According to President-elect Trump global warming and climate change is a hoax. A hoax perpetrated by the Chinese in order to make Western industries uncompetitive by saddling them with expensive environmental measures. However, a series of mysterious television transmissions, which have interrupted normal transmissions in several major US West Coast cities since Trump’s election victory, have seemed to claim that global warming is neither a hoax nor man made. The transmissions, most of which lasted only a few seconds, a male figure can be glimpsed through heavy interference, apparently trying to warn viewers that Trump is actually the mastermind behind climate change. Top supermarket tabloid the Weekly World Shopper claims to have identified the figure in the transmissions as noted conspiracy theorist and dry cleaning assistant Toby Bullwhelk. “Of course Trump wants you to believe that global warming doesn’t exist,” Bullwhelk told the newspaper’s editor Deke Spiggott, after the tabloid had tracked him to his mother’s basement in San Bernandino, where he is currently living. “As long as he can convince people that it doesn’t exist, the longer he and his kind have to let it take its deadly effect!”

Astonishingly, Bullwhelk claims that not only does Trump want to deflect attention from the fact that he and his associates want global climate change, but that it is essential for them. “Let’s pause for a moment and stop to think just what climate change is all about,” he told Spiggott. “Which is factories and other industrial installations pumping vast amounts of noxious emissions into the earth’s atmosphere. Quantities which the global ecosystem simply cannot deal with. Consequently, over time, the earth’s atmosphere will become irrevocably changed. Indeed, it will eventually become incapable of sustaining human life, or any other type of terrestrial life for that matter!” Incapable of sustaining human life – but not necessarily some form of non-human life: life from another planet perhaps, he contends. “That’s right people, global warming is a conspiracy, but one being perpetrated not by the Chinese or environmentalists,” he enthused. “Instead, it is being caused by aliens who walk among us. Aliens to whom long-term exposure to our atmosphere would be fatal, so they are seeking to change our atmosphere as part of their long-term plot to colonise the earth!”

Pushed by Spiggott for actual evidence to back up his claims, Bullwhelk responded angrily. “Damn it! You know its true!” he exclaimed. “Just think about it, who would benefit from a methane rich atmosphere other than aliens from a gas giant planet, like Jupiter, or Saturn? Clearly, this is a long term plan and the aliens must have been infiltrating earth societies for decades, possibly even centuries, in order to put it into action. For all we know, the entire industrial revolution could be down to their intervention. Obviously, their most logical disguises will be that of wealthy industrialists and billionaire businessmen!” Challenged by the newspaperman to explain how the alien advance party, spearheaded by Trump and his billionaire buddies, were able to exist in the earth’s current atmosphere, which is apparently poisonous to them, the conspiracy theorist retorted that they had obviously managed to adopt some kind of human-like disguise, which allowed relatively small numbers of them to live here in the short term. “Perhaps it involves surgery, or maybe they are using android bodies which contain the life support systems they need to survive here,” he explained. “Whatever it is though, judging by Trump, they still haven’t perfected the hair. It’s so blindingly obvious that Trump is not of this earth that I just don’t know why people can’t see through his policies and recognise them for what they are: a prelude to alien conquest. Think about it: he’s promoting racial and religious divisions, obviously hoping that large numbers of us will kill each other in a blood bath of hatred to make their subjugation of humanity easier. As for his promises to get America’s industry working again – a clear precursor to the final coup de grace against humanity: lots of factories belching pollution into the atmosphere, bringing the point at which it becomes noxious to us, but palatable to them, closer!”

Bullwhelk’s allegations have been met with scepticism, even within the conspiracy theory community. Aaron Feltham, Deputy Editor of Which Conspiracy?, for instance, believes that whilst Bullwhelk might be on to something with the climate altering part of his theory, he is wide of the mark with his claims that aliens are the culprits. “The key lies in the ‘warming’ part of global warming,” he opines. “What life form would most benefit by global temperature rising? Reptiles, obviously. It seems clear to me that, far from being extraterrestrials, Trump and the rest of the one percent are, as David Icke has spent years pointing out, actually giant shape shifting lizards from within the earth. Global warming is their attempt to reclaim the planet for themselves by wiping out humanity.”

Justin Preeny, of American Conspiracy Monthly, however, thinks that both Bullwhelk and Feltham are barking up the wrong tree entirely. “It’s got nothing top do with global warming and Trump is neither an alien nor a lizard. He’s a God damned commie!” he told the Weekly World Shopper in response to their interview with Bullwhelk. “It should be quite obvious that Donald Trump is a deep cover asset of Russia’s foreign intelligence service – he was originally recruited by the KGB during the days of the Soviet Union. All the clues are there: his mutual admiration society with Russian President Putin – a former senior KGB officer – and all those Eastern European wives he’s had. They are obviously his ‘handlers’.” According to this theory, Trump’s mission is to ensure the destruction of the United States’ status as a superpower, through stirring up social unrest and undermining the economy. “Just look at the way he conducted his campaign – all divisive rhetoric and threats against opponents,” Preeny declares. “Let’s not forget his refusal to guarantee that, under his presidency, the US would fulfil its mutual defence commitments laid down by NATO. Clearly part of the commie bastards’ strategy to drive a wedge between the US and Europe and undermine the Western Alliance!” The Trump camp have so far declined to comment on any of these allegations, other than to reassure Americans that, as president, he’ll be cracking down on the activities all illegal aliens, whether they be Mexican, Muslim or Martian.