The dispute between Ireland and the UK over illegal immigrants crossing the border from Northern Ireland to the Republic has escalated into a literal shit-throwing contest. “This car with a Dublin registration plate came tearing down the street – suddenly a window opened a suitcase was thrown out and landed in the front garden! It split apart on impact to reveal that it was full of excrement!” explains a still outraged Patrick O’Cobblers, a resident of the Northern Irish border town Cullaville. “As the car sped off, this bastard stuck his head out of the window and shouted ‘Keep your shit in your own backyard!’”. Fearing that he had been the subject of some kind of chemical attack by terrorists, O’Cobblers called in the security forces. “All these fellas in NBC suits turned up, cordoned off my garden and started poking the pile of shit about with long poles,” he recalls. “They finally declared that it was just shit – human shit, in fact – and blamed the whole thing on hooligans from across the border!” But the Cullaville incident was to prove be simply the opening shot in a new ‘dirty protest’, as a suspect package postmarked from Dublin left at a post office in Newtownhamilton turned out to be a parcel of excrement – a fact discovered only after it had been destroyed by a bomb disposal squad in a controlled explosion. “It was horrible. It just went everywhere,” observes local resident Joe MacStonker. “The stench of burning crap hung over the town for days afterwards.”

In an even more audacious attack, a show at a theatre in Belfast had to be called off after patrons started choking and complaining of stinging eyes after a foul stench permeated the building – after the premises were evacuated, several tons of human excrement were found secreted beneath the stage. “How they smuggled that much across the border and managed to hide it there without being caught is still a mystery,” admits Inspector Jim Nutt of the Royal Irish Constabulary. “As with other incidents, though, we’re convinced that it all originated south of the border – several vehicles with Dublin plates were seen in the area in the days leading up to the incident.” This time, however, someone came forward to claim responsibility for all three incidents, with a group calling itself ‘The Sons of the Irish Dawn’ releasing a statement to the media alleging that the incidents were reprisal for the UK allowing immigrants who had already illegally crossed the Channel in small boats to subsequently cross the Northern Irish border into Eire, then refusing to allow them to be sent back. “If we can’t send the bastards back where they belong, we’re going to keep sending you their shit which has been clogging up our sewerage systems,” the message claimed. “We’ll keep flinging bags of shit at you Brit bastards until you start taking the buggers back.” The communication ended with an ominous threat that the perpetrators were prepared to extend their campaign to the British mainland.

A rapid response to the statement came within hours, with a group of men in ski masks abducting an Irish businessman visiting Derry and emptying a bucket of shit over his head. “They reckoned that they’d collected it from the toilet system at a local hotel favoured by visiting Irish people that very morning – it was still warm,” the businessman, who wishes to remain anonymous, claimed. “They told me that it was a ‘shit-for-shat’ attack and we could start taking our own crap back with us and that if we didn’t, they’d do it for us!” As panicked Irish citizens rushed to leave Northern Ireland, several found that their luggage had been packed full of steaming shit as a further reprisal. While rejecting the methods used by the ‘Sons of the Irish Dawn’, some local politicians in the Republic have expressed sympathy with their aims. “They do have a point,” muses Carroll O’Crach, a local councillor in Dublin. “Most of the bastards end up here and they’re putting an additional strain on our infrastructure – especially the sewage system which was only designed to cope with the sort of dark fudgy Guinness-fuelled excrement put out by the typical Irishman, rather than the hot curry-fuelled and highly corrosive stuff produced by these foreigners. It’s only fair that the Brits either contribute to the cost of repairs or, at the very least, process the crap produced by its illegal immigrants itself.”

Dismissing O’Crach’s comments as ‘racist’, British politician Jake Smeer has rejected any argument that the UK was responsible for the immigrants. “They’re not our bloody problem, they aren’t British citizens and had no business being here in the first place,” opined the local councillor from Birmingham. “We are under no obligation to take them, or their shit back. Damn it, we’ve got too many of the buggers here already – have you seen what they are doing to our sewerage system? It’s so overwhelmed by all the crap they are dumping into it that our rivers are swimming in shit – you can tell by the exotic stench that it’s theirs!” The UK government, meanwhile, has been forced to deny claims from the opposition that the controversial agreement with Rwanda to send illegal immigrants to the African country for ‘processing’ includes a clause allowing the Rwandans to send back their excrement for ‘processing’ in the UK. “This is simply misinformation designed to try and derail our perfectly legal policy,” a spokesperson has told the media. “It is absolute nonsense to suggest that Rwanda is a developing country without a robust sewerage system capable of dealing with the extra excrement produced by these deported immigrants – they just shot in the streets anyway, so a bit more will make absolutely no difference to the lack of hygiene in their fly-blown population centres.”

In Ireland, meanwhile, the situation continues to escalate, with reports of canisters of crap being fired across the border by home made cannons and catapults, sacks of shit being emptied from low-flying light aircraft and even trucks packed full of excrement being parked on busy streets then exploded, showering entire towns with shit. In Dublin there have been reports of masked gangs breaking into hotels and hostels housing illegal immigrants and smashing every toilet in an attempt to stop the immigrants from using them. “Unfortunately, that particular campaign seems to backfired,” observes O’Crach. “Apparently the bastards are now crapping in the Liffey instead and its beginning to turn the Guinness sour.” There have also been reports from both sides of the border of gangs of ski-masked men confronting each other in the street and hurling handfuls of shit at each other. “It’s no longer clear exactly whose is being flung,” sighs Inspector Nutt. “For all we know, it could be their own.”