crucial moment each time,” reveals Prodd. “However, it’s been during Bill’s reign as custodian that the Clinton tallywhacker has come closest to spilling it’s secrets! With the forces of terror gathering for their strike against freedom throughout the 1990s, Bill’s old man became a target for every crazy anti-American renegade wanting to pop it’s cork and grab Uncle Sam’s proverbial crown jewels! Imagine what a propaganda coup that would have been – Al Qaeda or some outlaw state stealing America’s secret treasure from right under the President’s nudger!”
One of Clinton’s lovesteak’s closest shaves came when an unscrupulous foreign agent, disguised as a young female intern, managed to get unrestricted access to the President’s pants. “Damn it all, what else do you think a young girl like that would be doing in private with the world’s most powerful middle-aged man? Far from pleasuring the Prez, she was just trying to make out sure the map was big enough for her to see clearly,” alleges Prodd, who dismisses as mere tabloid speculation stories that she had been specially trained to read the map with her tongue, by deciphering the minute contours in Bill’s foreskin caused by the tattooing. “Fortunately, it turned out to be too big and frisky for her to handle. In fact, I heard she nearly had her eye taken out by it!” It was after this incident that Prodd decided it was imperative that, as a true patriot, he laid his hands on the President’s penile map himself, in order to protect the treasure it led to.
However, as he quickly found out, getting access to the Presidential knockwurst was all but impossible. “They really tightened up security after that intern business. I was denied access when I tried to go through official channels – in fact, I was thrown out of National Security Advisor’s office twice and held in a secure institution for psychiatric evaluation after an approach to the Treasury,” says the former sailor, who was also arrested after entering the White House as a tourist and attempting to photograph Clinton naked in the bath. “All through the beating, I tried to explain to the Marine Guards that it was never my intention to snap pictures of Hilary’s butt, it was all a misunderstanding.” Consequently, the intrepid ex-SEAL was forced into covert action and, despite his ejection from the operating theatre, claims that he now has the pictures of the map he needs, and is well on his way to deciphering it. Indeed, he claims to already have backers for an expedition based on the map. “It won’t be easy – the map is written in some arcane code. It might not even lead directly to the treasure itself, but just to another incredibly complicated clue,” concedes Prodd, whose previous escapades have included an expedition up Jennifer Lopez’ arse crack in search of hidden Aztec gold and a daring, (but ultimately doomed), attempt to raise George W Bush’s clapped out penis. “Nevertheless, I’m confident that we’re still several steps ahead of the opposition!”
But just what is this fabled treasure, which the Founding Fathers went to such great lengths to protect? Speculation as to it’s nature has ranged from the Fountain of Youth allegedly discovered by Ponce de Leon in Florida, to Thomas Jefferson’s legendary inter-racial porn stash, said to feature many high quality lithographs of women in chains. However, Harvard’s Professor John Chitterling, an expert on the Founding Fathers, believes that the treasure may not be literal. “There have long been rumours that an alternative version of the US Constitution exists- a version which differs in several significant respects from the current one,” says Chitterling. “If this earlier Constitution were uncovered, it could have serious ramifications for the whole of US society – anyone in possession of it could bring a case in the Supreme Court to have it replace the current Constitution on the grounds that it supercedes it!”
With Prodd’s backers rumoured to include right-wing talk radio host Rush Limbaugh and slap-headed reactionary movie star Bruce Willis, Chitterling fears that US conservatives are hoping that the alternative Constitution will include the type of clauses needed to usher in a new era of repression. “It could overtly endorse slavery, ban abortion, outlaw homosexuality and gay marriages – those Founding Fathers could be reactionary bastards,” speculates the academic. “On the other hand, there’s the possibility that it’s a far more liberal version of our current Constitution, restricting the right to bear arms, making welfare mandatory and allowing gay sex in public. Either way, the conservatives will be desperate to get their hands on it, either to implement it or suppress it!” It is now rumoured that a counter-expedition financed by geriatric liberal sex machine Michael Douglas, and leftie pseudo-intellectual George Clooney, is to be led by gross wobble-bottomed Bush-hater Michael Moore. “America’s fate could rest in their hands,” says Chitterling. “May God help us all!”