“Where was Batman?” This was the cry that went up around the US as shocked Americans watched a crazed mob of Trump-supporting neo Nazi weirdos and white supremacists stormed the Capitol Building and tried to overthrow Congress as it ratified Joe Biden’s victory in the recent Presidential election. With the Capitol police overwhelmed and President Trump refusing to deploy the National Guard, news reporters, political commentators and general public alike started to question the absence of the country’s legion of superheroes. “As soon as I saw this attempted coup unfolding on TV, I thought, ‘Don’t worry, no faster than you can say “Holy Sedition”, Superman, Batman or Wonder Woman are going to turn up to save American democracy’,” Laura Feebold, a twenty six year old online influencer from Delaware told top tabloid The Weekly World Shopper. “But no, not one of them showed up! I mean, You would have thought that at least Spiderman might have turned up to defend the US Capitol Building from marauding fascists. I feel terribly let down by the superhero no-show yesterday. Clearly, popular culture has been lying to me all my life – it had led me to believe that whenever truth and justice were threatened, men (and women) in capes would turn up to set things right!” Her sentiments are echoed by Herb Pathtec, a thirty two year old professional gamer from Oregon. “Damn it, not even Captain America, the very embodiment of American values, representing all that is good and great about the US, couldn’t be bothered to turn up when his country was truly in need,” he told followers of his blog. “Even The Fonz came closer to intervening when he used Twitter to call for Trump to be shot by communists and strung up from a gas station!”
Hopes of a superhero intervention in the Capitol siege were briefly raised when eighties Batman movie star Michael Keaton tweeted some strong anti-Trump rhetoric, but sadly failed to back it up by donning his ‘Bat Suit’ and confronting Trump’s terrorists. When questioned by the Weekly World Shopper as to why Batman hadn’t been called to the Capto; as the crisis unfolded, a Defense Department spokesperson pointed out that the Caped Crusader operated out of Gothan City, not Washington DC – which didn’t have a Bat-signal – and was an entirely fictitious character. “Sadly, none of our billionaires seem inclined to do anything as useful as dressing in latex and fighting crime,” the spokesperson opined. “They seem to be more interested in sending rockets to Mars.” In the wake of the controversy over the superhero absences at the Capitol, many comics fans are claiming that the whole insurrection had been predicted several years ago in a legendary ‘lost’ movie. “Everyone nowadays knows about the ‘Snyder Cut’, the original version of DC’s Justice League movie, which has only just resurfaced, but few realise that there was an earlier, never completed, Justice League directed by documentary maker Michael Moore,” claims Pathtec. “It was considered too politically radical by executives at Warner Brothers, who cancelled production and suppressed the footage that had already been shot.” Although pre-dating the rise of Trump, the planned movie, according to Pathtec and other geeks, was remarkably prescient.
“it features America in the grip of a crooked millionaire President who has hypnotised large swathes of the public into voting for him, but after Bruce Wayne devises a way of breaking his grip over enough of them to vote him out of power, the president mobilises his army of crazy extremists and xends them to destroy Congress!” Pathtec told the Weekly World Shopper. “There was a fantastic scener where Batman drives the Batmobile up the steps of the Capitol Building, before leaping out and beating up random Nazis!” Superman, meanwhile, according to comics fans, gets into the Capitol building and uses his superpowers to whisk Senators and Representatives to safety. “It all culminated with Batman facing off against the Vice President, who had been mutated into a super-being with thick fur and horns!” enthuses Pathtec. “In the end it takes the combined efforts of Superman and Batman to take him down! It’s quite incredible – as if Michael Moore had been able to see into the future!” In the lost movie, the evil President – portrayed as being overweight with bleached blonde hair and a Russian dominatrix ex-KGB handler/wife – is dealt with by Wonder Woman. “She’d infiltrated the white House in her Diana Prince persona, under cover of being an intern,” says the uber-nerd. “When, aroused by his attempt to overthrow democracy, the President tries to sexually molest her, she transforms into Wonder Woman and ensnares him in her ‘Golden Lasso’, forcing him to tell the truth on live TV!”
The President’s forced confession was the scene which, allegedly, led to studio chiefs shutting down production on the movie. “Not only does Wonder Woman force him to confess to crimes like sedition and treason, but she also gets him to admit to touching up numerous women, groping their breasts and grabbing their asses,” explains Pathtec. “As a final humiliation, she gets him to admit to jerking off in the Oval Office, while watching videos of Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin, before wiping his cock on the American flag!” It was when director Michael Moore refused to remove this reference to the desecration of the American flag, arguing that it was essential to illustrating the utter unpatriotic depravity of his villain, that production was shut down. “The execs apparently told him that he could have the jerking off references, but the flag being used as a wank sock had to go,” claims Pathtec. “They tried to salvage the footage they had – offering the project to other directors, but nobody would touch it. You have to remember that this was when the right was on the rise and lot of those Hollywood assholes were closet fascists!”
Warner Brothers have categorically denied the existence of any such film project. “If nothing else, we’d never employ Michael Moore to direct a non-documentary and not on political grounds – have you seen his only attempt at a feature film?” said a studio spokesperson. “The fact is that no footage of this nature exists or ever has existed. Rumours of the film’s existence are merely the overheated fantasies of comic book fans with too much time on their hands.” Back in the ‘real’ world, Laura Feebold has started a Twitter campaign aimed at persuading patriotic billionaires to use their vast fortunes to become masked vigilantes, amid speculation that Elon Musk might be planning to become a real-life Batman. “The trouble is that he’d be really crap,” ponders Pathtec. “He’d probably dress as a muskrat and drive around in an electrically powered ‘Muskmobile’. Worst of all, he’d undoubtedly side with all the other rich bastards and crooks. Mind you, that would be the ‘American Way’, wouldn’t it?”
