“Those European bastards are trying to give us the bum’s rush! It’s all a plot to try and stop us from leaving the EU!” screams top Leave campaigner and Tory MP Clive Snivers, after learning that most of the wood pulp used in the production of the UK’s toilet rolls is imported from Sweden. “They know that our British Blitz spirit will help us withstand food and medicine shortages in the event of a ‘No Deal’ Brexit, but the bastards know that even the most stoic Britons are liable to crack if denied the ability to wipe their arses properly!” The possibility that toilet paper production could be highly vulnerable to any transport chaos caused by a ‘No Deal’ Brexit has been raised by leading Remain campaigner and Labour MP Malcolm Boggs. “I’ve already seen people panic buying the stuff in my local supermarket,” Boggs told The Sleaze. “They had three or four trolleys at a time, all packed full of family-sized packs of toilet rolls. Not the cheap stuff, either – this was quilted three-ply stuff. Either they are buying it to stack up in their ‘Brexit Bunkers’ or they’ve got a life-threatening dose of the shits!”

The Labour MP has expressed his fear that a post ‘No Deal’ Brexit shortage of toilet paper could lead to serious civil unrest across the UK. “I worry that those who haven’t stockpiled toilet rolls or without the financial means to access black market supplies might well be forced into drastic action. They might become sufficiently desperate to try using such other household items as scouring pads or wire wool to wipe themselves instead – with dire consequences,” he muses. “If anything is likely to cause rioting, it is an epidemic of sore arses rubbed raw by caustic toilet tissue substitutes.” He also highlighted the additional strain that badly bleeding bottoms could put on the National Health Service. “Casualty departments could be overwhelmed,” he speculates. “The situation would be aggravated by the fact that the world’s best jacksie consultants come from Eastern Europe and, with Brexit pending, many have already left the NHS and returned home!” Bogg believes that the government might be forced to deploy troops to prevent mobs of toilet brush wielding citizens from storming Downing Street as they protest the treatment of their behinds, post-Brexit. “I don’t know about you, but I find it deeply disturbing that this is where we are – contemplating not being able to wipe our arses properly after 29 March,” he opines. “We’re facing the prospect of martial law being imposed after a possible ‘No Deal’ Brexit if serious civil unrest breaks out as a result of the toilet paper shortages. Once again, the government’s incompetence and lack of preparation is taking us to the brink of disaster!”

The government has responded by claiming that it has made preparations for a possible post-Brexit toilet paper shortage. “We have contingency plans to set up distribution centres from which toilet paper from government stocks will be made available to the public,” junior Brexit minister Alex Ballcock told the Commons in response to a question from Boggs. “Obviously, it will have to be rationed: one roll per household per fortnight. We’ll be issuing strict guidelines on how many sheets should be used per dump.” Boggs remains unimpressed by the government’s proposals. “For God’s sake, that government issue toilet paper is totally inadequate,” he fumes. “It’s that horrible shiny stuff you find in school and museum toilets. Quite frankly, you might as well be wiping yourself with a brillo pad as use that stuff. Really, it offers no proper solution to the problem.” All the distribution of rationed stocks of government issue toilet paper would achieve, post-Brexit, would be to further fuel the black market in proper toilet paper, forcing its price ever higher.

“Sheets of three ply toilet paper could become the new currency,” says noted Brexit ‘Prepper’ Ralph Thobb, who admits that he already has a huge stock of toilet paper stashed away in his ‘Brexit Bunker’. “Just like cigarettes in prisons, toilet paper could become a means of exchange: five sheets, say, could buy you a tin of soup after Brexit. Who knows, perhaps even the colour might affect its value, according to the bathroom décor of the person selling the soup or other commodities.” There are, of course, other alternatives to toilet paper, as Thobb explains. “If you haven’t already stockpiled the stuff in your Brexit Bunker, I’d advise that you stop putting all those old newspapers out for recycling,” he says. “They could be like gold dust post-Brexit – cut them up into toilet-paper sized squares and you’ll find yourself sitting on the hottest commodity in Britain. People will be desperate to get their hands (not to mention arses) on your old newspapers. You could charge what you liked. Or, more likely post Brexit, barter them for vital tinned foods, although, obviously, a square of newspaper wouldn’t be as valuable as a sheet of real toilet paper. Ten squares to the soup tin, perhaps.”

Bogg has concerns that the use of newspaper as a toilet paper substitute could have dire consequences. “Even if people do use the old newspapers instead of the real thing, it could still cause problems, as, if the newsprint rubs off, they could find themselves with blackened backsides – which could cause race riots amongst the white supremacists,” he speculates. “I mean, just imagine the reaction of some hardened racist when they discover that their bum is now black? They’d probably start by spanking their own arses in order to punish the ‘black bastards’, before blaming political correctness imposed by the government and going onto the streets to protest.” Tory MP Snivers, however, sees a more positive side to using newspapers as toilet paper. “And to think, there were all those fools saying that print media was dead!” he chuckles. “Perhaps the one good thing to come out of Brexit will a resurgence of popularity for newspapers. Although not necessarily for their news content. Obviously.” Meanwhile, European Council President Donald Tusk has expressed the opinion that: “If only the British had more wholeheartedly embraced European values when they had the chance by adopting the bidet, then they wouldn’t be facing revolution post-Brexit, would they?” A remark which has left Snivers and his fellow Brexiteers furious. “It just goes to prove that the threat to our toilet paper is part of an EU plot to force us into becoming more ‘European’,” he fulminates. “By depriving us of it, they hope to force us into using that fiendish device the bidet which, in turn, will put us into a ‘continental’ mindset and susceptible to arguments to reverse the referendum result. The bastards!”