A furious row has erupted between rival terror groups over responsibility for a recent terrorist outrage in London. Responsibility for the Westminster attack, described by Prime Minister Theresa May as ‘sick and depraved’ was initially claimed by Islamic State, who put out a press release celebrating the efforts of their followers to strike at the heart of British government. This was quickly refuted by a UK based group. “For God’s sake, it isn’t always about bloody militant Islam,” declared the group’s leader in a video message released to the press. “You’d think they’d bloody well invented terrorism, the way everyone carries on about Islamic extremism – the bloody IRA caused more damage and casualties in the UK than these buggers, but we didn’t have the same knee-jerk reaction to them, did we? Sodding latecomers trying to hog all the headlines – at least the IRA didn’t try to steal other peoples’ successes by making false claims of responsibility!” This individual – clad in a leather gimp mask and identifying himself as ‘Captain Whiplash’ – proceeded to claim that he represented a coalition of militant porn lovers, perverts and sexual deviants angry at the government’s plans to restrict access to online pornography and its attempts to cracdown on so-called extreme pornography.

“I ask you, how could anyone have believed that today’s attack had anything to do with Muslim terrorists?” asked Captain Whiplash on his video. “I wouldn’t mind, but we think that they are just as bad as the government – the hate pornography and adventurous sexuality even more than our domestic prudes!” Whilst initial press reports of the attack were confused, it quickly transpired the main incident involved a naked man using his hugely engorged penis to try and batter police officers guarding Parliament into submission. Both he and his member were tasered for their troubles and he is currently in hospital, under police guard. “Our brave guy had been taking viagra for three days prior to the attack in order to maintain that rock hard erection,” Whiplash claimed. “The plan was for him to batter his way into Parliament and confront our politicians with this magnificent physical manifestation of his love for pornography. After all, it’s the chance to nurture such bonk ons through the consumption of smut that they want to deprive us of, isn’t it?” In a secondary attack, a group of the militants succeeded in stopping traffic on Westminster Bridge, before proceeding to tear off their clothes and perform a series of graphic sex acts, including bondage, sado-masochism and water sports, in front of trapped pedestrians and motorists.

It was this part of the attack which the Prime Minister condemned as ‘sick and depraved’, adding that it represented a direct challenge to traditional British values. “She was shocked to the core when she found out exactly what had happened,” a Downing Street source told The Sleaze. “I mean, the terrorists were performing the most unspeakably perverted sex acts in front of innocent people – there was a coach load of children there, for God’s sake! Just imagine the therapy they’ll need!” The source added that many members of the cabinet saw the attack as a direct assault on British values. “We Tories stand for tradition, and the British sexual tradition is of the missionary position once every fortnight, with the lights off,” the source said. “But today we saw man-on-man, woman-on-woman, threesomes, foursomes, black leather bondage, anal, oral and all sorts of positions that surely must be illegal, being enacted within sight of Parliament! It was an absolute outrage and we are determined to resist this sort of decadent sexual terrorism! We need to assure people that nothing they saw today constitutes normal, let alone desirable, sexual conduct. These terrorists want us to think we’re missing out on sexual gratification, but we’re not – just stick to the missionary position, it will give you all the sexual pleasure you need!”

Whilst there were no reports of deaths, several pensioners apparently suffered heart attacks and several more had to be treated for shock in the aftermath of the incident. There have also been several unconfirmed reports of bystanders becoming so aroused by what they were witnessing that they involuntarily ejaculated. “There was jism everywhere,” eyewitness Brian Diddler told The Sleaze. “Some of the blokes found themselves unexpectedly turned on and had to fumble their flies open and whip out their plonkers – most were spurting before they’d properly got them clear of their trousers. There was lots of moaning as they all came! One bloke told me that he’d been straight all his life, but when he saw two naked male terrorists getting it on, he felt strange stirrings and had to hurriedly drop his pants and trousers before having the biggest ejaculation he could remember!” London Ambulance Service later confirmed that paramedics had treated several people on Westminster Bridge for strained testicles.

As far as Captain Whiplash is concerned, the attack was an unqualified success. “We feel that we’ve succeeded in highlighting the joys of more adventurous sex to the general public,” he declared at the end of his video. “Hopefully people will now start questioning the stigma attached to so-called ‘deviant sex’ by the establishment, now that they have seen such practices first hand and realised that, between two or more consenting adults, it is perfectly harmless.” Some of the victims of the attack have questioned how the authorities allowed it to happen, bearing in mind that this wasn’t the first attack carried out by the group: a series of drive by buggerings in Birmingham last year had been attributed to them, whilst only last month they had been responsible for several police officers in Guilford being attacked by whip-wielding dominatrices who stole their hand cuffs. Islamic State, meanwhile, having learned of the nature of the attacks, has disavowed any involvement, roundly condemning them instead. “We’d like to express our solidarity with the British government and people over these despicable atrocities,” announced their spokesperson, Abdul al Kakka. “Such sick and depraved behaviour is an affront to decency and must be stamped out!”