Nude Man Rises

Metropolis had Superman, Gotham City could boast of Batman, now Lewisham too, appears to have acquired its very own superhero – Nude Man. Recent weeks have seen a spate of sightings of this exciting new crime fighter – whose true identity remains a mystery. Local resident Thomas Michaels claims to have seen Nude Man tackle a potentially dangerous beggar who was harassing pedestrians in Lewisham High Street one afternoon. “This scruffy lice-ridden drunk bloke was staggering around, calling people bastards and stuff because they wouldn’t give him money, when this naked man came running out of some nearby public toilets.” The terrifying sight of a naked superhero, his mighty super-tackle swaying up and down threateningly, apparently caused the beggar to flee in terror. “I don’t know what would have happened if Nude Man hadn’t turned up,” says Michaels. “The situation could have got very nasty, I’m sure that beggar was about to start calling people arseholes – who knows where that could have led?” Despite these and other eyewitness accounts the authorities in Lewisham remain sceptical as to the existence of Nude Man. “We have had no reports of crimes being foiled by naked crime fighters,” said Chief of Police Ron Nadge. “However, there have been reports of a streaker in the area and several complaints of indecent exposure from local women. I would urge the public not to tackle dangerous criminals themselves, especially not when naked. Leave that sort of thing to the Police.”

Nonetheless, many remain convinced that Nude Man exists and is making the streets safe for them. Local superhero expert Jim Bowman believes that the authorities are deliberately covering up the existence of the unclad crusader. “They are worried that he’s making them look inefficient,” Bowman told The Sleaze. “Which wouldn’t be bloody difficult – they are a bunch of lazy, corrupt bastards more interested in selling information to the tabloids than actually policing the local area!” He says that the police have desperately been trying to identify Nude Man, claiming that he has proof that last month they held an unusual identity parade at Lewisham Police Station. “They lined up six likely suspects and got them to strip from the waist down, whilst eyewitnesses were asked if they recognised any of the todgers – it is his most frequently described feature,“ Bowman claimed. “One of the witnesses was my Auntie Gertie – Nude Man saved her from a bunch of aggressive charity collectors in a local shopping centre. If he hadn’t have come along they would have had her signed up to give half her pension away every month to some charity which supposedly helps the aged – yeah, they help themselves to their pensions! Anyway, she copped a good look at his chopper and told me that none of those in the identity parade remotely resembled it!”

According to Auntie Gertie the members on display were all too wizened and flaccid to be Nude Man’s. “It’s obvious that he is no normal man,” explains her nephew. “How else can you explain the fact that even on the coldest of Winter’s days his tackle retains its full glory? This is a man with enhanced powers to withstand the cold – possibly as the result of a government experiment, or a mutation resulting from some kind of nuclear accident.” Other superhero experts disagree with this analysis, suggesting that Nude Man is, in fact, an alien who, like Superman, has come to earth to protect the human race from itself. “From all the descriptions of his todger, it is quite clear that such apparatus could not possibly belong to any mere human male,” declares Sandra Trox, who runs a website dedicated to local paranormal phenomena. “I’ve seen quite a few, and none match up to eyewitness reports of his in size, firmness or general aesthetics. Especially when exposed to the cold. Clearly, he is a being from a much more advanced civilisation – I mean, if he was a human male there’s no way he would have been able to resist the temptation to wave his todger in the faces of the women he has saved.”

Despite the failure of the penis identity parade, police have allegedly now put together a photo-fit of Nude Man’s genitalia from eyewitness descriptions, which they plan to publish in the local newspaper. “Someone out there – a wife, lover, victim of indecent exposure – must recognise these nads,” says top copper Nadge. “The street can’t be the only place he gets them out – maybe you’ve seen them whilst standing at the urinals in your local pub? If so, get in touch with us immediately.” However, Bowman believes this tactic is utterly futile. “Look, if – like Superman and Batman – he has an everyday cover identity which nobody associates with the Nude Man persona, then it is conceivable that his genitals also have a disguise,” he told us. “Maybe he uses a pubic wig of a different hair colour, or maybe his todger wears glasses and a moustache when he isn’t Nude Man, either way, it renders this photo-fit picture worthless!”

Lewisham Mayor Dan Knuckler, maintains that there is no superhero activity in his borough. “Nude Man is a hoax,” he recently told the press. “The only people going naked in public in this borough are sick perverts who enjoy frightening old ladies in the park, and they will be arrested and dealt with by the courts. People like Jim Bowman are highly irresponsible. I don’t know what his motivation is in stirring up public panic with his ludicrous allegations!” Nevertheless, many disagree with their Mayor and say they are thankful for Nude Man’s intervention in local crime. “I’ll take him over the police any day – those buggers only turn up when it’s too late, if at all. Nude Man doesn’t have to be called – he just appears whenever a crime is committed. That’s what I call proper crime prevention,” comments Lewisham newsagent Jake Dilljock, who has witnessed many of Nude Man’s exploits first hand. “I’m telling you, this place was overrun with muggers, flashers and sex offenders before he turned up. Trust me, It wasn’t safe for women to walk the streets at night before he started getting his cobblers out.”