Welcome to our semi-regular feature – Ask the Rev – where leading paranormal expert and ordained priest (in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist) Reverend Leonard Fanny addresses our readers’ supernatural personal problems. This time the Rev’s expertise is required to deal with a case of ‘Naked Possession’.
Dear Reverend,
I fear that I am the victim of a case of possession. Ever since I moved into a new house, I have apparently been behaving erratically, although I have no memory of these alleged incidents. Last month, for instance, I awoke to a policeman hammering on my front door, threatening to arrest me for indecent exposure. Apparently I’d run through the neighbourhood stark naked the day before, waving my genitals at passers by and pressing my bare buttocks up against the glass of neighbours’ patio doors, frightening several small children and a cocker spaniel. I’m told that the dog has been too scared to come out from behind the sofa since. Obviously, I had no recollection of committing these atrocities and pleaded my innocence. Nevertheless, I was forced to participate in an identity parade, where my genitals were picked out by half a dozen witnesses and my buttocks by three more. Humiliatingly, I was forced to press my buttocks against a freezing cold pane of glass for the line up, to fully recreate the circumstances of the alleged offence. Whilst on bail for these offences, several farmers in the neighbouring countryside had their livestock sexually molested – while no charges were brought due to a lack of evidence, I was still questioned over these outrages.
Needless to say, these seemingly constant accusations of grossly offensive behaviour – of which I have no memory – have taken their toll. Although my wife initially stood by me, she has now left to stay with her mother, taking our children with her. The final straw for her, apparently, was when I leapt on top of her, naked save for a gimp mask, from the top of the wardrobe as she entered the bedroom, tearing her clothes off, throwing her on the bed and subjecting her to a series of perverse sexual practices against her will. Apparently, I played her buttocks like a bongo drum for over half an hour. Obviously, I recall nothing of this – although I cannot deny the evidence of her bruised buttocks. I began to suspect that I was losing my mind, but a conversation with the weird old wino who hangs out under the railway bridge – one of the few people who will still speak to me – led to me suspecting that I was suffering from some kind of supernatural possession. He reckoned that a previous occupant of my house had been a notorious local sex pest, infamous for exposing himself to various women around the town and rumoured to expend his insatiable sexual appetites on anything: man, woman or beast. After conducting some more research, I found that all of the witnesses who had identified me had been victims of this fiend! Even the traumatised dog had attacked him, trying to defend its mistress when he forced entry to her house and subjected her to a five hour bondage ordeal that had culminated in him thrashing her buttocks! After this, he had mysteriously disappeared – according to the wino, rumours were rife that he had been castrated and murdered by the town’s outraged menfolk and his body buried in his own back garden!
It now seemed obvious to me that his vengeful spirit was periodically taking possession of my body to wreak new havoc on his accusers. I feared that it was surely only a matter of time before his possessions turned murderous, as he tried to take revenge on the vigilantes who had killed him. Naturally, I decided to take action against this evil entity and sought help from my local clergy. Unfortunately, the exorcism promised by the local vicar didn’t go as planned – he did all the usual stuff of sprinkling Holy water around my house, saying prayers then told me I had to stand in the middle of my living room, take my clothes off and close my eyes. Next thing I knew, the bastard was touching me up! I opened my eyes and there he was, stark naked apart from his dog collar. Furious, I punched the perv in the face, but then the spirit must have taken possession of me again, as next thing I knew, the vicar was running, screaming, from the house. Apparently, I had buggered him near senseless. I’m now facing charges for sexual assault on top of everything else. After this unfortunate ecclesiastical experience, I was wary of contacting another man of the cloth for help – but I’m desperate and hoping that you can suggest some way out of this dilemma.
W. Squeers
Reigate
The Rev replies: Well, I can’t deny that in all my years tending the small parish we call weirdness, I’ve never encountered a case of possession quite like this. First off, I can assure you that here in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist we most certainly don’t condone the sexual abuse of victims of possession during exorcisms. As you are doubtless aware, our worship is conducted au naturel, but this is purely for the purpose of honouring God’s greatest creation, the human body, but we have a strict policy of looking but not touching. But to get back to the problem in hand, it is the intermittent nature of this possession which presents a challenge – is the evil spirit only in your body during these bizarre episodes or is it these all the time, but dormant between the outbursts of sexual misconduct? If it is the latter, then it should be possible to expel via normal exorcism procedures, but if the former is the case, then it could only be tackled during an episode and there is no guarantee that it won’t sneak back in if expelled.
There is, of course, the possibility of exorcising the spirit yourself if you are willing to employ somewhat unconventional methods. There have been cases of spiritual possession where the victim has, reportedly, been able to expel the evil spirit via the anus. It requires a great deal of straining and must be accompanied with the incantation of a series of prayers – in some cases, hiving the anus blessed in advance has been cited as a necessary prerequisite, although the insertion of a crucifix at the top of the cleft in the buttocks is believed by other authorities to be sufficient. Of course, most of these cases date back to the Middle Ages, but I have heard of a recent case where a chap, after a titanic effort of straining and praying, succeeded in blasting the possessing entity out of his behind and into a toilet bowl full of Holy water. Reportedly, the toilet exploded in flames beneath his buttocks, the porcelain shattering, all accompanied by an enormous thunderclap – although some say it was merely a huge fart – leaving him free of the possessing entity, which was destroyed by the Holy water. Of course, he was left with rectal prolapse, severe internal injuries and massive bleeding from his buttocks which had been lacerated by the exploding toilet. But he was free of possession. Perhaps you could try a similar approach? (I would be happy to supply you with sufficient Holy water for the procedure) Unfortunately, I would be unable to help you in defending yourself against the charges brought against you for actions while possessed as I am not legally qualified, (but know that spiritual possession isn’t a valid defence in law).
The Rev will be back soon to give more advice on your paranormal problems. So, if your sex life is a hump in the night or you find yourself nocturnally plagued by the attentions of a spectral groper, drop us a line.
(The Rev is also available for weddings, christenings and exorcisms, the latter only on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons).
