Is David Cameron planning a military coup? With the Tories’ opinion poll lead slipping, and a hung parliament seeming the most likely outcome of this year’s general election, fears are growing that the Conservative leader might attempt to seize power through military force. A fear that was reinforced after the Hampshire town of Alton found itself forcibly occupied by hundreds of World War Two Nazi soldiers. “I’m convinced that the two days under the jack boot that we experienced was simply a trial run for the Tories taking over the whole country by force,” opines Tim Clutch, secretary of the town’s local Labour Party branch. “It seems that it isn’t just in the European Parliament that Cameron is aligning his party with right wing extremists, domestically it seems that he’s recruiting a private army from amongst the ranks of World War Two Nazi re-enactment enthusiasts!” Indeed, the rapidly growing numbers of ‘weekend Nazis’ has been causing alarm in some quarters for some time now. “There are literally thousands of them – they far outnumber the British and American re-enactment enthusiasts,” explains Pete Piston, political correspondent of the Daily Norks. “It wouldn’t be so bad if they just dressed up as Nazi soldiers, but for the past few years they’ve started building their own tanks! They’re a virtual militia!” The journalist thinks it makes perfect sense for Cameron to use them to seize power. “Obviously, he can’t use the real military – even if they were interested in supporting him, they’re all in bloody Afghanistan,” he says. “Besides, these so-called military re-enactment people are far better equipped than the real army – they have more reliable tanks, better uniforms and guns that work.” The occupation of Alton was certainly carried out with military precision – bemused residents looked on as a column of swastika-bedecked armoured vehicles rolled down the main street one Friday evening, quickly surrounding several buildings, including the town hall, police station, magistrates court and public library. However, Tim Clutch believes that, despite the invaders’ overwhelming military force, the takeover couldn’t have run so smoothly without the aid of Fifth Columnists within the town itself. “The police seemed far too willing to co-operate in the rounding up of suspected Jews,” he notes. “And it’s surely no coincidence that they set up their headquarters in the local Conservative club. Shortly after that happened several of my party members were arrested and locked up in a stockade around the back of Waitrose, after being denounced as communists by ‘informants’.”
Toby Muffler, chairman of the local Conservative Association, has denied that either he or any of his members were collaborators. “It was simply a matter of good manners to offer them hospitality,” he says, referring to the Nazis’ use of the Conservative Club. “Nazis or not, it would have been damned rude not to offer them refreshments after all that looting and repression they’d been doing. As for denouncing local Labour party members, it may have come up in conversation with their officers that certain of the Reds might be considered a bit radical. But it was just idle chit chat, nothing more sinister than that!” Nevertheless, Clutch claims to have evidence that it wasn’t just local Tories who were involved in the town’s takeover, alleging that a delegation of top-ranking party members were secretly flown into nearby Lasham airfield, which had also been seized by the ‘Germans’, before being whisked off to Alton in an open topped Mercedes staff car to inspect the occupying forces. “I know that many other witnesses reckon that the fat blonde buffoon in a Luftwaffe uniform leading the delegation was simply a Hermann Goering impersonator, but there’s no doubt he was a dead spit for Boris Johnson,” he says. “Not only that, but the one in the SS General’s uniform who kept demanding to be shown the local brothel, looked a lot like Shadow Chancellor George Osborne.” Clutch suspects that the occupation of Alton gave a chilling foretaste of what Britain could be like under a Conservative administration. “They looted anything of value – the Curtis Museum was stripped of its valuable collection of historic toe nail clippings – including a complete set of Lord Mountbatten’s,” he recalls. They also displayed nothing but contempt for the weak and vulnerable – when old Harry Choke objected to them parking a Tiger tank outside the British Legion, for instance, they just laughed, before running his mobility scooter over with the tank. The old boy’s ninety two and a veteran of D-Day, for God’s sake.” However, some residents disagree, feeling that the occupation wasn’t wholly a bad thing. “They might have been jack booted oppressors, but at least they brought some order to the streets of this town for a couple of days,” says Constable Jim Brake. “Reports of anti-social behaviour plummeted. There are a lot of people around here who aren’t complaining at the few hours respite from rowdy teenagers and drunken louts they got during the curfew.”
The occupation was finally ended by a mass insurrection led by a group of Polish migrant workers. “They attacked one of the Tiger tanks with Molotov cocktails – using cheap vodka from Sainsbury’s rather than petrol – it went up like a torch,” says Clutch. “It turned out their ‘armoured’ vehicles were made of plywood. After that, it was open season – two teenage lads took out another tank with an air rifle – the crew surrendered after one of them had his skin broken by a pellet.” Whilst the reason for the occupation of Alton is still unclear – the captured storm troopers refusing to give the authorities anything but their names, ranks and numbers – a leading World War Two re-enactment enthusiast believes that the whole incident was merely a misunderstanding. “I have it on good authority that the ‘German’ soldiers were expecting to meet some American re-enactment counterparts for a mock battle,” claims Sturmbannfuhrer Eric Axle, of the West Berkshire SS ‘Enoch Powell’ Division. “Unfortunately, their highly unreliable Sherman tanks broke down outside of Guildford, so they never arrived. Typical American inefficiency!” Axle also vehemently denied that his hobby has any links with neo Nazis. “I know that there seem to be a disproportionate number of German groups compared to the Allies, but you have to admit, those British and American uniforms are just so drab and dowdy! Not to mention ill-fitting and unflattering,” he declares. “Just because people like strutting about in jack boots and shiny leather straps, doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re Nazis, they might simply have some degree of fashion sense.” The Conservative Party has, naturally, denied having anything to do with the events in Alton. “It is absolutely ludicrous to suggest that we have any links with these re-enactment groups, let alone neo Nazis,” says a senior party source. “Frankly, the whole idea is insulting! As if we’d use a bunch of buffoons who dress up and play at soldiers with plywood tanks every other weekend to seize power. With the kind of money our backers in the City and overseas can muster, if we wanted to stage a military coup we’d hire the best professional mercenaries available, for God’s sake!”
