Critics of the Prime Minister are claiming that Boris Johnson’s recent trip to Ukraine – ostensibly a diplomatic mission in support of the Kiev government in the face of Russian aggression – is nothing more than an attempt to distract the British electorate from the ongoing ‘partygate’ furore. “What other credible reason can there be for him being in Ukraine?” asks Labour foreign affairs spokesperson Mick Trollock. “I mean, it isn’t as if the UK is going to commit military forces. (even if we still had any after ten plus years of Tory defence cuts), is it? So what’s the point, other than distraction? He’s bloody desperate to get people to look the other way.” Desperate enough to start a war as a distraction? That’s the theory being floated by conspiracist Tom Rippel, who believes that Johnson’s real mission in Ukraine is to provoke Russia’s President Putin into an invasion. “Lets face it, a political leader who spent the pandemic ignoring his own rules and partying on down can hardly speak with any moral authority when warning President Putin that there will be consequences to any misbehaviour on Russia’s part, can they?” he reasons. “After all, consequences are precisely what Johnson says there shouldn’t be as a response to crossing legal and moral lines. But a war is always a good distraction from domestic troubles – just look at what the Falklands war did for Thatcher.”
Even better is a war in which the UK won’t be directly involved, so that all the initial euphoria and jingoism won’t be soured by the continual press coverage of body bags being flown home as the casualties mount. “Just look at how enthusiasm for UK involvement in Afghanistan quickly waned.,” explains Rippel. “So, I’m confidently predicting that we’ll Johnson standing at the border with Russia, baring his fat arse toward Moscow and shouting ‘See how I salute, thee, President Putin!’. Mick Trollock, however, has dismissed this claim, pointing out that the odds of Putin actually seeing John’s exposed buttocks would be fairly slim. “Obviously, you can’t expect Putin to be in visual range of any random bit of the Russia-Ukraine border at any given time,” he opines. “OK, so he might see it on TV, or maybe via satellite imagery, but I just don’t think this would be a credible way to stoke up tensions in the region.” The Labour MP instead believes that Johnson will most likely take a lesson from his own recent experiences in order to try and upset the Russian President. “Johnson knows the effectiveness of a sudden cake ambush,” he says, referring to the recently revealed lockdown surprise birthday party for the Prime Minister, at which he was, allegedly, ambushed in the cabinet room by an iced cake. “I think it likely that he’s planning to have a specially made cake delivered to the Kremlin, with a message like ‘Kiss My Dick’ or some such iced on it. Maybe also some of those little figures on top, depicting Putin taking it up the chutney from his Ukrainian counterpart.”
Johnson’s cake-related distraction tactics are also seemingly being deployed on the home front, with an announcement expected soon on the setting up of an investigation into Whitehall cake ambushes. “Rumours are rife that the Prime Minister’s ambushing with a cake wasn’t an isolated incident,” explains Tory back bench MP Rolfe Brute, one of Boris Johnson’s leading supporters within the party. “There has been a lot of speculation that some kind of cake wielding fiend has been terrorising cabinet ministers in the very seat of government. It is clearly in the public interest that these claims are thoroughly investigated.” Trollock is unconvinced, believing that this ‘investigation’ is a sham, another attempt by Johnson to distract public attention from his own wrong doings. “It is utterly ridiculous – nobody is calling for such an enquiry,” he says. “Mainly because nobody has been attacked with a cake, in Whitehall or anywhere else. Once again, Johnson and his cronies are trying to shift blame to some mythical threat to British society – if it isn’t asylum seekers or climate activists, then it is phantom cake flingers. Utterly pathetic!” Trollock believes that this proposed investigation is a sign of Johnson’s desperation, his earlier attempts at distraction having failed. “Let’s not forget that his initial response in the commons to the Gray Report into all those lockdown parties under his roof was to pint and shout ‘Look! There’s a fish at the window!’, but nobody turned around,” he recalls. “He then instead tried to smear Keir Starmer with a lie about him not prosecuting Jimmy Savile.”
Nevertheless, there have been unconfirmed reports of various cabinet ministers having been involved in mysterious cake-related incidents. “Several sources have claimed that Micheal Gove was found slumped across his desk in the Cabinet Office, his trousers around his ankles and a chocolate eclair shoved up his arse,” says Tom Rippel. “While there have been murmurings about cream cake based auto-erotic activities, the reality is that it would have been extremely difficult for him to have shoved it up there himself. For his part, Gove has allegedly told his staff that all he remembers is blacking out, then waking up in front of a gaggle of shocked office assistants, bare arsed and with a cream cake up his jacksie.” According to Rippel, there have also been reports that, at one of those allegedly illegal Christmas parties, Dominic Raab stumbled out of a Downing Street stationary cabinet, wearing only his underpants and smeared, from head to foot, with chocolate mud cake “Then there was that incident where Jacob Rees-Mogg was struck in the face with a three-tier iced wedding cake, knocking his top hat off, as he left the Houses of Parliament,” muses Rippel. “Clearly, all the signs are that there is a serial cake assaulter on the loose, lying in wait with cakes for random ministers to pass by!”
But who is behind the alleged attacks? Despite claims on some right-wing conspiracy web sites that they are being perpetrated by the spectre of Jimmy Savile, as resurrected by Labour leader Keir Starmer in a secret occult ceremony, their identity remains unknown. “Obviously, this is a major security issue,” says Rolfe Brute. “The public has a right to know if the government is under threat in this way. I mean, if a rogue birthday cake can get into Number Ten and take the Prime Minister by surprise, then nobody is safe. Personally, I think that a full police investigation is warranted!” In a worrying development, the mysterious cake molestor seems to be escalating their threat, with the latest victim – Foreign Secretary Liz Truss – having been struck with a trifle. “She was so traumatised that she couldn’t accompany the PM to Ukraine,” explains Brute. “This escalation to chilled desserts is very concerning. What if they were to escalate it further, to flinging hot puddings? The idea of Rishi Sunak getting struck in the groin by a steaming hot suet pudding just doesn’t bear thinking about, does it?”
