“Learn to live in peace, or prepare to be put across our knees and given a bloody good thrashing!” According to one of Britain’s top astronomers, this is the chilling warning that aliens have given world leaders. Dr Ryan Arselander claims that the ultimatum was given at a secret conference held at Balmoral Castle last month. “Apparently they’ve been watching us for centuries, and have become alarmed at humanity’s increasing belligerence,” says the bespectacled forty-seven year old stargazer. “They’re worried that our lack of discipline will result in us spreading our nuclear weapons and aggression to outer space. So the Intergalactic Security Council has sent one of its strictest enforcers to whip us into line!” Even before the secret conference, the aliens had already given a demonstration of their terrifying powers, neutralising some of the world’s top weapons experts, including Arselander’s brother-in-law, a nuclear physicist employed at the Atomic Weapons Establishment (AWE) in Aldermaston. “He was driving home one night, when he found the road blocked by a huge glowing object – next thing he knew, he was naked and strapped to a metal table in a strange room,” the astronomer says. “He spent what seemed like days being systematically beaten, tortured and humiliated by strange beings clad in weird tight-fitting black space suits.” When the atomic scientist was eventually found by police staggering around a Reading shopping centre, dishevelled, unkempt, reeking of urine and begging passers-by for loose change, he was a gibbering wreck, completely incapable of continuing his vital defence work. “Incredibly, although he was convinced that his ordeal had lasted for several days, he was missing for less than twenty four hours,” declares Arselander. “Of course, nobody believed him at first – the police charged him with being drunk and disorderly, my sister threw him out and the AWE suspended him as a security risk on account of his supposed binge-drinking habit.” However, the attitude of the authorities soon changed when it emerged that, all over the world, key defence workers had suffered similar experiences, leaving them unable to continue with their work. “All of them reported that their captors had kept shouting ludicrous instructions at them – to stand on one leg, beg like a dog, or drink their own urine, for instance. If they failed to comply, they were whipped and beaten,” Arselander claims. “Only when they had learned absolute obedience and had become completely submissive, were they released.” This, fears Arselander, could be the fate awaiting the whole of humanity if our leaders fail to comply with the aliens’ ultimatum.

Having seen some of their top scientists spanked into submission, the world’s leaders were forced to take the messages picked up by radio telescopes, demanding a secret summit, seriously. “Nobody really knew what to expect when they gathered at Balmoral, then, without warning, a flying saucer landed on the lawn at Balmoral,” says Arselander. “Despite massive security, it had succeeded in penetrating British airspace completely undetected!” The gathered global leaders waited in trepidation as the saucer’s door opened and the alien delegation emerged. “There were two of them – a space suited, but obviously human figure, and a huge silver automaton in the shape of a statuesque woman, stern faced, with her metallic hair drawn back in a severe bun,” recalls Arselander, with a shudder. “As he stood on the ship’s ramp, the space suited one ordered everyone present to bend over and prepare to be chastised!” Naturally, this order wasn’t well received by the gathered heads of state and government and, in a fit of bravado, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin attempted to rush the aliens. “He probably thought his special forces training would allow him to overcome them,” says the astronomer. “But before he’d gone more than a couple of yards the silver woman had intercepted him – it was amazing how fast she moved in those stiletto heels!” The automaton proceeded to bend the hapless Putin over her huge knee, pull down his trousers and pants and administer a ferocious bare-arsed spanking. “After seeing one of the most powerful men in the world thrashed to within an inch of his life, the fight went out of them and they all bent over and showed the spaceman their arses,” he explains. “That’s when the humanoid one gave his ultimatum – he threatened that if they didn’t comply and disarm, an army of robots like his would be sent to give the entire Earth a bloody good spanking. He claimed that the Intergalactic Security Council had subdued entire star systems in this manner and placed them in eternal bondage!”

Naturally, Arselander claims, the shocked leaders have tried to keep news of the alien ultimatum secret whilst they formulate a response, in order to avoid mass panic. Nonetheless, word has leaked out and wild rumours of imminent invasions by armies of alien dominatrices are already circulating on the web. Surprisingly, not everyone is hostile to the idea. “It’s about bloody time somebody brought some discipline back to this planet,” declares fifty-one year old Glenn Tootland, a traffic warden and retired army sergeant from Preston. “That’s where all our problems stem from – youth running riot! If only they’re parents had given all their bottoms a damn good thrashing when they were young, we wouldn’t have young men from Bradford going around blowing themselves and half the London Underground up! It’s the same with Bush and Blair – they’re just bullies, throwing their weight around and intimidating Third World countries into giving them their oil and other resources. Trust me, the only way to deal with their sort is to get someone even bigger to come and give them a damn good kicking!” Indeed, Tootland and several hundred sympathisers plan to welcome the aliens, baring their bottoms on a Cumbrian mountainside this August Bank Holiday, the deadline set by the aliens for a response to their ultimatum. “It’s the intergalactically accepted sign of trust,” he explains, “that you are willing to turn your back and present your most vulnerable area to them.” In fact, Tootland is advising all humanity to follow his example if the aliens invade, assuring everyone that if their bottoms have nothing to fear as long as they’ve done nothing wrong. The authorities have, of course, denied the story completely, claiming that it is complete fiction and pointing out that Professor Arselander was recently put on indefinite sick leave from his post at the Royal Greenwich Observatory after it came to light that he had been using the powerful telescope there to peer at the bottoms of women in North London. Furthermore, his brother-in-law had been suspended from AWE after he was caught using radioactive material from nuclear warheads to try and enlarge his genitals. Both men, a government spokesperson claimed, had been under a great deal of stress.