A retired Sussex book-keeper is lobbying parliament to bring in mandatory public autopsies for deceased serial killers. “Just killing them isn’t enough,” Irving Hooley has told the Daily Mail. “Unless Hollywood horror blockbusters such as the Halloween and Friday the Thirteenth series have lied to me, serial killers frequently return from beyond the grave to wreak further supernatural havoc and take revenge upon their former enemies! I mean, even after he’s killed with a machete through the head in The Final Chapter, it only takes a quick bolt of lightning to get Jason back up on his feet in Part VI – Jason Lives! Worse than that, Michael Myers gets his head cut off in Halloween H20, but still manages to come back for a sequel! Its obvious that only dismemberment and the subsequent cremation of each individual body part and organ is the only safe way to deal with these monsters!” Hooley believes that the authorities are well aware of the problem, but are covering it up for fear of causing widespread panic. “Why else did they have police officers guarding Moors Murderess Myra Hindley’s body before she was buried last year, eh? They obviously feared that her bloated corpse would break out and go on another child-killing spree!” he says. “In fact, I have it on good authority that her body stirred twice during the night before her funeral, climbing out of her coffin and attempting to strangle one of the guards! Luckily they managed to force her back into the coffin with flaming torches and crucifixes. The lid had to be bolted on and secured with chains!”

However, only two days after Hindley’s burial, a young child was reported missing only three miles from the notorious child killer’s last resting place. The child’s mother, woken from a vodka induced stupor by her child’s cries, claimed to have rushed to her daughter’s bedroom in time to see her baby being carried off by a white- shrouded figure. “It was deathly pale with wild hair – it was definitely female,” she recalls. “It turned to look at me just before it leapt from the window – I’d swear it was Myra Hindley’s face, just like she’d looked in the papers, only even more demonic!” The child was later found wandering dazed and confused in the very church yard. Hindley was buried in! Although apparently unharmed, a medical examination revealed the child to be slightly anaemic and that it had several unexplained scratches on its neck. “It was clear to me that Hindley had returned from the grave a vampire – able only to exist by drinking the pure blood of innocent children,” says Hooley, who proceeded to dig up the killer’s body, decapitate it with a sexton’s shovel, drive a stake through its heart and boil the head in vinegar before burying it at a crossroads at midnight. Whilst there have been no further reports of child abductions in the area, the child’s mother was subsequently charged with neglect and her child taken into care.

Myra Hindley is not the only undead serial killer Hooley claims to have grappled with. “A few years ago I was alerted to a bizarre series of incidents in Gloucestershire involving a mysterious nocturnal builder,” he says. “He’d turn up at dusk offering to do jobs like laying a new driveway or patio, or putting up an extension, for very low prices. The only catch was that he only worked after dark – customers looking out of their windows in the small hours would see him toiling away, his cement mixer churning merrily!” According to Hooley, suspicions were aroused when one householder decided to investigate the mysterious lumps in his new driveway, only to discover three dead bodies under the tarmac. Another former customer had an unpleasant shock when she hosted a dinner party in her newly completed conservatory – a huge crack appeared in the wall during dessert and an evil stench issued forth. “At first everyone thought that someone had farted, so they pretended that there was nothing amiss – then the crack widened and a mouldering body tumbled forth,” reveals Hooley. The bodies turned out to be those of several missing young hitchhikers.

Hooley immediately suspected that Fred West, the infamous serial killing Gloucester builder who had hidden his victims’ bodies inside walls and under concrete floors at his home, and who had committed suicide whilst awaiting trial, had returned to his old stamping grounds. “Of course, the first thing I did was to find out where the mystery builder was doing his next job and lay in wait for him,” Hooley explains. “Just after midnight he arrived in an old van suffused with a mysterious glow and started work on a garden wall. I was immediately suspicious of the fact that his cement mixer was operating without a generator – I watched as, to my horror, he loaded a young woman’s lifeless corpse into the mixer, and I realised that it ran on blood! There was now no doubt in my mind that this was the living corpse of Fred West!” Grabbing the first object that came to hand – a pick-axe -Hooley lunged at the undead killer. Despite wounding West in the ensuing fight, the killer was able to fend Hooley off with a shovel and made a break for his van, covering his retreat by throwing bricks at the intrepid book-keeper. “I leapt into my car and followed the van back to West’s grave,” he says. “Dawn was breaking when I caught up with him just as he was about to slip back into his coffin.” Weakened by his wounds and the sunlight, West was unable to prevent Hooley from hacking him to pieces with the pick-axe. He subsequently cremated the dismembered body parts.

The authorities remain unimpressed by Hooley’s claims. “Mr Hooley is well known to us as a collector and dealer in serial killer memorabilia,” a spokesman for Sussex Constabulary told The Sleaze. “He has several times been cautioned for attempting to dig up the freshly buried corpses of notorious murderers for the purpose of dismembering them and selling the parts to other morbid collectors via his web site.” Indeed, police sources claim that the only reason Myra Hindley’s corpse had to be guarded was because they had been tipped off that Hooley was planning to steal it. “He also entered into a correspondence with Fred West’s imprisoned wife and accomplice Rosemary, even proposing marriage, in an attempt to find out if any of her husband’s victims remained undiscovered and if so, where the bodies were, so that he could dig them up and sell them,” says a police spokesperson.