The government has denied that the apparent hacking of an official Departmental Twitter account – which, for over an hour, Tweeted a stream of expletives and derogatory comments about senior ministers – and the sudden resignation from that department of a minister appointed only days before, were in any way linked. Sources within the Department of Consumer Affairs, however, have contradicted these claims. “Arthur Foil didn’t resign, he was sacked and the Twitter account wasn’t hacked – it was directly under his control. Those Tweets were deliberate,” opined a senior civil servant who wishes to remain anonymous. “No sooner had he taken up his post, then he took personal control of the account, locked himself in his office and started pouring out grossly offensive Tweets – it was a carefully calculated strategy on his part to ensure that he’d be relieved of his duties.” The supposedly hijacked account, followed by tens of thousands of people, including journalists and major news outlets, at first Tweeted various offensive words, including ‘shit’, ‘cock’, ‘bollocks’, ‘wank’ and ‘twat’ hundreds of times, before moving on to unflattering comments about government ministers. “I just keep thinking of all the poor consumers following the account expecting updates on legislation to protect their rights and instead find themselves confronted by ’Rishi Sunak smells’ or ‘Therese Coffey is a huge fat wobble bottom’,” sighs the anonymous civil servant. “What must they think? It really is a disgrace. The real scandal, though, is that, having been sacked, Foil is now, as an ex-minister, guaranteed annual payments on top of his MP’s salary!”
Arthur Foil’s departure – with a handsome payout – is one of a spate of ministerial forced resignations currently plaguing Rishi Sunak’s government. “It’s always the same pattern,” muses Harold Voyle, Westminster correspondent for broadsheet The Sentinel. “A recently appointed minister starts misbehaving in some way, then, when it threatens to turn into a public scandal, they quietly resign and collect the money.” Indeed, there are widespread rumours in Whitehall that various Tory MPs are accepting junior ministerial positions with the sole intent of engineering their rapid dismissal, so as to get the extra income. “It’s money for old rope, really,” ponders Voyle. “Of course, it doesn’t help that, with three Prime Ministers in as many months, the Tories are running out of people to appoint to these positions – they are now down to the absolute dregs of their back benches, people totally unfit to hold any kind of public office due to their greed, dishonesty and general incompetence.” The last fortnight alone has seen three such resignations in addition to Foil’s. “There’s no doubt that they are having to get ever more inventive in their attempts to get fired,” notes the journalist. “When it comes to misconduct in office, Boris Johnson set the bar pretty high, refusing to resign even when engulfed in corruption and scandal. Nowadays, just a common or garden office affair, or a few backhanders from Russian businessmen for services rendered isn’t enough to get sacked.”
Consequently, the most recent ministerial firings-for-money have involved various bizarre behaviours on the part of those seeking a sacking. “Let’s see,” says Voyle. “There was Sir Victor Bryne at the Ministry of Textiles, who went after repeatedly wandering around the building stark naked, startling several members of staff, not to mention Home Secretary Suella Braverman, who was visiting his offices. He claimed that he was exploring the practicality of a bew policy initiative aimed at converting the general population to naturism, so as to save on clothing costs during the cost of living crisis. Not surprisingly, he was given his marching orders and a big payout.” Another minister, Roy Theggs, Under Secretary for Beaches, was fired after allegedly trying to demonstrate that the dumping of raw sewage in the sea close to Britain’s beaches didn’t represent a hazard to health by defecating in his toddler’s paddling pool, then sitting in the polluted water in his swimming trunks. “By that time Hugh Rubber, the junior minister at the Department of Pseudo Science, must have wondered how he could top such behaviours in order to ensure his sacking,” says Voyle. “In desperation he settled for simply punching out the tea lady, claiming that she’d deliberately put sugar in his tea, despite knowing he was diabetic. Lo and behold, he was sacked with a generous golden handshake and the old biddy paid off to keep her quiet!”
But Voyle believes that it is not just junior ministers who are taking advantage of the system to use their ministerial appointments as a way of securing what amouts to an additional pension with minimum effort. “What else could be behind Justice Secretary Dominic Raab’s welcoming of an investigation into his alleged bullying of civil servants?” he asks. “It seems clear to me that he’s angling to be sacked or forced to resign so as to get the severance payments. Who can blame him? He’s an utterly useless tosspot who has ballsed up every ministerial appointment he’s had. I mean, this is his second attempt to wreck the Justice brief!” The journalist suspects that Raab’s attempts to get sacked have been spurred on by seeing Gavin Williamson depart from government so quickly. “It’s Williamson’s third ministerial sacking under as many Prime Minister’s,” he says. “He must be utterly minted with all the money he’s getting for being an ex-minister three times over. It’s pretty lucrative work for an utter incompetent like him. I mean, this time they made no pretence about it – they didn’t even bother giving him a ministry, making him minister without portfolio instead, so obvious was it that he was engineering another sacking and pay off!”
According to Voyle, though, the highest profile forced resignation for money so far has been that Liz Truss, Britain’s shortest lived Prime Minister. “What other reason could there have been for someone as dangerously underqualified as her to seek the highest political office in the land if not for the prospect of a quick pay off?” he demands. “It must have been quite obvious, even to her, that she simply wasn’t up to the job and wasn’t going to last more than a few weeks?” Our anonymous source at the Department of Consumer Affairs, however, disagrees with Voyle on the subject of Liz Truss. “The fact is that she was completely mad. Totally bonkers. Everyone knew it – just look at her eyes, she is the proverbial swivel-eyed loon,” he argues. “I don’t think the idea of completely trashing the British economy to get a personal pay off ever occurred to her. She was simply deluded enough to think that she had the talent to be Prime Minister. I have no doubt though that her spectacular incompetence and rapid resignations planted the idea of accepting ministerial appointments solely in order to get sacked and take the money, in the heads of this current crop of waste-of-space chancers.”
