The FBI has revealed that it has recently foiled a plot by Islamic extremist terrorists to hijack Bill Clinton’s penis and crash it into the red light district of Los Angeles. Whilst details are, at present, sketchy, it appears that a group of terrorists, disguised as young female interns, penetrated security at Clinton’s Harlem offices and succeeded in stimulating his sex drive to dangerous levels. It is believed that their choice of a target on the opposite coast of the United States was deliberate. “By the time they’d got to it to LA their devilish foreplay would undoubtedly have got Bill’s ‘old man’ fully fuelled”, a Justice department spokesman has said. “Such a release of sexual energy would prove devastating, destroying entire city blocks and shaking LA to its foundations”. Indeed, it is believed that the terrorists’ ambitions were even greater, perhaps hoping that Clinton’s knob would open up the San Andreas fault, resulting in the whole of California falling into the Pacific. Warnings were issued to those citizens living under the flight path of the hijacked Presidential member – “Stay indoors and lock up your wives and daughters!”
Control of the penis was finally wrested from the terrorists after a fierce gun battle with FBI agents, who had successfully boarded Clinton’s skin boat over Nevada. However, the FBI agents quickly found that Clinton’s sex drive was already approaching critical mass. Thankfully, a team of specially trained Las Vegas showgirls were able to ensure that it was all safely released in a controlled ejaculation in the Nevada desert. Clinton is believed to have wanted to defuse it himself, by hand, but was forced to concede that he just couldn’t handle it. “It was jumping out of his hands – it was completely out of control. Only an expert could have pulled it off”, says one eyewitness. The US authorities have revealed that had the FBI failed to regain control of Clinton’s trouser trumpet, they had plans to try and catch it in a huge condom positioned over Beverley Hills. Defence experts are sceptical as to how effective this would have been. “No current condom would have been sufficient to fully contain the energy released by such a powerful organ blowing its load,” claimed one. “I fear that they would have been forced to try and destroy it with heat-seeking missiles.”
It is believed that Clinton’s celebrated penis may have become a target after the former President flew the stars and stripes at half mast from it as a mark of respect, during a memorial service for the victims of the September 11 terrorist attacks. “It is clear that these fundamentalists see it as a symbol of American potency,” says one State Department expert. Indeed, videotaped statements from Osama bin Laden himself, broadcast on Arab TV stations, seems to confirm this assessment. “We are tired of you flaunting your huge American penises at us in order to make us feel inadequate,” he rants in one such broadcast. “Your infidel members may have cowed and terrorised our brothers in the rest of the Moslem world, but they do not impress us! You will not tempt our women from the true Islamic way with your oversized erections and decadent sexual foreplay!” Whilst bin Laden launches this tirade, an effigy of Clinton’s penis is seen being burned in the background. “We have already destroyed the twin symbols of your potency, blasphemously thrusting their erections into heaven,” he shouts in another broadcast – a clear reference to the attack on the World Trade Centre. “We know that you believe the Islamic penis is inferior to your decadent western organs; smaller and less potent. But, if that is true, why do our women bear more children than yours? We know that you think we are afraid of your huge horns – we have seen your films like Carry On Up the Khyber, where brave Afghan warriors run in fear from the sight of Imperial British knobs! However, tomorrow our people will give you a demonstration of how proud we are of our fine Islamic penises – you infidels will run in fear at the sight of them!”
Defence Department sources have confirmed that satellite imagery taken over Afghanistan the day following this broadcast shows thousands of Afghan warriors pulling out their penises and waving them skywards. “It looked like a convention of Captain Jean-Luc Picard lookalikes seen from above,” said one analyst. US military chiefs have sought to fuel bin Laden’s penis paranoia by dropping thousands of life-sized replicas of Clinton’s penis over Afghanistan. “Once their women have seen America’s finest, they simply won’t be satisfied with the local product any longer! They’ll be welcoming American GIs with open arms – and legs – when the ground assault commences,” commented a senior commander.
The hijacking of Clinton’s penis has raised security fears in the US, with many asking how a group of heavily bearded and moustachioed male terrorists were able to successfully pass themselves off as women in the first place. A spokesman for the Secret Service – charged with protecting former, as well as present, US Presidents – explained that the terrorists were all wearing head to foot burkas, the traditional form of dress for Islamic women. “We were expecting a new intake of female interns from the Islamic community,” explained a Secret Service agent. “Mr Clinton likes a challenge.” The terrorists apparently caught Clinton off guard, by immediately offering him oral sex. “They kept their burkas on – they were specially equipped with an opening at mouth level – so that I couldn’t see their faces,” the ex-President reputedly told FBI agents. “I must admit that I found the tickling sensation from their moustaches a little weird at first, but I found it kind of sexy!”
The hijackers also came equipped with a range of sex devices, which they subsequently used to stimulate Clinton’s penis, hidden under their burkas. These apparently even included the notorious Arab Strap. “We didn’t think they had the technology to produce a ring of such large diameter,” said a senior CIA source. In a statement from the White House, President George W. Bush has expressed his relief at the outcome of this latest regrettable episode in America’s war against terrorism, adding: “Quite frankly, the idea of something as potent as Bill Clinton’s penis falling into the wrong hands fills me full of dread”.