Is the Tory party about to implode into an orgy of sadism and sexual depravity? This is the theory of left wing activist Leon Trout who, writing in the New Democrat, has compared the current state of Britain’s current Tory government to the last days of the Third Reich. “Just as the Nazi regime found itself facing certain defeat in 1945, with the Red Army advancing on Berlin from the East and the US and British from the West, so Theresa May’s government finds itself facing defeat after defeat over Brexit, caught between its own extreme Brexiteers in one direction and the gathering ‘Red Army’ of Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party on the other,” he contends. “Any day now all of the party’s top officials are going to lock themselves into their ‘Bunker’, Ten Downing Street, and indulge in one last hedonistic frenzy, before killing themselves! You know the sort of thing I mean – we’ve all seen The Gestapo’s Last Orgy and Salo: Or the 120 Days of Sodom!” Former Trade Union organiser and Labour councillor Trout is convinced that Britain’s top Tories follow the examples of these notorious seventies films and seal themselves inside Number Ten with copious supplies of drugs, alcohol and prostitutes before engaging in a several days of non-stop depravity, involving both sexual abandon and sadistic games.

“Could you imagine the sort of depravities which could occur?” asks Trout. “Just imagine Michael Gove, clad only in a pair of leather chaps, being bent over the cabinet room table and his bared bottom caned by Boris Johnson, until it is glowing red! Or Jacob Rees-Mogg, off his face on coke and finally throwing off his decades of Victorian repression, stripping naked and running through the corridors of Downing Street chasing Andrea Leadsom – dressed as his Nanny – before cornering her in the Prime Minister’s office and ravishing her repeatedly on the desk!” Not everyone on the left is convinced by Trout’s thesis. “To be quite frank, I’d really rather not imagine that sort of thing – it’s far too traumatic,” says Dr Arthur Perch, Senior Lecturer in Politics at the County Down Academy of Laundry Technology. “Somehow I doubt that this Tory regime will go at excitingly as the Third Reich did – they are far too incompetent. I mean, while we might be hoping that Theresa May will put the entire nation out of its collective misery by shooting herself, I think that we all know that, in reality, she’d miss and probably end up shooting Larry the Downing Street cat, instead.” Perch instead believes that the current Tory regime will more likely collapse with a whimper, increasingly powerless and eventually forced into a General Election as the party splinters into competing factions.

Trout, however, believes that not only will top Tories at the national level destroy themselves in an orgy of depravity, but that this will be replicated at all levels of the party, with local memberships sealing themselves into town halls in Tory-held councils the length and breadth of Britain. Indeed, he points out that one such council has apparently already self-destructed in this fashion, with over fifty Tory councillors and top local party officials perishing last week, when the London Borough of South Upham’s Civic Centre burned down, following a three day siege. “They barricaded themselves in there after they thought that the council’s own workers were about to lead a violent local revolution to topple the Tory council,” claims Trout. “They had the place packed with drugs and booze, not to mention a number of local benefits claimants they had effectively kidnapped from local food banks, where they had been queuing for supplies. The Tory bastards planned to use them as sex slaves!” According to the testimony of the claimants who survived the fiery holocaust that ended the siege, they were subjected to numerous degrading sex games and tortures. “We were made to eat shit and forced into cages in the damp basement, before rats were released there,” one told the local newspaper. “They crawled all over us, gnawing at our extremities – several of us suffered severe bites, losing toes and fingers. Mind you, to be fair, it was no worse than the conditions most of us are forced to live in – those shitty flats and bedsits they house us in are running with damp and rats.”

Survivors have also described how they were sexually abused by the councillors in a series of frenzied orgies. “All sorts of weird shit was going down,” says another survivor. “Lots of them were whacking off over pictures of Maggie Thatcher – and that was the mildest perversion going on! There was one councillor who strapped a firework to his knob, lit it and tried to have sex with a female benefits claimant they had tied, spread eagled, on the main council chamber table. Thankfully, his pubic hair caught fire before he could penetrate her and he ran from the room screaming, sparks spurting from his John Thomas.” The survivor also described how another councillor, determined not to be out done, shoved a firework rocket up his arse and had it lit. “His name was Johnny Bors, he was a big fat blonde bastard who had modelled himself on Boris Johnson,” the survivor recalls. “Anyway, he was running around stark bollocking naked, with sparks and flames shooting out of his backside shouting ‘Look at me, I’m a meteorite!’ His aim was to hurl himself at this benefits claimant they had bent across a desk, and bugger the poor bastard. Before he could make contact, the rocket exploded in his arse. His screams and the smell of burning shit were horrendous!” According to the survivor, it was Johnny Bors’ exploding arse which started the fatal fire.

Building on his 1945 analogy, Trout has promised that any right-wing politicians who survive the inevitable meltdown of the current regime will be ruthlessly hunted down. “Any who do escape the ‘last orgy’ will be forced to go on the run to try and avoid arrest and their inevitable trials for crimes against humanity, rather like some of the surviving top Nazis did in 1945.,” he says. “I could well imagine Michael Gove, say, shave his head and don a false beard and forged ID papers to try and evade capture, in the manner of Himmler” Trout, however, doubts that the likes of Gove would follow the example of the escaping Nazis t the letter. “To be honest, I couldn’t see Gove electing to take his cyanide pill if captured, as Himmler did when he was detained by British soldiers in 1946,” he opines. “I hate to say it, but I doubt he would even show the same level of decency as a Nazi war criminal by topping himself.” Indeed, Trout has promised that, if in a position of power following the fall of the Tories, he would authorise summary executions for any Brexiteers caught trying to escape. “Why waste time and money on show trials when we all know they are guilty? Besides, the Tory bastards have spent the better part of a decade trying to erode the legal system and prevent anyone without money from getting a fair trial, so it would only be just” he rages. “So if Nigel Farage, say, were to find that his newly forged German passport and freshly grown moustache weren’t enough to get him through a police check point, he’d find himself marched to the nearest wall, stood up against it and shot.”