So, those so-called performance cars – do they have a tube that connects their exhaust system to the driver’s anus? Because, you know, I find myself increasingly suspecting that the so-called ‘throaty’ exhaust sound they make is actually the amplified farting of their drivers. Just yesterday I was watching some idiot parking his Mercedes sports car in the car park at my local Aldi, (I mean, come on, you want us to believe that you are cool enough to drive a performance car, yet shop at a budget supermarket? Not that there’s anything wrong with Aldi – obviously, I shop there myself – but, come on), they guy was doing everything to make out sure that everybody could here that exhaust. Either that or, I mused to myself, he has terrible flatulence and it is all coming out of the tail pipe. Maybe that’s why it cut off so abruptly – he suddenly ‘followed through’ and clogged up the pipe. The fact is that, the more I hear those loud exhausts, both on cars and motorcycles, the more like farting that it sounds, leaving me to conclude that the only explanation can be that it the driver (or rider) who is producing it.

This would, of course, explain a lot of things, not least as to why the Batmobile has blue flames shooting out of its exhaust, (‘To the Batmobile Robin – I’ve got a violent one brewing’). Moreover, these sorts of cars (and bikes) represent the ultimate expression of (usually) male machismo. So it is only fitting that they are fuelled on farts as, for certain types of man, farting is itself seem as a form of machismo. You know the sorts, they usually play rugby and can be found in groups at pubs where they talk loudly and take pride in the fact that they can fart louder and more violently than anyone else, usually raising one leg to let rip some ear-splitting effusion in the direction of any unfortunates simply trying to enjoy a quiet pint. These are the kind of people who drive these ‘performance cars’ – usually BMWs, Audis and Mercs – with equally farty exhaust notes. Now, many years ago, I owned a couple of American muscle cars in succession and they didn’t feel the need to produce farting sounds from their exhausts – the American V-8 produces its own, distinctive sound without the need for assistance from the driver’s bowels.

But encouraging public flatulence isn’t the worst anti-social behaviour apparently enabled by German cars in general and BMWs in particular. A recent trip to the New Forest recently was, marred by constant encounters with bad drivers. They seemed to be relentless in their stupidity and recklessness – and most were driving BMWs. You know, I don’t count myself as a brilliant driver, merely an adequate one, but when some idiot overtakes me as I’m overtaking a cyclist on a narrow country road, (just as we were entering a 30mph restriction halfway up a hill), I think I have the right to get judgemental about our comparative driving skills. Likewise, when another idiot tail gates me for several miles on a narrow Forest road, with a 40mph restriction and the very real risk of ponies and other livestock wandering onto the road, I think I have a right to get annoyed with them when my braking and clearly indicating my intention to take a right into a clearly marked turning apparently enrages them to the extent of blaring their horn and furiously gesticulating at me. I mean, if you are driving so close to my rear bumper that my gently braking and slowing causes you problems then you are too close and at fault. (I know that my brake lights and indicators were working – I checked both before setting out). Naturally, in both cases I responded with some internationally recognised sign language of my own. It is incidents like these (and there were several more similar incidents, all involving BMW drivers) that help me understand the phenomena of road rage – even the most mild mannered of drivers would surely be moved to punch out these idiots if they could catch them.

But the question we need to ask is what motivates these drivers to behave like complete arseholes the minute they get behind the wheel of a German car? To some extent, I’m convinced that it is because of the UK media’s apparent obsession with characterising the Germans as somehow superior to us – they’re better at football, have more efficient industry, a stronger economy, trains that run on time and better cars – it is all tied up with our fixation on World War Two and Germany as home of the ‘Master Race’. Drive their cars and you’ll be superior too – that has certainly been the theme of advertising for German car marques in the past. In some quarters there is a dangerous fascination with Nazi Germany in this country and the perception that, while it might have been a genocidal dictatorship, it did have a strong leadership and ran efficiently. (Of course, the logic of this all falls down when you remember that they actually lost the war, despite their alleged efficiency and the supposed superiority of their military technology, with their ‘strong leadership’ all committing suicide or running away and hiding).

A lot of the problem, however, stems from the fact that we seem to be living in an age when many people seem to think that rules don’t apply to them – they regard themselves as exceptions. It isn’t just BMW drivers, either: the behaviour of the likes of Boris Johnson and his cronies just reinforces this perception that if you have sufficient money to drive a flash car, then you must be above the rules that apply to regular people. Most bizarrely, on the rare occasions any of these clowns are brought to book, it usually turns out that they don’t have driving licences (they’ve usually been banned for previous transgressions), MoTs or insurance. (But Hell, why should silly restrictions like valid driving licences, roadworthy cars and the like apply to these examples of Britain’s ‘Master Race’?). Now, if I was driving illegally, I’d do my best not to draw attention to myself – but not these geniuses, who instead drive like lunatics, endangering everyone else on the road. But maybe things are getting better – the last time I was driving in the New Forest I only encountered the one idiot driver. An example of ‘white van man’, he couldn’t wait for the hundred yards or so before a thirty mile per hour limit ended to overtake me – swerving past an island in the road and playing chicken with oncoming cars (only narrowly missing the lead car). Inevitably, of course, the make of van he was driving was a Mercedes…

Doc Sleaze