Prime Minister David Cameron stands accused of deliberately undermining the ‘Better Together’ campaign in order to ensure a ‘Yes’ vote in this week’s referendum on Scottish independence. “Why else was he so insistent on making those personal appearances in Scotland when everybody knows that the posh bastard is poison to the local population?” asks Hamish McBum, a Labour councillor in Kilmarnock and supporter of ‘Better Together’. “Just the sight of him is enough to guarantee the ‘Yes’ campaign an extra half a million votes, let alone the sound of his plummy tones condescendingly telling us how much better we’ll be if we remain in the Union. Damn it, I even found myself seriously considering voting for independence during his last bloody campaign speech.” Cameron surprised Scottish voters when he arrived in Edinburgh at the head of a parade of Tory MPs and prominent Tory supporters, all clad in traditional Highland dress, beating drums and waving Union jacks. Startled onlookers saw the kilt-clad Premier tossing a caber as he strode down the Scottish capital’s main thoroughfare, with Chancellor George Osborne at his side, playing ‘Scotland the Brave’ on his bagpipes. “It was horrible. I can’t think of anything more likely to offend Scottish people,” thirty eight year old Mary McArse, who witnessed the debacle whilst out shopping, told the Scottish Daily Excess. “It got even worse when he started speaking – he kept saying things like ‘Och aye the noo’ and ‘Hoots mon, I’m Scottish, I am’ all in that posh English accent of his, It was excruciatingly embarrassing. I’m just thankful that he didn’t try to reinforce his ‘Scottishness’ by demonstrating that he wore nothing under his kilt, although my friend swears she saw his ‘wee dirk’. But I think that was just the way he was standing.” The government has subsequently rubbished reports that George Osborne lifted his kilt during the rally, to reveal a Saltire painted on his left buttock and a cross of St George on the right.
There is a growing suspicion that the ‘Better Together’ campaign has deliberately been so negative, focusing on scare stories about the alleged disastrous economic consequences of voting for independence, so as to alienate Scottish voters and guarantee a victory for the ‘Yes’ camp. “It’s the only credible explanation for a campaign so dismal that it has turned a ten point opinion poll lead into a down to the wire neck-and-neck finish,” muses McBum. “It’s obvious that the Tory bastards want to cast Scotland adrift. Think about it, not only will they get rid of half of Labour’s MPs, but the fact is that Scotland is far more pro-EU than the rest of the UK. Getting rid of us means that the Old Etonian git will be able to win any referendum on EU membership, keeping the right wing of his party happy!” The idea that the Prime Minister might be prepared to destroy the Union in order to guarantee a perpetual Tory majority in the remainder of the UK has been dismissed by most political experts, with many pointing out that they are already sufficiently unpopular in England and Wales that they could still struggle to form a government after the next general election. “That said, the speculation regarding an EU membership referendum, seen against the possibility of another hung parliament,” muses Professor Henry McCavity, Chair of Political Science at the Stenhousemuir Craft Institute. “In such circumstances, protecting the Tory vote from UKIP would be vital, so the ability to deliver a guaranteed EU referendum victory would be essential for Cameron.”
However, some critics of the way the ‘Better Together’ campaign was conducted suspect that the government has far darker motives for wanting a ‘Yes’ vote. “The fact is that the bastards are running out of scapegoats – in less than five years they’ve already run through the disabled, immigrants, the poor and public sector workers,” political activist Ben Doon told tabloid Shite in Scotland earlier this week. “They need a new hate figure for the electorate to blame for the recession and deflect attention away from their friends the bankers and their own inept economic policies.” With a ‘Yes’ vote, Doon argues, not only will Scotland gain independence, but every Scot in the remainder of the UK will automatically become a foreigner. Worse than that, an illegal immigrant. “Trust me, when Cameron makes his televised address once the result of the referendum is announced, it won’t be to congratulate Scotland on becoming the world’s newest independent state,” he told the newspaper. “He’ll condemn every Scots person living South of the border as a scrounging bastard who has no passport stamps or visas to prove that they entered the UK legally!”
Indeed, there is already growing evidence of anti-Scottish feeling in England in the wake of the aggressive campaign waged by the ‘Yes’ camp in the referendum. “If they hate being part of Britain so much, why don’t they just bugger off back North now?” asked one caller to a local radio phone in about the referendum. “They come down here, stealing our jobs, claiming our benefits, marrying our women and passing on their bloody genes for red hair and alcoholism!” Doon fears that such prejudices will be amplified ten fold following a ‘Yes’ vote, with the government stoking up the hatred. “It’s perfect from their point of view – everyone hates the Scots anyway,” he told the tabloid. “We’re already perceived as drunk, obese and aggressive – add illegal immigrants to that and you’ve got the perfect scapegoats.” He further speculated that, in the event of a ‘Yes’ vote, the police will immediately start rounding up any Scots people South of the border and interring them in specially built camps, prior to deporting them.
“It’s an obvious move,” he opines. “Think of all the jobs they’ll create for English people by kicking the Scots out, not to mention the savings in benefits payments. Then there’s all the housing stock that will be freed up once they’ve evicted and deported the Scots.” Doon also believes that by emptying renal wards and liver units of Scots, the government hopes to save millions in health costs. Whilst dismissing Doon’s claims as ‘wild speculation’, a government spokesperson did concede that the measures he described could, potentially, save the nation billions of pounds in the event of Scottish independence. “Just think of the savings we could make in the law and order budget if we didn’t have all those Scottish drunks being sick and violent in our streets,” the spokesperson mused. “Anti-social behaviour would become a thing of the past if we got rid of those uncouth louts. The more I think about it, the more it seems that Scottish independence could be the best thing ever to happen to England.”