A British newspaper is claiming that a recent incident in which a police patrol car involved in a fatal crash whilst pursuing a stolen car at high speed turned out to have been driven by a blind officer, highlights the danger being posed to the public by the government’s policy of forcing organisations to give equal employment opportunities to the disabled. “It is sheer madness! Political correctness gone too far! Middlesex Police were apparently forced to employ this PC Pugh so as to make up their quota of token minorities the government now forces on them,” says Daily Excess editor Ian Hornington. “Incredibly, he managed the first three miles of the pursuit without incident, through a combination of using his white stick to tap the road through the driver’s window, and his guide dog giving him directions from the back seat – one bark for left, two for right. Unfortunately the dog became confused at a busy junction and they ended up ploughing into a minibus full of pensioners – it was carnage!” According to the newspaper report, the guide dog was subsequently exonerated of any blame for the crash – he had earlier been injured whilst attempting to guide Pugh by running in front of the police car on a leash. Sadly, the dog was unable to keep up when the car accelerated to try and pull over a speeding motorist, and fell under the wheels before being dragged behind the car for two miles. A police enquiry board judged that he had clearly been in no fit state to give directions during the fatal chase just two days later.

“The irony is that this officer was only employed because another officer was so able-bodied,” comments Hornington. “Middlesex Police had satisfied their other token minority posts by employing a black gay, but physically unimpaired, woman. The only available candidate they had to fulfil their token physically disabled officer slot was this blind man – if only that lesbian had had one leg, this whole tragedy could have been averted!” The Excess claims that this incident is merely the tip of the iceberg and that Britain’s emergency services are being undermined by the government’s equal opportunities policy. “We’ve had reports that a full-scale riot erupted in Oakham when an officer sent by Rutland Constabulary to calm down some drunken youths turned out to have tourette’s syndrome, and proceeded to shout abuse at the mob over his car’s tannoy! I blame that David Blunkett – he’s just trying to ensure jobs for his lot,” says Hornington, referring to the famously blind Home Secretary. “And it isn’t just the police being forced to take these people on – there was that recent case of the armless paramedics! Apparently they did everything with their feet – drive, fit IV drips, give injections, the lot! Allegedly it took them over an hour to get a seriously injured man onto a stretcher, and another two to get him into the ambulance – they had to lie on their backs and lift it on their feet!” The Excess editor also cites the case of a factory blaze which burned out of control when attended by a fire appliance crewed entirely by epileptics: “Their appliance’s blue flashing lights set them all off on a fit – whilst the building burned they were all thrashing about on the ground like landed fish!”

Both the government and groups representing the disabled have been quick to condemn the newspaper’s campaign, branding it “sick and twisted” and pointing out that its claims are completely without foundation. “This is a completely unwarranted and unprovoked attack upon an already shamefully disadvantaged section of society. There is no record of any of these incidents ever taking place,” declares Jake Pegg, the government Minister with responsibility for disability issues. “Furthermore, it is not government policy to impose ‘quotas’ of minorities upon employers, but simply to ensure that such groups are not discriminated against and are instead given equal opportunity when applying for jobs for which they are qualified. The Daily Excess really should be ashamed of itself for presenting such a negative image of the disabled and trying to turn them into figures of hate!”

However, Hornington remains unrepentant, claiming that there has been a massive government cover-up in order to avoid mass public panic, and rejecting claims that his newspaper’s portrayal of the disabled is entirely negative. “We always aim for balance – only last week we had an uplifting story about how quadriplegic former Superman actor Christopher Reeve was still fighting crime, donning his superhero costume to chase muggers down the street in his electric wheelchair! And what about those pictures we had the other month showing Professor Stephen Hawking breakdancing in his wheelchair at Stringfellows?” he asks, adding that his newspaper had also provided full coverage of the disabled Olympics. Pegg remains unimpressed, claiming that the story on Reeve was both entirely made up and clearly mocking the actor’s disability. “As for the Stephen Hawking pictures, as the Excess well knows, Professor Hawking was not breakdancing – his wheelchair had gone haywire after a drink had been spilled on its control unit. It was amazing he didn’t suffer serious injury. I’m appalled that such a serious incident was so trivialised,” he says. “Moreover, the paper’s coverage of the disabled Olympics was nothing short of disgraceful! They falsely claimed that one athlete had drowned after leaping from the high board in their wheelchair during the freestyle diving event, and that a javelin thrower with cerebral palsy had impaled themselves on their first throw.”

Nevertheless, Hornington continues to defend his coverage of the disabled, claiming that it is merely reflecting public opinion. “Face it, normal people feel uncomfortable around them – they find them hideously ugly and frightening. However, thanks to the tyranny of the politically correct liberal establishment, they’re too scared to express their real feelings,” he explains. “The truth is that the disabled just aren’t aesthetically pleasing! You don’t see many pictures of Page Three girls wearing leg irons or on crutches, do you? Bare breasts and wheelchairs just don’t mix!” According to Hornington the disabled should be the logical focus of the general public’s apparent need to direct its blind hatred against some harmless minority group. “We aren’t allowed to have a a go at ethnic minorities and foreigners anymore, so who else is there? Even the old are off limits these days – they have too much electoral clout!” he says. “The great thing about the disabled is that they are easy to spot and in no position to fight back! No-one is threatened by a bloke on crutches, are they?” Despite espousing such views, the Excess editor claims that he harbours no personal malice toward the disabled. “Look, I’ve got nothing against them personally – I just wouldn’t want my daughter to marry one,” says Hornington.