This week, in order to show our wholehearted support for the Government’s new anti-witchcraft legislation, we ask the vital question – “Is your neighbour a witch?”. As the Home Secretary has rightly pointed out, anyone could be a witch – you can’t detect them just by looking for the obvious. Whilst witches may traditionally have been easily identifiable by such traits as straddling broomsticks, getting familiar with black cats and having facial warts, the modern black magic user is far subtler – being able to pass for an ordinary middle-class citizen. However, certain behavioural traits can still give them away and, in anticipation of the publication of official witch-recognition guidelines, we present our own handy guide to witch and warlock spotting.

Does your neighbour:

Appear to be a sweet old lady with a spinning wheel who cackles maniacally?

Live in a gingerbread house?

Regularly invite Satan around for tea?

Have sex with succubi?

Hold wild pagan rites around the barbecue in the back garden?

Promote Keynsian economics?

Stick needles into effigies of bankers?

Appear nostalgic for the 1960s?

Espouse dangerously liberal views – including the legalisation of cannabis and/or republicanism?

Read The Guardian?

Drive a car that does less than 30 mpg?

Claim benefits?

Have a disability?


Drink cheap alcohol?

Of course, these are not the only indicators of witchcraft – speaking in strange tongues is another suspicious trait. What might sound like Polish to you could in fact be the ancient Wiccan language used for invoking devils! In fact, beware of foreigners generally. UKIP leader Nigel Farage has suggested that the current witchcraft spate has been the result of a large influx of Eastern European witches posing as asylum seekers, and has suggested stricter immigration controls.

If the answer to any of the above is “yes”, then you could be living next door to a witches’ coven! If the answer to at least three is “yes” then you and your family could be in immediate danger – call our hotline immediately! A team of trained witch-hunters will attend your address immediately and subject your neighbours to trial by ducking – if they live, clearly you were right to call! They will be burned at the stake forthwith! We’re offering fabulous prizes, including a brand new Ford Ka, to any readers whose tips result in a successful witch burning! So, start watching those skies for broomsticks!