“Club 18-30 is dead, today’s young people are too sophisticated to simply want to go to Spain, get bladdered, dance themselves sick and indulge in unbridled meaningless sex whilst under the influence,” explains Ronnie Raddocks, the entrepreneur behind a controversial new holiday company targeting Britain’s jaded youth. “They want something edgier, more exciting, something outside the norm! Something that combines healthy outdoor pursuits in an unspoiled natural paradise combined with fun-filled after hours antics! What could fit the bill better than seal-clubbing in Canada?” Television commercials for the new venture – Club Seal – have already attracted a record number of complaints. Featuring a bevy of seal-skin clad beauties whacking doe-eyed baby seals over the head in rhythm to a disco beat – their furs falling open to reveal their shapely bikini-clad bodies – the adverts offer the ‘ultimate clubbing experience’ for Britons in the 18-30 age group. Set against a snowy Canadian backdrop, participants are promised a unique cultural experience, spending two weeks living in beautiful log cabins, rubbing shoulders with genuine French-Canadian fur-trappers, drinking real gut-rot whisky and committing perfectly legal acts of extreme violence. Not surprisingly, animal rights and conservation groups have reacted with outrage to Club Seal. “Look, I know people are going to object – all those little seal cubs being battered to death for the sake of entertainment,” says Raddocks, as he sits behind his desk in his Soho office, puffing a cigar. “But don’t be fooled by those cute wet noses and dewy eyes – they’ll just grow up to be ugly fish-stealing bastards like their parents! Trust me – they put hundreds of Canadian fishermen out of business every year, condemning their families to grinding poverty, through their depletion of local fish stocks! I sincerely believe that Club Seal will bring home to young people this important lesson in how essential it is to conserve our natural resources by effectively restricting unnecessary consumption!” Raddocks was inspired to start Club Seal when he saw TV coverage of the whale which recently became trapped on the Thames in central London. “When I saw all those young people flocking to see the whale, all armed with harpoons, I realised there might be a market for this sort of thing,” he claims. “It will give them a constructive outlet for that aggression they’d otherwise expend beating the shit out of each other and running riot round local bars and discos! Not only that, but just think of the prosperity it will bring to local communities in Newfoundland and Labrador, when we start building our leisure complexes!”

However, critics of the venture are unmoved by Raddock’s claims. “It’s outrageous inflicting pain on another living being in such a cruel and arbitrary fashion should now be marketed as some kind of leisure activity,” says animal rights activist Paul Whittler from his Montreal prison cell , where is currently imprisoned for his part in the 1993 anti-seal clubbing campaign, which involved the ironic clubbing to death at random of several seal clubbers. “Frankly, I’m disgusted that someone should be trying to make money out of this annual carnage. I’ll be lobbying both the British and Canadian governments, urging them to put a stop to this mindless violence! If that doesn’t work, I’ll be advising my colleagues in the animal rights movement to consider a bombing campaign against the airlines carrying Club Seal tourists!” Conservation groups are worried about the possible environmental impact of thousands of British youths descending on remote Arctic communities for a fortnight at a time. “It could be disastrous – its bad enough all those bloody idiots trekking through there trying become the first one-legged lesbian, or whatever, to reach the North Pole,” opines Greenpeace spokesperson Francis Haggers. “God knows what effect hordes of hooligans will have on the place. The remote Inuit communities they’ll be coming into contact with simply don’t have the facilities to deal with their sort! Before you know it, it’ll look like a frozen Costa del Sol – fake English pubs serving cheap lager, fish and chip shops on every street corner with puke and fist-fights every night! Traditional values and lifestyles will be washed away on a tide of drug-fuelled teenage depravity!” Haggers’ nightmare vision of virgin snows stained yellow with piss and communities corrupted by alcohol, sex and drugs, isn’t shared by all of the locals. “All those kids coming here – it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to this shit-hole,” declares Ernie Saumik, official town drunk and part-time sex offender in the Newfoundland coastal town of Pistle’s Creek, which has been proposed as one of the bases for Club Seal. “Hell, there’s nothing to do here ‘cept club seals, get drunk and whack over porno mags – and the pages on those are beginning to stick together!” Indeed, outside of seal clubbing season the dismal collection of rotting wooden hovels constituting Pistle’s Creek suffers ninety percent unemployment, its inhabitants passing the long dark arctic nights in an alcohol induced haze. “We’d turn to drugs, but we can’t afford ’em,” opines Saumik, who is convinced that the arrival of hundreds, possibly thousands, of nubile young British holidaymakers is precisely the shot in the arm the community needs. “Not only will I finally have new blood to expose myself to, but they’ll bring us the kind of prosperity which could transform our shitty lives; maybe we’ll finally get cable and some decent porn channels to jerk off to here!”

Local fisherman and part-time seal clubber Jean-Paul Pisier is also looking forward to the arrival of Club Seal. “Already I’ve been offered a contract as an official clubbing guide,” he explains, rubbing his heavily stubbled chin. “The terms are excellent – I get paid to take these youths out onto the ice-floes, where they do the actual clubbing while I get to keep the pelts! Apparently we will have to provide loud dance music, flashing lights and cheap alcohol to accompany the clubbing, but still, I think, we will come out with a handsome profit!” Pisier, who is already fitting out his fishing boat with mixing decks and sound system, promising that his coxon cum DJ will be blasting out some’ wicked mixes’ from the wheelhouse, has no qualms about slaughtering baby seals for profit. “Just because they look like cute little cuddly toys, people say ‘Ahh, don’t hurt the poor little things’! But the truth is, they eat the fish, we have no income, our children go hungry,” he says. “Because our kids are ugly and stupid, nobody offers to protect them from poverty and starvation!” Raddocks, meanwhile, is already planning new Club Seal-type ventures. “If this takes off, I might try something similar in the UK,” he muses. “The advent of bird flu opens up the possibility of turkey throttling at poultry farms, or mass duck shootings! The possibilities are endless!” The entrepreneur is even considering trying to capitalise on the ban on hunting foxes with dogs. “We could tap into all that expertise currently going to waste,” he says. “Employing huntsmen to supervise packs of youths to hunt down foxes and tear them apart with their teeth! That one could really be a winner!”