A former White House insider has revealed that President Bush is privately claiming divine inspiration for his foreign policies. “He told his cabinet that he had had a holy vision whilst he was choking on that pretzel,” claims Dick Peddler, until recently an aide to the President. “Apparently The Almighty took the form of Richard M. Nixon to tell him that we are now living in the ‘End Times’ and that he had miraculously won the Presidential election despite polling less that half the votes, so that he could guide the righteous to salvation at the coming Armageddon!” According to Peddler, Bush – a born again Christian – took little convincing that the apocalypse was near. “He told us that all the portents were there – bizarre beasts such as Michael Jackson roamed the Earth, the rise of an evil world government in the form of the UN, hell-bent on undermining US national power whilst giving comfort to her enemies, and Satan stalked the land in the form of Jacques Chirac,” recalls the former aide. “In his vision Nixon apparently told Bush that he had been chosen to lead the war against the sinners and deviants – including gays, liberals, drug users and non-conformists – who were polluting the earth’s natural spirituality!” Religiosity quickly gripped the White House in the wake of Bush’s vision, with daily prayer meetings being held in the Oval Office. “The President has had an altar built on his desk, at which he and his inner cabinet – dressed in white religious robes – worship their pantheon of prophets – Nixon, Barry Goldwater, General MacArthur, Teddy Roosevelt and the like, ” Peddler claims. “I’ve even heard rumours of Donald Rumsfield sacrificing chickens and goats in there in order to appease their vengeful God!”

Alarmingly, Bush has even brought former President Ronald Reagan back into his inner circle. “He’s officially described as a Special Advisor, but they actually see him as some kind of Old Testament prophet, speaking in tongues and spewing out cryptic prophecies. However, everyone else simply sees him as a drooling senile old fool, wandering around the corridors ranting and raving incoherently when he’s not pissing and crapping all over the floor! Its so humiliating for the poor old man,” says a disgusted Peddler. Terrifyingly, Bush now believes that it is his duty to actually bring about Armageddon in order to save the world! “Why else do you think that he’s so intent on ripping up the Kyoto agreement and other anti-pollution measures?” asks Peddler. “He believes that only the sinners will choke and die on their own evil emissions – the chosen righteous few will survive! Its for the same reason he has blocked plans to licence Third World countries to produce drugs for treating HIV and related illnesses – he believes that AIDS was a judgement upon homosexuals for their ungodly deviant behaviour and that this ‘cleansing plague’ should be allowed to run its course!” Even more disturbing has been the Bush Administration’s apparent determination to rip up existing biological, chemical and nuclear arms control agreements. “Bush is planning to develop a new generation of hitherto banned weapons of mass destruction which will specifically target his unholy enemies,” Peddler reveals. “He’s gathered together the largest group of mad scientists seen since the heyday of the Third Reich to develop them!”

Foremost amongst these new weapons is the so-called ‘Surface to Arse Missile’ – a miniature missile warhead designed to home in solely on homosexuals and embed itself in their back-passages before exploding. “At least they’ll die with a smile on their face,” chuckles Dr Julius Drooper, the somewhat sinister new chief scientific advisor to the President, and the mastermind behind these weapons. “Its development was made possible by the identification of the ‘gay gene’ – the missile’s guidance system is capable of detecting this gene from up to five miles away and homing in on it! This represents a quantum leap forward in homophobia – in the past we could only detect these socially maladjusted undesirables in our midst through such clues as limp wrists, drooping moustaches and a predilection for listening to Barbara Streisand, and could only combat them through such crude means as a good kicking! ”

According to Drooper the US is also hoping to develop a ‘Gay Bomb’ – a form of nuclear device emitting radiation harmful only to those possessing the ‘gay gene’. “If such a device was detonated above, say, San Francisco, then within mere hours the target population would be experiencing hair loss, vomiting, anal bleeding and severe burns – all normal people would be completely unaffected. Within forty-eight hours the whole area would be cleansed,” he enthuses. “Our scientists are currently working to isolate the genes responsible for other undesirable anti-social behaviour, including drug abuse, child molesting, liberalism, socialism, poverty, peaceniks and Islam. We hope to have genetically specific weapons to target all of these ills within the next five years!” Ultimately, Peddler felt that he had no choice but to resign, feeling that such policies conflicted with some of his own ‘lifestyle choices’. “I felt that the world should know just what kind of lunatic is in control of the USA,” he declares. “The President is totally obsessed, interpreting every world event in Biblical or prophetic terms! The opposition of ‘Old Europe’ to his Middle Eastern war plans is evidence of a ‘New Rome’ arising to destroy Israel, for instance!”

However, not all commentators are convinced that Bush’s policies are the result of a new religious mania sweeping the White House. “Frankly, I believe its just down to stupidity. I mean, when he blocked the deal to give African nations access to cheap drugs, didn’t he say ‘Godammit, I had to pay full price for my fixes, why the hell should they get a free ride?’,” says veteran political analyst Jacob Keister. “People forget, until his Granddaddy struck oil, the Bushes were a family of degenerate inbred backwoods hillbillies – with the oil money Granddaddy moved them north and had them taught to speak properly and dress fancy. The clues to their heritage are there in the names – Jeb, Junior and so on – and the vacant stares. Dubya is a simple soul who’d much rather spend his time sitting on the White House veranda wearing dungarees, sipping moonshine from a jug whilst twanging his banjo and eating road-kill. Consequently, he’s easily led by big business and the military.”

A differing view has been put forward by Professor Bob Mincer of Balham University: “Its obvious that his dick is too small and he isn’t getting enough – in fact, after all those years of drink and drug abuse he’s probably impotent and can’t get it up! I mean, when Bill Clinton – a world class shagger wiith a huge penis – was in power, there was a significant reduction in global conflict. Obviously, all this arms build up and warmongering is simply a surrogate for Bush’s lost virility – nuclear missiles are about the most obvious penis substitute in the world! A damn good dose of viagra should sort the bastard out and ensure world peace!”