“Forget about Russian prostitutes and golden showers, this is the real thing – and it’s sensational,” claims former CIA agent Joe Krank, who claims to have seen an explicit ‘sex tape’ involving President Trump. “The most incredible – some would say, disturbing – thing about it is that involves no one but Trump himself.” The recording was apparently made by the President’s ‘smart’ television, which had been hacked by the CIA in order to monitor the then Presidential candidate. “Trump was just worried about President Obama wire tapping his phones,” observes the former spook. “But, in reality it was the TV he should have been worried about – it was watching everything that went on his living room!” According to Krank, the spy TV set-up wasn’t directly authorised by President Obama, but was part of a long-running CIA investigation into Trump’s alleged links to President Putin’s regime in Russia. “The Agency was hoping to get some footage of Trump engaged in illicit business deals with Russian government agents,” he explains. “But they got more than they bargained for!” The video allegedly shows Trump sat on his sofa, becoming first sexually aroused, then masturbating, whilst watching a programme on his wide screen TV. “It starts just like a routine, boring, surveillance tape, with him just sat there, in Trump Tower, watching the TV. Then he unzips his flies and whips out his ‘old man’,” says Krank. “Next thing you know, he’s handling his little Trump Tower and kicking off his pants, pretty soon he’s furiously whipping his top!”

The ex-agent believes that the recording has been widely circulated in intelligence circles, both in the US and overseas. “You can bet that if the CIA had it, then the Russians will have seen it,” he says. “I have heard from former colleagues that Putin has seen it multiple times – but with all that homoerotic shit he does with his shirt off, you’ve to question his motives.” The tape has subsequently been leaked to Wikjileaks, increasing the possibility of it entering the public domain and causing huge reputational damage to the president. “What else do you think your Nigel Farage was doing visiting Wikileaks founder Julian Assange at the Ecuadorian embassy in London recently?” asks Krank. “It’s clear that he was there trying to negotiate the handover or destruction of their copy of the tape. he’s obviously acting as his buddy Trump’s envoy.” This explanation for Farage’s mysterious visit to Assange isn’t universally accepted, with some commentators suggesting that his motives might have been more personal. “I think that we have to accept that this spying via TV is pretty widespread and that the CIA have shared it with the likes of MI6 and MI5,” muses espionage expert and rumoured former spy Derek Flume, writing in the Daily Excess. “Consequently, I think it is safe to speculate that there is footage of Farage up to no good out there. It could well involve him getting up to some sort of antics with his so called lodger, that French waitress turned extreme right wing political activist. I’d bet money that it was some such thing he was trying to retrieve from Assange and Wikileaks.”

Krank agrees that techno surveillance using internet-connected household appliances is widespread. “I’ve heard about all sorts of videos involving leading politicians from both sides of the political divide,” he confides. “There’s supposedly some stuff recorded by Bernie Sanders’ fridge doing the rounds – personally, I find it highly unlikely that a guy of his age would be able to do any of the stuff allegedly on the recording. Besides, what sort of person would do that sort of thing in their kitchen for God’s sake? Then there’s the stuff said to have been caught by the Clintons’ TV: you wouldn’t believe what Bill Clinton gets up to in private. Actually, come to think of it, you would believe Bill Clinton would do that stuff.” In fact, Krank suspects that there is a thriving black market in illicitly recorded footage of high profile public figures engaged in bizarre behaviour. “The word on the street is that there are secret video channels on the ‘dark web’ where this stuff is streamed,” he claims. “If you have enough money, you can sign up to them and watch all those politicians, legislators, Judges and the like you have on your payroll having sex – it’s the ultimate in porn for the super rich.”

Krank claims also to have heard rumours of real life porn videos of this kind being made available to wealthy users live and ‘on demand’. “If one of these billionaires wants to watch some live shenanigans involving public figures, they can search through the current live streams the CIA and other intelligence agencies have coming in from hacked TVs, laptops, web cams and the like,” he says. “Once they find something they like, they can sit on their sofa and jerk off to it – maybe their TV will broadcast that to other decadent billionaires!” Espionage writer Flume believes that the TV spy technology isn’t necessarily a bad thing. “I can envisage circumstances where it might prove beneficial to have your TV recording your sexual activities,” he writes in the Daily Excess. “Just look at Julian Assange, for instance, if only the TVs of those women he’s alleged to have sexually assaulted in Sweden had recorded everything that had gone on, he wouldn’t have had to spend years hiding in the Ecuadorian embassy in London.”

One question which continues to vex those who have seen the Trump video is that of exactly what he was watching that aroused him so much. “Unfortunately, that’s one thing the hacked TVs don’t do – record what they were showing during the surveillance,” says Krank. “It’s no good trying to check the TV schedules – in this multichannel era, it could be any of hundreds of programmes.” Clearly, the source of Trump’s arousal could, potentially, prove highly embarrassing to the president. “Obviously, if it turned out that he was whacking off to Arnold Schwarzenegger oiling up his muscles in Conan the Barbarian, or something, that could prove highly damaging,” opines the former CIA man. “Not for any gay subtext, obviously, but for the implication that he admires a political rival in some way.” However, Krank suspects that he knows what Trump was watching as he pulled his pud in the video. “My money is on him pulling himself off to news footage of himself,” he says. “I can’t imagine anything else getting someone as narcissistic as him that horny.” Both the White House and CIA have denied the existence of any sex videos featuring President Trump, dismissing the claims as ‘fake news’.