The full extent of Jimmy Savile’s sexual abuse is finally becoming clearer. Whilst early estimates put the number of his victims at around three hundred, police now believe that the true total is much, much higher. “We now believe that Jimmy Savile sexually abused everyone in the UK during the 1970s and 1980s,” Chief Inspector Jim Dibbler of the Metropolitan Police has told a press conference at Scotland Yard. “It is clear from the numbers of people coming forward to report encounters with Savile since the scandal first broke, that nobody was left untouched by this pervert. We’re not sure how he did it – possibly it involved some kind of hypnosis when he was presenting Jim’ll Fix It and Top of the Pops – but he definitely abused the entire nation during this period.” Dibbler himself has now recovered long-suppressed memories of his own ordeal at the hands of the dead DJ. “It was 1981 and, like millions of others, I was watching Jim’ll Fix It one Saturday night,” he recalls, sobbing. “Suddenly Jimmy looked directly at me and told me to get my cock out and wave it at the TV. Of course I did what he told me – he was Jimmy Savile and I was only nine!” The police believe that Savile used his hypnotic powers to make his millions of victims forget their ordeals – only now are they remembering and coming forward. “He’s the bastard who buggered an entire nation,” sobs Diddler

Already, an entire pseudo-psychiatric industry is springing up to help Savile’s ‘victims’ recover the memories of their ‘abuse’. “It is essential that they recover and come to terms with the terrible ordeals they have been through,” opines sexual therapist Mary Cockstroke. “Their suppression will inevitably result in sexual dysfunction and psychological disturbance – already I’ve had three patients cured of impotence, two of premature ejaculation and four others of serious sexual fetishes, after forcing them to remember and confront their long-suppressed Savile traumas.” Cockstroke, who charges a hundred pounds an hour for her Savile abuse memory recovery sessions at her offices in Hounslow, helps her clients recall their suppressed memories by dressing as the late DJ – complete with track suit, wig and cigar – and hypnotising them by jangling her gold jewellery at them whilst incanting Savile’s inane catchphrases. “It really works, for years nobody could understand why the sight of a cigar, or even a whiff of cigar smoke would send me screaming from the room,” says one Cockstroke’s most recent clients, Janice Gripple. “But after several hours of Mary waving gold chains at me and shouting ‘Jangle, jangle!’, I suddenly recalled that, in 1987, whilst attending a slumber party with several of my teenage girl friends, we watched an edition of Top of the Pops presented by Jimmy Savile. Half way through the programme he turned to the camera and invited me to take a puff on ‘Uncle Jimmy’s big pink cigar’! Then he made us all perform lewd acts to Terence Trent D’arby.”

The BBC, meanwhile, has announced that it is taking measures to ensure that there can never be a recurrence of the Savile scandal. “We’ve taken the ‘magic chair’ he sat in when he presented Jim’ll Fix It out of storage and had it burned,” said a spokesperson. “We’re convinced that he transferred his evil spirit to that chair and that anyone who sits in will become possessed and start groping young women.” However, a former prop builder for Savile’s TV series has warned that more than one chair was built for the dead nonce’s TV series. “There was a red one and a blue one – only the red one has been destroyed,” he has told a popular tabloid. “The blue one is still out there, probably in some collector or fan’s shed, ready to create another monster like Savile!” The BBC has also confirmed that it is currently having Savile digitally removed from every edition of Top of the Pops that he presented, and replaced with ‘Diddy’ David Hamilton. “At least we know Hamilton isn’t a nonce,” the BBC spokesperson told the press. “He’s just a crap DJ.” However, the operation has now been complicated by the need also to remove Dave Lee Travis from the programme, following his arrest on suspicion of having committed sexual offences whilst a Radio One DJ. “There was quite some debate as to whether we should remove DLT as well,” says the spokesperson. “After all, the alleged offences apparently don’t involve children – some people were of the opinion that, as DLT was only being accused of having been an old school sex pest, it would be unfair to appear to be bracketing him Jimmy Savile, an alleged nonce. But bearing in mind the current climate, it was felt best to err on the side of caution.” Consequently, Dave Lee Travis is now being digitally replaced with Tony Blackburn. “We decided that, of the remaining Radio One DJs of the seventies era, he was the least likely to be accused of being a paedophile or sexual predator,” the spokesperson confided.

The Vatican has also been thrown into turmoil, having bestowed a Papal Knighthood on Savile in 1990, ostensibly for his charity work. The Roman Catholic hierarchy is now trying to see if it is possible to strip him of the honour posthumously. “Yeah, that’ll show him, the dead bastard! Apart from being utterly pointless, this gesture also seems more than a little hypocritical coming from an organisation whose priests have pretty much institutionalised the sexual abuse of children, isn’t it?” says leading militant atheist Dr Simon Hawkins, who has claimed that the DJ’s Papal honour was actually awarded in recognition for his contribution to secret child molestation. “Surely they should be canonising Savile to make him the patron saint of kiddie fiddlers? Then he could look after all those Catholic priests, using his influence with God to stop them being exposed.” The church authorities maintain that they are shocked and horrified by the revelations about Savile’s extracurricular activities. “Look, I’m as upset as the next fella that Jimmy got into heaven on false pretences,” Brendan O’Fugh, Bishop of Skibbereen claims. “The very thought of him up there, fiddlin’ with the souls of those poor kiddies the Lord saw fit to take young, fair makes me want to puke, I can tell you! Believe me, we’re all prayin’ for the bastard to go down to Hell – what else can we do?”

Finally, the BBC has refused to confirm that it is planning a Savile sex abuse special episode of popular talk show The Graham Norton Show , in which the Irish funny man will interview three celebrity victims of the DJ’s abuse, helping them to recover suppressed memories of their ordeals. A spokesperson refused to comment on reports that one of the guests would be Carol Thatcher, who would recall how ‘Uncle Jimmy’ had groped her in the cupboard under the stairs at Chequers one Christmas when he was a guest of her mother, former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. “Such a programme would, obviously, be in extremely poor taste,” said the spokesperson. “Although we have heard a rumour that Channel Four are trying to gazump us with a similarly themed edition of camp comic Alan Carr’s Chatty Man series. Now that really would be in poor taste – all cheap innuendo and knob jokes. In which case, we at the BBC would feel it our duty to allow Graham Norton to explore the subject matter in his usual sober and restrained style.”