A right-wing Tory MP has launched an extraordinary attack upon the government’s latest initiative for cutting NHS waiting lists, claiming that the policy of sending patients overseas for treatment is could seriously endanger them. Indeed, backbencher Sir Harry Ronson-Tewel has claimed that at least two of his constituents have already died as a result of this policy – killed by US bombers when the hospital they had been sent to in Kabul was mistaken for an arms depot. “Its an outrage!” bellowed the 68-year old former greengrocer as he addressed the Commons recently. “This bombing was obviously orchestrated by the government so as to disguise the poor handiwork and general incompetence of the Afghani doctors! My constituents – two poor old ladies simply seeking hip replacements – were probably already dead at the hands of these foreign butchers before the hospital was destroyed as part of a massive cover-up!” Ronson-Tewel claims that this is not the first such incident involving one of his constituents.
Earlier this year Mrs Brigid O’Casey, aged 54, found herself being unexpectedly treated in Africa. “One moment she was being put under anaesthetic in her local hospital prior to an operation on an ingrowing toenail, the next thing she knew she was waking up in a mud hut and confronted by a large African man wearing a leapordskin loin cloth and a bone through his nose!” roared the MP, a leading member of the notorious ‘Wednesday Club’ (so-called because it is significantly to the right of the infamous ‘Monday Club’), at a recent press conference. “Apparently she had been transferred to a so-called medical facility eighty miles west of Nairobi and was being treated by a witch-doctor! This chap spent several hours waving monkey skulls and scattering chicken blood over her – it was a terrifying experience for the poor woman. Indeed, Mrs O’Casey has told me that she feared for her life, believing that, at any moment, she might find herself put into a huge cooking pot with several missionaries before being served up as a main course!” The unfortunate Mrs O’Casey was also forced to pay her own bus fare back to England. Hospitals Minister Enid Ballslap has been quick to pour scorn on Sir Harry’s claims, pointing out that no patients had ever been referred to countries outside of the European Union, and that no local hospitals in his constituency had any record of these particular patients. She also condemned his remarks as being offensive and bigoted, serving only to perpetuate crude and inaccurate racial stereotypes.
Undeterred, the right-winger has continued his attacks on the government’s health policies, claiming that the NHS is employing far too many foreign medics. “Its a well known fact that they simply are not as good as British doctors,” he recently bellowed at a meeting of the Women’s Institute. “The NHS is only employing them because they come cheap – some of them are paid in beads and mirrors, I understand – but you get what you pay for!” The discovery of the dismembered body of a young boy in the Thames has led Ronson-Tewel to claim that some of the foreign ‘doctors’ working in the NHS are in fact shamans, warlocks and medicine men from South America. “This poor young man went to his GP with wax in ears, but instead of an ear syringing he found himself being ritually dismembered!” Sir Harry shrieked at a recent constituency meeting. Whilst speculating that the boy’s missing limbs and organs may have been taken by witch doctors for use in their ceremonies, police have declined to arrest his GP, pointing out that he comes from Cardiff, not the Amazon basin.
Nevertheless, the right-winger has persisted in his claims that some foreign doctors were systematically murdering and dismembering their poorer NHS patients in order provide ingredients for the ‘natural’ cures and treatments they offered to their wealthier private patients. “One of my constituents, Lady Bankside, told me that her GP, who comes from Buenos Aries, recently treated her lumbago by dripping hot wax on her affected shoulder from a five-pronged candle fashioned from a human hand! Incredibly, she recognised the hand as belonging to her cleaning lady, who used the same GP and had been missing for several weeks!” he ranted to the Commons Select Health Committee. He claims that these practices are widespread, claiming that another constituent was recently treated for deafness at a private clinic by having a necklace of severed human ears draped around his neck. The unfortunate man noticed that one of the ears was still wearing an earring, which he recognised as one that he had given to his wife – who had mysteriously died during a routine operation carried out by a foreign surgeon at an NHS hospital- for her birthday, two years previously.
Sir Harry cited many other cases, including patients being given human testicles to eat as a treatment for impotency, before being escorted out of the Health Committee. Ronson-Tewel has continued his campaign against overseas medics, claiming that those who are not murderers are sex offenders. Following his ejection from the Commons Select Committee, he told a press conference that one Hans Cloggite, a Dutch paramedic currently working in Birmingham, had so far buggered twenty-six people on the pretext of performing the heimlich manoeuvre on them. “When will they stop this monster?” he raged, claiming that at least seventeen of Cloggite’s victims were not choking at the time. “As for the others, well I’d certainly spit food out my throat if someone shoved his penis up my arse whilst I was eating in a restaurant!”
In addition to being expelled from the Conservative party and being suspended from the Commons indefinitely, Sir Harry is currently undergoing psychiatric tests. Hospitals Minister Enid Ballslap has again dismissed his claims, describing them as “outrageous”, “xenophobic nonsense” and “highly offensive”, and pointing out that there is no evidence whatsoever to back them up. Indeed, she has pointed out that there are many advantages to employing foreign doctors. “Many of them are Moslems, meaning that they do not drink and therefore have not wasted much of their training completely shit-faced, harassing nurses, seeing who can urinate highest up a wall and generally behaving like a bunch of overprivileged ten year olds,” Ballslap said in an official statement. “Consequently, they are frequently better informed on medical techniques (having attended more lectures) and don’t turn up to work severely hung-over and incapable of diagnosing a stubbed toe.”