Former British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s recent visit to war torn Ukraine has caused confusion, with many commentators pointing out that he holds no UK government office and therefore can neither represent the government nor influence their policies toward Ukraine. “I don’t know why President Zelensky even bothered meeting the buffoon,” says Paul Prodnet, Political Correspondent of the Daily Norks. “It isn’t as if the fat fool could promise any concrete military aid, much less offer to influence other Western leaders – they all hate his guts. It’s clearly just a smokescreen to divert the British press’ attention from yet another scandal – this time involving a huge loan and cronyism – he’s consistently used the war in Ukraine as a diversion from his misdemeanours.” Others, however, suspect that the recent visit to Kiev had less to do with domestic scandals or a moral desire to support Ukraine, than it has with Johnson’s recent promise to deliver a political memoir ‘like none other’. “This is all about how he’s going to frame his memoirs in order to paint himself as some kind of Churchillian saviour,” comments Ron Sibbles, a political columnist for the Sunday Bystander. “It was all about being seen on the ‘front line’ of the Ukraine-Russia war, so that he can have that chapter in there portraying him as a fearless warrior for democracy.”

Sibbles, in fact, believes that Johnson’s whole memoir will be a fabrication. “I mean, he can hardly tell the truth can he? How he shagged and partied his way through the pandemic, or all the graft and corruption he presided over? That’s hardly the image he likes to project,” opines the journalist. “Five hundred pages chronicling how he was an utterly lazy bastard who did sweet FA while in Downing Street isn’t the stuff of best sellers, so instead we’ll get a somewhat embellished version of his ‘achievements’.” The recent visit to Ukraine, Sibbles contends, is key to the fabrication, as it provides a factual platform for the fantasy to be built upon. “I’ve heard that since getting back, he’s been down in Surrey doing a photo shoot where he’s in uniform, fighting off fake Russian tanks and unemployed actors dressed as Russian soldiers,” he reveals. “The plan is to match this up with real footage of him in Ukraine to back up a section in his book where he’ll claim to have single-handedly foiled an attempt by the Russians to kidnap Zelensky on a visit to the front lines.” Another chapter, Sibbles claims, will tell how Johnson fought and won the ‘Battle of Brexit’. “Apparently, it involves him getting in his Spitfire and seeing off the EU hordes who, supposedly, were getting ready to invade in order to prevent the UK leaving the EU,” he explains. “There’s a whole photo shoot of him in flying gear standing next to a Spitfire – he was meant to be pictured sitting in the cockpit, but they just couldn’t squeeze the fat bastard into it.”

Sibbles alleges that Johnson’s memoir will also address the whole issue of the boats full of refugees and asylum seekers landing on the Kent coast, folding it into the whole ‘Battle of Brexit’ narrative. “In his version of events, all those tiny rubber boats packed full of refugees was actually an EU invasion fleet, which he personally foiled,” he claims. “Those he didn’t shoot out the water in his spitfire, he fought hand-to-hand with as they landed on the beaches. Again, they’ve already done the photo shoot of him shirtless (with his naked torso suitably photoshopped to look more manly) and in a tin hat, kicking heavily armed asylum seekers (actually actors) back into the sea.” According to Sibbles, the book will also be peppered with vanity shots of Johnson striking suitably Churchillian poses: wearing homburgs, smoking large cigars and wielding Tommy guns. “There’s even a shot of him standing outside a factory shut down due to increased costs caused by Brexit telling laid off workers ‘We can take it’, trying to claim that the business had been a casualty of an EU bombing campaign,” says Sibbles. “Naturally, the workers all look completely bemused.”

Johnson’s proposed fictional memoirs have precedent, claims Sibbles. “It’s a like his hero Churchill did with regard to his record as Prime Minister in World War Two – in his version, which, for far too long, was uncritically accepted as ‘the truth’, he made no mistakes, got all the ‘big calls’ right and was behind every major victory of the war,” he muses. “The reality, of course, was somewhat different, with Churchill being drunk and hiding in his bunker a lot of the time while his various doubles went out and did the public appearances and all the dangerous stuff. One of them suffered a near fatal heart attack on his way back from Yalta after emerging victorious from an heroic nude wrestling contest with Roosevelt and Stalin, which established British supremacy and left the US President in a wheelchair.” Johnson, Sibbles contends, is simply following his hero’s lead in suffering from ‘False Memoir Syndrome’.

But will anyone actually believe this fabricated political memoir ‘like none other’? Prodnet certainly has his doubts, believing that it will simply be too fantastical for prospective readers. “Who on earth is going to swallow the idea that he ‘won’ the pandemic by literally fist-fighting a huge mutated Covid virus?” he asks. “I know that there have been enough gullible voters to keep returning the Tories to power over the past twelve years, but surely this is going too far?” Sibbles, however, believes that it should be borne in mind that the target audience for the book will be Daily Mail readers. “The fact that they keep buying this rag, with its daily doses of utterly ludicrous made-up stories, suggests that they’ll happily lap up anything with Johnson’s name on it,” he says. “These are the same people who still proudly tell the world that they ‘Back Boris’ and eagerly await the return of their saviour.” Prodnet, though, doubts that the memoirs will ever see the light of day. “Aren’t his publishers still waiting for that book about Shakespeare, for which he trousered a sizeable advance?” he points out. “If the prospective publishers of this proposed memoir have paid a similar advance then they should give up all hope of ever seeing a manuscript now. Unless he employs ghost writers – Jeffrey Archer is available. Mind you, he’d have to pay them and Johnson seems to have a resistance to spending money. His own, that is.” The correspondent doesn’t rule out Johnson springing a surprise, though. “Maybe he’ll surprise us all by actually telling the truth in these memoirs – if they ever appear – admitting that he is a corrupt, immoral bastard who fucked the country up the arse and is still grifting away,” he says. “But somehow, I doubt it.”