British Prime Minister David Cameron has bowed to pressure and taken his official pornographers off of the public payroll. “It was a bloody disgrace,” says top trade unionist Teddy Screwer. “His government is busy cutting the jobs of tens of thousands of public servants, and Cameron is employing a couple of dirty film makers at the taxpayers’ expense!” The appointment of noted adult movie producer BJ Larro and top blue film director Rod Rummage, who had both served on the Tory leader’s campaign team during the General Election, as official Downing Street pornographers had caused many eyebrows to be raised in Westminster. However, a Tory insider has revealed that the move had been part of a wider presentational strategy. “When you’ve got a cabinet so chock-full of ministers with porn-star good looks, it would be criminal to waste the opportunity, wouldn’t it?” says party worker Vanessa Thung. “ It’s not like the last lot. I ask you, could you imagine Gordon Brown or Harriet Harman in a porn movie? Actually, you’d rather not. It’s horrible. Labour is still lagging behind us in this respect – I mean, there’s no way anyone would pay to see Ed Milliband naked and getting jiggy with it with a bevy of page three stunners, is there?”

According to the thirty eight year old Conservative Central Office employee, party grandees believe that the unpopularity that painful spending cuts will inevitably bring, can be off-set by psychologically associating the coalition government with pleasurable activities such as sex. “We’ve got to make unpalatable policies, quite literally, sexy,” she says. “If we can ensure that whenever we talk about the ‘Big Society’ the electorate immediately think of big knockers, for instance, then we’ll be home and dry as far as the next election is concerned.” The strategy has already been tested during the General Election, when Rummage and Larro had masterminded a series of ‘Party Pornographic’ broadcasts shown on adult pay TV channels. “The party’s leadership realised that they were running out of demographic groups to target,” explains Larro, producer of such politically-themed adult hits as Upstanding Members. “The so-called ‘dirty raincoat brigade’ were one of the last untapped electoral resources. These are people who normally have no interest in political issues beyond the legal age of consent. It is essential we engage with them via a medium they understand.”

The producer has no doubt that the strategy was successful, claiming that it resulted in three per cent swing toward the Tories in constituencies where porn channel subscriptions were highest. Indeed, veteran porn enthusiast and Adult TV lifetime subscriber Glenn Stiffrodd testifies as to the effectiveness of the campaign. “I’ll freely admit that I’d never had much of an interest in politics,” he told The Sleaze. “But after I saw that Tory Party Pornographic broadcast, every time I masturbated, I couldn’t help but associate reaching the vinegar stroke with cutting the deficit – it was a big factor in my decision to vote Tory at the last election!” However, sugar-coating government policies which would otherwise leave a bad taste in the mouth wasn’t the only reason for Cameron’s attempt to appoint a team of official pornographers. “Traditionally in this country, when a political sex scandal struck, it would always be characterised by grainy footage of ugly politicians getting their ends away in shabby hotel rooms. Is it any wonder we British find them so sordid?” opines Rummage, the creative force behind the likes of Big Ben Hammers the Iron Lady. “We want to bring some glamour to them – high productions values, attractive performers and a classy look. We want to make out sure that this country has political sex scandals it can be proud of!”

The director claims that he and Larro were charged with setting up a special unit attached to the Cabinet Office which, at the first hint of any breaking sex scandal involving a minister, would swing into action, ensuring that it would be favourably presented. “We were going to have teams of make- up artists, lighting technicians, fluffers and the like on call at all times,” he says. “We’d also scouted a whole load of readily available classy locations where we could shoot the official stills and films.” He also revealed that a stand-by list of attractive adult movie performers was drawn up, in the event that the ‘other party’ in any ministerial scandal was deemed not to be sufficiently photogenic, or was unsuitably ugly. “If we’re to present these things in a sympathetic light, then we have to ensure that it all looks as glamourous as possible – that includes the slappers,” Rummage points out. “We can’t have the public thinking that rich, powerful and attractive people like our ministers will poke any old slag – that would send the wrong message entirely, implying that they’re so desperate, depraved and psychologically inadequate that they’ll stick their John Thomases just about anywhere in a pathetic attempt to demonstrate their masculinity.”

The pair are adamant that several sexual scandals could already have been avoided if they had been retained on the official payroll. “If we’d been up and running at the time of that Hague business, there’d have been no embarrassing questions about his sexuality,” says Rummage. “Believe me, we would have had full colour, high resolution glossy photos of him rogering some big busted blonde bird in that hotel room plastered all over the papers. Nobody would have dared suggest that he might be gay!” Despite having been forced to drop Larro and Rummage from the civil service payroll, rumours are rife that they will continue to be employed by the Conservative Party, in a privately-funded pornography unit. Former Tory Party Vice-Chairman Lord Rinctum – one of the alleged backers of this unit – cast further light on the government’s motivation for employing the pornographers in remarks he made at the recent British Porn Awards. “It’s essential that we start producing good, high-class porn again – too much of the market these days is dominated by titles like Council Estate Slags and Factory Fellatio, clearly aimed at the unsophisticated working class market,” he declared whilst presenting the award for Best Simulated Orgasm in an Adult Motion Picture. “We need to be making stuff that will arouse the affluent middle classes and stimulate them into increased copulation. Otherwise, there’s a real danger that the lower classes – with their access to cheap mass-market smut to keep them horny – will significantly outbreed Conservative voters.”

These comments have sparked speculation that the real purpose of the official pornographers was to have been to make ‘pornographic information films’ aimed at middle class voters. For its part, the government has steadfastly denied ever employing Larro and Rummage, adding that it has never had any plans to feature ministers in soft-core porn films for party political purposes. “It’s an absolutely ridiculous idea,” declared a spokesperson. “I mean, does anyone seriously think that someone like David Cameron really needs soft-focus camera work and flattering lighting to make him look virile and handsome? The man’s a bloody sex God as it is – he just oozes testosterone!”