The arrest of White House aide Bobby Tremble promises an even greater political embarrassment for the Bush administration than that caused by the indictment of Vice-President Cheney’s former Chief of Staff Lewis Libby. Whilst Libby was indicted for his part in ‘outing’ a CIA agent, Tremble is being investigated for his part in ‘outing’ the President. Tremble’s arrest by FBI agents early yesterday morning has forced the White House to concede that photographs published in last week’s Weekly World Shopper tabloid, which appear to show Mr Bush and Mr Cheney participating in a gay marriage ceremony are, in fact, genuine. “It’s true, the President and Vice-President did undergo a Star Wars themed same sex marriage ceremony in 2003 at Camp David,” admitted Press Secretary Scott McClellan. “However, I would like to reassure the American people that – in spite of what appears to be overwhelming evidence – the President and Vice-President are not gay! I’m sure that there were very good reasons for them taking part in this event!” Whilst the administration struggled to placate the press, political reaction to the revelations has been, predictably, furious. “What in the hell were they thinking of, dressing up like a bunch of fruits an’ engagin’ in this sorry travesty of a betrothal? I mean, nuthin’ that goes on in Washington surprises me, but I’d have thought better of a good ol’ Texan boy like Dubya! Obviously those pinko Democrat pervos have got to the boy,” bellows Texan Representative Jackson Habelard III, who has called for the immediate impeachment and lynching of the President. “Damn it all, this is goin’ to undermine years of repressive legislation! The God damn homos are goin’ to be out recruitin’ in the streets after this!”

Perhaps the most controversial aspect of the photographs featured in the Shopper are that they show President Bush taking the female role in the ceremony. Dressed as Princess Leia, he is shown being given away by top advisor Karl Rove (clad in a gleaming C3P0 outfit), to a Han Solo costumed Cheney, whilst Donald Rumsfeld’s Chewbacca stands by as best man. “Bush is the bitch? Jesus Christ, this just gets worse,” splutters Habelard, clutching at his chest and gasping for breath. “As if two men gettin’ married wasn’t bad enough, they add insult to injury by upsettin’ the entire natural order of things! Everyone knows the President can never be subservient, for God’s sake! He’s gotta be on top at all times! There’s no way the VP should be the daddy!” Other politicians are not surprised by Bush’s subservient role in the relationship. “It’s obviously just an extension of their professional relationship,” observes Republican Senator Xander Butler. “Just look at how Bush behaves politically – he clearly prefers to react to events rather than take the initiative, relying on having Dick behind him. When it comes to policy, he likes to take it from behind – with the VP thrusting it to him from the back room.”

Some commentators suspect that the Bush gay wedding could have been the result of his father’s influence. “George Senior has always been a role model for his son, and they can be very competitive. Dubya always likes to go one better than his daddy, finishing the jobs he left incomplete – the toppling of Saddam, for instance,” postulates veteran political pundit Jacob Keister. “His daddy’s recent dallying with Bill Clinton may have convinced Dubya that the best way to top him this time is to actually marry a guy rather than just having an affair with one!” Indeed, Bush Senior’s obvious infatuation with fellow Former President Clinton has become the talk of Washington, with wild rumours that Barbara Bush is preparing to serve divorce papers on her husband, naming Clinton as co-respondent. “Apparently she’s furious with Clinton, accusing him of alienating her husband’s affections and corrupting her son’s moral values,” gasps Washington gossip columnist Hedy Inglenook. “There’s no doubt that George Senior goes weak at the knees and giggles like a schoolgirl every time he sees Bill!”

However, top celebrity conservative and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger – who officiated at the Bush-Cheney nuptials – has dismissed such speculation, believing that Bush and Clinton’s relationship remains purely platonic. “Listen, one thing hanging out in gyms with sweaty muscle-bound body builders taught me, it is that there’s nothing wrong with guys getting naked and openly admiring each other’s bodies,” he opines. “Not that I’m saying that Bush and Clinton have been getting naked together. But It would be impossible for anyone, male or female, to resist Bill Clinton’s obvious masculine allure! That doesn’t mean they’re sweeping the chocolate chimney together! I’m sure George is just appreciating Bill’s masculinity in the same way he would a work of art or a fine piece of engineering!” The Terminator star – who is pictured in the Weekly World Shopper dressed as Obi Wan Kenobi, blessing the happy couple with his fully-extended light sabre as he pronounces them married – has also shed some light on the political reasoning behind the wedding, claiming that it was part of a political contingency plan devised during the run-up to the 2004 Presidential election. “It looked like that Iraq thing was going to derail the election for Bush, so they decided to hold this secret wedding and hold it in reserve in case they needed to mobilise the gay vote,” he explains. “It is nothing new – Nixon and Kissinger did the same thing back in ’71! You should see the photos! It was a Sonny and Cher theme – Nixon’s droopy moustache is incredible! As for Kissinger’s wig, hell you have to see it to believe it!”

In the event, it did not prove necessary to try and tap into the pink constituency, so the wedding pictures were classified ‘Top Secret’ and locked away, and all the participants were sworn to secrecy. Nevertheless, for reasons which are still unclear, White House aide Tremble decided to leak the pictures to the press. “It’s a God damn homo plot to undermine the presidency,” fumes Representative Habelard. “They obviously think that if everyone believes one of them is in the Oval Office, the rest of us will accept buggery in the streets as normal behaviour!” Others believe Tremble may have been trying to protect the President. “He might just have thought that Bush’s poll ratings were so low, now was the time to try and court popularity with minority groups,” muses Keister. “Or maybe he was trying to divert attention away from the Libby business and Bush’s problems with his Supreme Court appointments. Then again, maybe he just did it for the money!”

Whatever the rationale behind the leaking of the pictures, not everyone perceives the revelations in negative terms. “Look, there’s nothing wrong in courting the gay constituency! Hell, it’s the basis of my success – you don’t really think anybody but gay guys went to the movies to watch me rubbing oil all over my pecs, did you?” chuckles Governor Schwarzenegger. “You Americans have to be more like us Europeans, and just accept that modern society is rampantly homoerotic! How else do you explain the popularity of pro-wrestling and buddy movies? You’ve just got to relax and get with the programme!” Indeed, this relaxed attitude seems to be shared by President Bush himself, in his only comment to date on the affair. “Heck, I don’t know what all the fuss is about – we kept it all traditional,” he reportedly told Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly. “Original trilogy characters only – none of that damned revisionist Phantom Menace shit!”