Home Secretary Sajid ‘If you think you are hard enough come and have a go’ Javid, has unveiled the government’s new weapon against the epidemic of knife crime currently afflicting the UK’s streets: legendary spoon-bender Uri Gellar. “I’m happy to announce that we’ve persuaded Mr Gellar to deploy his considerable mental abilities to combat the plague of stabbings which have seen scores of British youths dying on our streets in recent months,” the Home Secretary told a press conference. “He has undertaken to use the power of his mind to cause the blades of illegal knives to be bent out of shape every time one is used to try and stab someone. As the blade is thrust toward its target, it will, quite literally, bend back on itself, effectively making itself blunt. Obviously, the victims might still be hit by the now harmless knife, receiving bruising whose severity will vary according to the force behind the stabbing, but the blade will not penetrate. In effect, potential victims will be wearing a psychic stab vest, courtesy of Uri Gellar.” Javid explained that Gellar’s psychic protection would initially cover only London, in order to minimise the mental and physical strain on him. “Clearly, this process places an enormous physical strain on his body, as well as his mind, especially when he has to deal with multiple incidents simultaneously – I’m told that he very nearly suffered a rectal prolapse when a mass gang fight erupted in Chiswick last week,” claimed Javid. “So, he’s working up to providing universal cover for the whole UK, with additional major population centres being added on a monthly basis.”

Doubts have been cast as to efficacy of the protection supposedly being offered by Gellar under the new Home Office scheme, with some commentators worried about possible ‘collateral damage’ from the blanket knife bending. “Will it really just affect knives being used in attacks?” asked Daily Excess columnist Percy Cleaver. “Or will people innocently carving their Sunday joint find their blades curling up? Will other pieces of cutlery be affected? After all, as I understand it, this Gellar character made his name bending spoons back in the seventies.” Others have been dismissive of the whole concept, even questioning Gellar’s credentials. “Quite frankly, I’m always more than slightly surprised whenever Uri Gellar turns up,” declared Labour MP Ed Carver. “I’m always mildly shocked to find that he’s still around. I mean, spoon-bending and all that schtick just isn’t a thing any more, is it? Is there anybody who still believes in all that ‘power of the mind’ bollocks? After all, every other ‘street magician’ with a show on an obscure digital channel does the same sort of stuff these days, without claiming that it is anything other than an illusion.” Carver suspects that Javid’s employment of Gellar in his knife crime initiative is simply a ploy to divert the mentalist from his avowed intent to ‘stop Brexit’, as part of the Home Secretary’s machinations to become Prime Minister.

“Let’s not forget that last month Gellar let it be known that he had his sights set much higher than simply bending cutlery,” opines Carver. “He indicated that he wanted to use his mental powers to halt Brexit. At least, that’s what he told Theresa May last month.” Arguably, the two extensions to Article 50 so far granted by the EU would seem to prove that his efforts are working, something which might well have left Sajid Javid rattled. “He and other Brexiteer senior Tories are relying on Brexit to be such an utter disaster that it completely undermines the Prime Minister and opens up the possibility of a leadership contest,” Carver says. “By persuading Gellar to focus on the fight against knife crime, Javid has ensured that he can’t use his mental energies to halt Brexit. Plus, if knife crime does fall, then Javid can take credit and thereby boost his leadership chances.” Carver, though, still doubts the reality of Gellar’s supposed powers, believing that Brexit could still be halted without them. “I’m pretty sure that the government’s own incompetence will take care of delaying, perhaps even halting completely, Brexit.,” he says.

Despite Carver’s scepticism, other commentators have suggested that his powers could perhaps be employed to fight more than just knife crime. “If we suppose that his powers of bending don’t just apply to metal cutlery? In that case, whole new areas of crime prevention are opened up. Sexual assaults and rape, for instance,” says Petronella Chopper, Women’s Editor of the Daily Norks. “I mean, just imagine if, through the power of his mind, Uri Gellar could make potential rapists’ penises wilt before they could penetrate their victims? Or bend out of shape as they exposed themselves? Perhaps he could even make their members tie themselves in knots, rendering them permanently harmless.” Chopper accepts, though, that providing such services might pose problems for Gellar. “I can understand that Mr Gellar might not want to spend all of his time thinking about men’s genitalia and that he might need a break from providing such psychic protection to the UK’s women. In which case, might it not be possible for him to teach women how to harness their own mental powers in order that they might similarly protect themselves from sexual predators?” the tabloid journalist muses. “After all, I seem yo recall that during his heyday he was encouraging people to bend their own spoons, so it must surely be possible.”

Consequently, the Daily Norks has launched a campaign calling upon Gellar to start training a select group of its female journalists to be able to focus their mental powers on penis bending. They, in turn, will set up a nationwide network of free classes teaching any women who wish to participate how to similarly harness the power of their own minds. “We firmly believe this could be the way ahead: psychic self protection classes for women,” Chopper says. “Why bother kneeing a would be rapist in the groin when you can shrivel their manhood from a safe distance?” The idea, inevitably, has met with a hostile reception from many right wing male commentators, who fear it will presage concerted efforts to impose ‘political correctness’ through mental force. “No man will be safe – even the most innocent workplace innuendo or flirting could now result in what effectively constitutes a ‘psychic castration’,” blusters Tory MP Sir Hugh Blunt-Edge, a leading campaigner for so called ‘Men’s Rights’. “Worse still, it could extend to the bedroom – women won’t have to use the ‘I’ve got a headache’ excuse any more when they can wither your knackers instead! Quite frankly, I think that the Home Secretary, rather than employing this Gellar character, should be using his powers to deport him – I mean, he sounds bloody foreign, doesn’t he?”