While many crackpots, from Piers Corbyn to Donald Trump have claimed climate change to be a hoax, none have actually been able to demonstrate the practical mechanism by which it is being faked. Until now, that is. “They have whole groups of saboteurs, flying around the world, staging stuff like flash floods, wild fires and melting glaciers,” Hugh Shoehorne, former UKIP MEP turned self-styled climatologist, claims in a recent issue of top tabloid The Shite. “That’s why these things only ever take place in one part of the world at the time: if there are out of control wild fires in Australia, for instance, you won’t hear about any unseasonal flooding in Europe, as these guys can’t be in two places at once.” This summer, according to the one time English Defence League local councillor, teams of arsonists have been focusing on setting Europe alight, striking all over the continent, including Italy, Greece and France. “The wild fires are the easiest ‘evidence’ of climate change to fake,” he declares. “They just need a few groups of long haired hippies to pretend to be hikers and have them set light to a few bushes or some grassland – it soon spreads and before you know it, it looks as if the whole of Sicily, for instance, is ablaze! It looks really spectacular on the TV news reports but is actually just superficial. The truth is that the local emergency services could probably get it under control by pissing on it, but those southern European types are lazy bastards and just let it get out of control before they try tackling it, thereby adding to the myth of cut-of-control wild fires caused by so called climate change!”
Other effects, Shoehorne concedes, are somewhat more difficult to achieve, requiring much more effort. “Those flash floods, for instance, require quite a bit of heavy plant and available labour,” he explains. “They wait until there are forecasts of torrential rain for a particular area, then rush their teams there and hire lots of excavators and the like.” The climate saboteurs, the former British National Party election organiser told The Shite, then, prior to any downfall, weaken river banks, create dams at strategic points and dig new channels to divert river water into the sewage systems of nearby towns. “When the rains rise and the river levels rise, the weakened banks give way and local sewers are overwhelmed,” he says. “Then, as things start to flood, they blow those dams, artificially causing more flooding. Again, it all looks bloody spectacular on the TV news.” Things like melting glaciers are even trickier to achieve, with Shoehorne claiming that these are achieved by teams of saboteurs armed with blow torches heating them up under cover of darkness. “I strongly suspect that the supposed melting of the icecaps is achieved by a similar method – but on a larger scale,” he muses. “I mean, it is surely no coincidence that cruises to the Arctic and Antarctic have suddenly become popular – what else are all those people doing other than sabotaging the poles while they are there?”
But exactly who are these gangs of international climate saboteurs working for? What sinister forces are behind the climate change conspiracy? “It’s surely obvious, isn’t it?” responds Shoehorne. “It’s the powerful green energy lobby backed by the World Economic Forum (WEF) and their friends in the Bilderberg Group. They’ve been trying to displace the carbon-based and nuclear energy industries for decades but, despite their powerful supporters, they’ve never managed to persuade the public to convert to green energy – the fact is that it is too serious and po faced. Electric cars, for instance, might be cleaner, but petrol is just more fun! Revving that engine, hearing it growl and seeing those exhaust fumes pouring out of the tail pipe – tell me that isn’t more fun than the smooth, bland silence of an electric vehicle?” To counteract the ‘fun factor’, Shoehorne argues, the green energy lobby and its allies decided to neutralise it with the ‘fear factor’, devising the fake climate crisis. “Greenpeace, Just Stop Oil and all the other environmental groups – they’re just so many fronts for the conspiracy, their campaigns designed to whip up more fear and hysteria. Don’t believe their lies – even if ‘going green’ did mean cleaner air, lower energy prices and saving the environment, it just isn’t worth the cost to our freedom!” he pleads. “In truth it is simply part of the long-term plans of the WEF to restrict our personal liberties and enslave us all. All under cover of saving the world and providing us with cheap and clean energy. “
Shoehorne’s claims have been widely dismissed by the scientific community, which have described them as ‘ill informed’, ‘insane’ and ‘demented cobblers’. “This really is one last desperate roll of the dice by the climate change deniers,” opines Dr Zeb Hackler, Senior Lecturer in Climate Studies at East Acton College of Animal Husbandry. “As the evidence of climate change – the wild fires, the flooding, the ice caps melting – becomes undeniable, they come up with this bollocks to try and sustain their fantasies. They’re not even trying to come up with rational arguments, or even pseudo science, any more, just fairy tales instead!” Hackler has his own theories on climate change, however. “Quite clearly it is man made, the result of too many carbon emissions. But I believe that it is deliberate,” he says. “A conspiracy of petro-chemical industries and oil rich governments are intent upon melting the polar ice caps so as to better exploit the mineral resources that lie beneath these currently ice-locked areas. Right now, it just isn’t cost effective, but if clear of ice and with higher temperatures, it could be, especially in view of the fact that the depletion of current oil resources required to raise global temperatures to achieve this would have correspondingly increased oil prices.”
Hackler’s theories have, like Shoehorne’s, found no support in either scientific or political circles. He has, nonetheless, won praise from some quarters for at least creating a conspiracy that can be enjoyed by those in progressive circles. “It is refreshing to see something like this, that challenges the usual conspiracy conventions,” commented Hank Herkowitz, editor of My Conspiracy Weekly. “Conspiracy theory has become far too dominated by extreme right-wing crackpots of late – they always bring it back to being about the Jews and that’s just so old hat!”
